Dave Barry Quotes from joe-ks.com
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The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas").

The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.
Boogers are my Beat

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat."

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

When I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is, "How do I get in on that?"

Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required."

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

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