Bounced Check

[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]

Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;
#1. To make an appointment to see me;
#2. To query a missing payment;
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;
#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;
#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

Fast Police Response

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”
He said, “No.”
Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”
George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Don't mess with old people.

Your Parrot Is Dead, Senor!

At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, Senor, that's the one.”
“Damn, that's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”
“Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
“Yes, Senor Rod...”
“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!”
“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club.”
SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...
“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep #*@&!@*#$%^!”

The Beijing Olympics Fakebook

Things You Should Know But Don’t

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

9. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

10. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

15. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller 'lower case' letters.

16. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time – the 1st instance of multi-tasking.

17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.

20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.

21. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.

22. It took Leonardo DaVinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

Triangle of Life

[Remember being told to hide under a table or stand in a doorway during an earthquake? This guy has a completely reverse, very interesting opinion - different from what we were all taught. Doug Copp is the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world’s most experienced rescue team. Having crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, and founded & worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, Doug ensures us that this article will save lives in an earthquake...]
... click here for rest of   Doug Copp’s Tips for Earthquake Safety ...

Olympic Games Quotes

“A brain scan revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin.” – Joe Sheldon

“Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC President is hugging the cox of the British crew.” – At a rowing medal ceremony

“And for those of you who watched the last programme, I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny’s.” – David Coleman

“… and later we’ll have action from the men’s cockles pairs.” – Sue Barker, rowing commentator

“Bobby Gould thinks I’m trying to stab him in the back. In fact, I’m right behind him.” – Stuart Pearson

“For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.” – John Motson, football commentator

“Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand.” – Ted Lowe

“He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.” – Basketball analyst

“Her time is about 4.33, which she’s capable of.” – David Coleman

“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.” – Stuart Pearce

“I can’t tell who’d leading. It’s either Oxford or Cambridge.” – John Snagge

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” – Paul Hamm, Gymnast

“I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad I won rather than lost.” – Frank Bruno

“I would not say he is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.” – Ron Atkinson

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” – Softball announcer

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” – Mark Draper

“I’ll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.” – Marion Starling

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett

“It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up.” – Ian Wright

“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.” – Soccer commentator

“Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.” – Murray Walker

“Lara’s chanced his arm, and it’s come off.” – Brian Johnston

“One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…” – Tennis commentator

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” – David Acfield

“Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.” – Boxing analyst

“That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect.” – Ted Lowe

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.” – Murray Walker – racing commentator

“The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It’s long and square.” – Trevor Bailey

“The race course is as level as a billiard ball.” – John Francombe

“There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.” – David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics

“There’s going to be a real ding dong when the bell goes.” – David Coleman

“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.” – Weightlifting commentator

“This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.” – Ted Walsh, dressage commentator

“To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.” – Ruud Gullit, football coach

“Watch the time – it gives you an indication of how fast they are running.” – Ron Pickering

“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised.” – Ian McNail, football commentator

“We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.” – Bobby Robson

“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.” – Murray Walker, racing commentator

“We’ll still be happy if we lose. It’s on at the same time as the Beer Festival.” – Noel O’Mahoney

“Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw.” – Ron Atkinson

08/08/08 - the Ultimate Lucky Day

In Mandarin, the word for “eight” sounds like the word for “fortune”. Friday, August 8, 2008 is such a lucky day, bringing prosperity to Chinese wedding plans and Chinese women hoping for a Friday birth. Daphne & Van Wong of Richmond, B.C. are getting married at 8 PM - the Chapel at Minoru Park has five weddings scheduled.

Pregnant women with an 08/08/08 due date are keeping their fingers crossed, even though only 4% of women deliver on their due date. In Canada, local hospitals don't perform cesarean sections in order for women to have babies on a specific date, but in China there may be a few extra Olympic babies born...

Granny Humour

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grammy, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”

Who's in Heaven?

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp -
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, “What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.”

“And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” He said, “they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.”

Judge Not

Grin and Bear It

[Due to the increasing number of bears encroaching on human recreation and hunting grounds the following was published by a deacon of the Sanctuary-by-the-Woods...]

Since hunters nearby are requested to hold fire during Sunday Services, if pursued by a bear you have two options:
A) Escape into the Church; or
B) Climb the old oak tree just beyond the Sanctuary
(Please do not run through Services with a bear behind!)

Moron Cliff Walkers

Two Morons were on a cliff and one of them fell off.
Q: Why didn't the other one fall off?
A: Because he was a little more on.

Last Round of Golf

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”

To which the man replied, “Got here in two, didn't I?”

Unbeerievable Nuns

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she wouldn't feel comfortable about buying it.

The first nun replied that she could handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look on his face, so the nun said, “We use beer for washing our hair - a sort of shampoo, if you will.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzels and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “The curlers are on the house.”

Fair Compensation

A motorist, driving by a large ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would be worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out.”
The motorist sat down, wrote out a cheque and handed it to the farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the cheque for $900. It's postdated six years from now.”

A Farmer’s Creed

I believe a man’s greatest possession is his dignity and that no calling bestows this more abundantly than farming.

I believe hard work and honest sweat are the building blocks of a person’s character.

I believe that farming, despite its hardships and disappointments, is the most honest and honourable way a man can spend his days on this earth.

I believe farming nurtures the close family ties that make life rich in ways money can’t buy.

I believe my children are learning values that will last a lifetime and can be learned in no other way.

I believe farming provides education for life and that no other occupation teaches so much about birth, growth and maturity in such a variety of ways.

I believe many of the best things in life are indeed free; the splendor of a sunrise, the rapture of wide-open spaces, the exhilarating sight of your land greening each spring.

I believe true happiness comes from watching your crops ripen in the field, your children growing tall in the sun, your whole family feeling the pride that springs from their shared experience.

I believe that by my toil I am giving more to the world than I am taking from it, an honour that does not come to all men.

I believe my life will be measured ultimately by what I have done for my fellow man, and by this standard I fear no judgment.

I believe when a man grows old and sums up his days, he should be able to stand tall and feel pride in the life he’s lived.

I believe in farming because it makes all this possible.

Citibank Late Fees

[A lady died in January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank and here is the exchange...]

Family Member: “I am calling to tell you she died back in January.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”
Citibank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
Citibank: “Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”

Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”
Citibank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?”
Citibank: “Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.”

Supervisor gets on the phone...

Family Member: “I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.”
Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
Citibank: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I'm her great nephew.” (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure...” (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax...

Citibank: “Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.”

Citibank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”
Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
Citibank: “That might help...”
Family Member: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
Citibank: “Sir, that's a cemetery !”
Family Member: “And what do you do with dead people on your planet?”

Language Lunacy

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think that all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

Robbing A Computer Programmer

A robber pulls a knife on a stranger walking along the way, and says, “Your money or your life.”
The stranger says, “I'm a programmer!”
The robber asks, “What do you mean by that?”
The stranger says, “I have no money, or a life.”

Women's Dictionary

5 Minutes: This is really half and hour, but it's equivalent to the 5 minutes that a guy's football game will last before he takes out the garbage.

Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Barbecue: You brought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he 'made the dinner'.

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, 'focus... breathe... push...'

Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Drink: Something you buy at a late-night shop to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Exercise: To walk up and down a shopping mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Fine: Used to end an argument when she feels she's right. Men - never use 'fine' to describe how a woman looks.

Grocery List: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hairdresser: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

Lipstick: On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear.

Nothing: The feeling that a woman has to turn you inside out, upside down & backwards. Usually last for 5 minutes and ends with Fine.

Thanks: When a woman is thanking you, do not thank her - just say, 'You're welcome'.

Thanks A Lot: A woman says 'Thanks A Lot' when she's really ticked off at you. You have offended her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask her, 'What's Wrong' because she will only tell you 'Nothing'. Not to be confused with Thanks.

That's OK: One of the most dangerous statements she can make to a man. She wants to think long and hard before paying him back for whatever he's done. Often used with Fine and in conjunction with danger.

Valentine's Day: A day when you dream of a candlelit dinner, diamonds and romance, but are lucky if you get a card.

Waterproof Mascara: Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

The Whole Truth

Henry was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick, no matter what. The house was filled with electric potato peelers, self-rocking chairs, and other odd stuff. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to stop being such a sucker for every new gadget that came along.

One day, Henry came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot – “but not just ANY robot,” Henry said. “This one is a LIE DETECTOR!”

At around 5:30 PM, their 11-year-old son, Little Johnny, came home – two hours later than he should have.
“Where have you been, young man?” Henry demanded. “Why are you so late getting home from school?”
“Charlie, Bobby and I went to the library to work on an extra-credit project for history class,” said Little Johnny.
The robot strode around the table and slapped Little Johnny, knocking him completely out of his chair.

A startled Little Johnny climbed back onto his chair.
“Son,” said Henry, “This robot is a sophisticated lie detector, and it knows when you’re telling the truth. Let’s try again. Where did you really go after school?”
“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,” said Little Johnny.
The robot stood there.

“What movie did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments,” answered Little Johnny.
The robot charged around the table and smacked Little Johnny to the floor once more.

With his lip quivering, Little Johnny got up, sat down and said, “I’m sorry I lied. We really watched a movie called Sex Kittens of New Orleans.”

“I'm ashamed of you, son,” said Henry. “When I was your age, I never, ever lied to my parents about anything. I always told them the truth.”
At that, the robot wheeled across the room to Henry and delivered a whack that nearly laid him flat.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't blame Little Johnny for lying. You did it too, and after all, he is your son!”
The robot immediately scooted over to Marsha and knocked her cold.

Mennonite Washrooms

Why do they put condoms in Mennonite washrooms?
To prevent the spread of Abes.

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, “No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.”

Little Johnny's Tampax Protection

Little Johnny and his brother walk into a pharmacy. They pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asks Little Johnny, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” Little Johnny replies.

The man continues, “Do you know what these are used for?”

“Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one.”

Wide Receiver Signing

The Dallas Cowboys have announced the signing of a new wide receiver.

His name is Bin Laden - he's 6 foot 4 inches and no one can catch him.

Is That God's Boy Over There?

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God's boy over there?”
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “On my bill.”

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability.”

King Of The Jungle?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammered, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared his challenge.
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree several times, then stomped him until the lion was flat as a pancake.

Then the elephant took up a trunk-full of water, soaked the lion, and then trumpeted in victory before sauntering away.

The lion let out a moan, lifted his head weakly and hollered, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to get all huffy about it.”

Wirgin Honeymoon

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the Doctor.

He said, “How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay.”

The Doctor told him, “I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together - quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, “You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.”

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at dis, still in da CRATE!”

Redneck Men’s Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7)     Man - “Fat Penguin!”
        Woman - “WHAT?”
        Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy - can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench - every time I think of you my nuts tighten up.

The Perfect Man

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.”

Air-To-Ground Speeding Ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, California. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset, and then it turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.

Something Sounds Fishy

It was February the 29th, being a leap year. I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop so I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating, so I pulled into a shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, “Fix the darn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal.”

While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, “Hi, Gill!” (you have to yell, he's hard of herring.) Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.

I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual, rusty snails, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, just for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole! Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, 'Salmon Chanted Evening', and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellow tail, and she was giving me the eye, so I figured this was my chance for a little fun, you know, a piece of pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom, she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure.

Boy could she drink, she drank like a... She drank a lot! I said, “What's your sign?” She said, “Aquarium.” I said, “Great, let’s get tanked!” I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, “Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows.” She threw me that same old line, “Not tonight, I got a haddock.” And she wasn't kidding either cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I've ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with muscle.

He came over to me and said, “Listen, shrimp, don't you come crawling around here.” What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, “Aaa bologna. You're just being shellfish.” Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill because he was already on the phone to the cods.

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, “Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon.”

Well, the yellow tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and she said, “Hey big boy, you're really a game fish, what's your name?” I said, “Marlin.” Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders, and then I went home with her. Why knot? She was a-lure-ing. But what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams.

Early Easter Date 2008

Do you realize how early Easter is this year? As you may know, Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 19/20 in 2008, depending where you live in the world). This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare. Here’s the interesting info: this year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives (March 23, 2008)! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier!

Easter Date Facts