Woody Allen Quotes from joe-ks.com
Return to Joe-ks.com Woody Allen Quotes   

All Quotes
Page: 1 of 2     1  2       
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done easily lying down.

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me his watch.

If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Crimes and Misdemeanors

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

My only regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I'm a guy who can't function well in life, but I can in art.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Being rich is better than being poor, if only for financial reasons.

Her face looked like something on the menu in a seafood restaurant.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to be a hundred.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead.

I was thrown out of college during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final - I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, and you travel a lot.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

All Quotes
Copyright © 2018 joe-ks.com