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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

She's so fat she's my two best friends. She wears stretch caftans. She's got more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

He who limps is still walking.

I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor.

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