Little Johnny's Tampax Protection

Little Johnny and his brother walk into a pharmacy. They pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asks Little Johnny, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” Little Johnny replies.

The man continues, “Do you know what these are used for?”

“Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one.”

Wide Receiver Signing

The Dallas Cowboys have announced the signing of a new wide receiver.

His name is Bin Laden - he's 6 foot 4 inches and no one can catch him.

Is That God's Boy Over There?

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God's boy over there?”
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “On my bill.”

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability.”

King Of The Jungle?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammered, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared his challenge.
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree several times, then stomped him until the lion was flat as a pancake.

Then the elephant took up a trunk-full of water, soaked the lion, and then trumpeted in victory before sauntering away.

The lion let out a moan, lifted his head weakly and hollered, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to get all huffy about it.”

Wirgin Honeymoon

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the Doctor.

He said, “How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay.”

The Doctor told him, “I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together - quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, “You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.”

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at dis, still in da CRATE!”

Redneck Men’s Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7)     Man - “Fat Penguin!”
        Woman - “WHAT?”
        Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy - can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench - every time I think of you my nuts tighten up.

The Perfect Man

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.”

Air-To-Ground Speeding Ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, California. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset, and then it turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.

Something Sounds Fishy

It was February the 29th, being a leap year. I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop so I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating, so I pulled into a shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, “Fix the darn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal.”

While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, “Hi, Gill!” (you have to yell, he's hard of herring.) Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.

I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual, rusty snails, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, just for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole! Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, 'Salmon Chanted Evening', and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellow tail, and she was giving me the eye, so I figured this was my chance for a little fun, you know, a piece of pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom, she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure.

Boy could she drink, she drank like a... She drank a lot! I said, “What's your sign?” She said, “Aquarium.” I said, “Great, let’s get tanked!” I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, “Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows.” She threw me that same old line, “Not tonight, I got a haddock.” And she wasn't kidding either cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I've ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with muscle.

He came over to me and said, “Listen, shrimp, don't you come crawling around here.” What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, “Aaa bologna. You're just being shellfish.” Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill because he was already on the phone to the cods.

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, “Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon.”

Well, the yellow tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and she said, “Hey big boy, you're really a game fish, what's your name?” I said, “Marlin.” Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders, and then I went home with her. Why knot? She was a-lure-ing. But what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams.

Early Easter Date 2008

Do you realize how early Easter is this year? As you may know, Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 19/20 in 2008, depending where you live in the world). This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare. Here’s the interesting info: this year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives (March 23, 2008)! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier!

Easter Date Facts:
1) The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 (220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you’re 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!);
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (277 years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has, or will ever see it any earlier than this year!

Robbery Suspect

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun, and robs the bank.

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The customer replies, “Yes!”
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG - shoots him in the head and kills him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did You see me rob this bank?”
The man calmly responds ... “No, but my wife did!”

Irish Blessings and Sayings

Newfie Painter

Shamus, the Newfie painter, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Gander to see him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Shamus if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object - she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Shamus asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, “Would be a pleasure ma'am. Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes.”

Asking God For New Shoes

A little 10-year-old boy was standing before a New York shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, “My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!”

“I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, “No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.”

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her, “Are you God's wife?”

Daffynitions Update

Abundance: A social event held in a farm building.
Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space.
Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats.
Antibody: Your Uncle's wife.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
Catastrophe: First prize at a cat show.
Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Deliberate: To take back to prison.
Diatribe: An extinct race.
Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else get your way.
Dulcet: A boring tennis match.
Experience: Something you don't get until just after you needed it.
Factory: A set of encyclopedias.
Faggot: A lady maggot.
Farthingale: A cheap hurricane.
Fortune: A singing quartet.
His: Pronoun, meaning hers.
Igloo: An Alaskan toilet.
Intense: A camping vacation.
Karaoke: Japanese for “tone deaf”.
Laugh: A smile that burst.
Laziness: 1. The overwhelming ambition to lead a quiet life.
Lobster: A tennis champion.
Macaroon: A Scottish cookie.
Maintenance: A man's cash surrender value.
Margin: Mother's ruin.
MC: A man who introduces people who need no introduction.
Odious: Bad poetry.
Osmosis: An early Australian prophet.
Out Of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.
Pantry: A trouser cupboard.
Peace: A period of unrest and confusion between wars.
Pessimist: Someone who burns their bridges before they get to them.
Porcupine: A yearning for bacon
Portable: Cheap furniture.
Posse: A Wild West cat.
Reoriented: Sent back to China.
Savory: A piggy bank.
Spellbinding: The cover of a dictionary.
Stalemate: Old spouse.
Time: What keeps things from happening all at once.
Vacation: The two weeks you have to slave 50 weeks to pay for.
... click here for more   Daffynitions ...

Bumper Stickers Update

I wear the pants in my family - right under my apron.
In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?
IN GOD WE TRUST: All others we virus scan.
In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was 'Aardvark'.
It's hard to be fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.
It's not pretty being easy.
I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
I've just had an operation for piles. All my troubles are behind me.
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
Just hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt.
Keep America beautiful - dispose of your lawyer properly.
Keep your city clean - eat a pigeon.
Life is a test and I didn't take very good notes.
Life is full of uncertainties. Of course, I could be wrong about that.
Love means never winning at tennis.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.
Old soldiers never die - just their privates.
Palindromes date all the way back to Eve.
Paraplegics: stand up for your rights!
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Religion: Insurance in this world against fire in the next.
Repeal the law of gravity.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Smoke dynamite and really blow your mind!
Some girls shrink from sex. Others get bigger... and bigger...
Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness.
Stop inbreeding! Ban country music.
Support Women's Lib - make him sleep in the damp patch.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Wear short sleeves - support your right to bare arms!
Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.
Women's libbers should all be put behind bras.
Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging to market reproductive organs.
... click here for more   Bumper Stickers ...

World's Most Expensive License Plate

Don't Mess With The Amish

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”
Which means: “Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.”
The man shouts back: “I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!”
The Amish man says: “Use two hands, you'll get more.”

Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?” asked the man.

“Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.”

Economics 101

Once upon a time in a small remote village, in a land far away, a stranger appeared in the town square and announced to the assembled villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to catch some. The stranger bought thousands at $10 and as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts and returned to concentrate on their farms.

The stranger reappeared in the village square a few days later and further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started searching high and low in the surrounding forests catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms, content with their profits from the second sale of monkeys.

A week later, the stranger appeared again and the offer increased to $25 for each monkey. The villagers redoubled their efforts in the search, but the supply of monkeys had became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it. Fewer monkeys were brought in for sale, so the stranger now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50.

However, he told the assembled villagers, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the stranger, the assistant had a huge cage hauled in to town. He told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys that the stranger has collected in the big cage. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the stranger returns from the big city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings, the hard earned money that they made from the capture and sale of monkeys and gave it to the assistant. They bought all the monkeys back.

They waited for the stranger to return. Days went by and turned to weeks and they never saw the stranger or his assistant. There were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a much better understanding of just how the stock market works…

Pet Fish

Bubba was stopped by a game Warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game Warden asked Bubba, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“Naw, sir”, replied Bubba. “I ain't got no fishin' license. But you gotta understand something - these fish here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?”
“Yeah. Every night, I takes these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the ice chest here and I takes 'em home.”

“That's a bunch of horse crap! Fish can't do that.”
Bubba looked at the game Warden intently for a moment and then said, “I swear it's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.”
“O.K.,” said the Warden. “I've got to see this!”

Bubba poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the Warden said, “Well?”
“Well, what?” asked Bubba.

The Warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH!' yelled the Warden!”
“What fish?” asked Bubba.

Moral of the story: We may not all be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't all as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want to about the South, but you ain't never heard of anyone retiring and moving up North...

Pregnant Fireman

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.
Little Johnny replied, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don't you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said Little Johnny confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

Crochet Doll Collection

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box, and when he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me, the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved - he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money - where did it come from?”
“Oh,” she said, “that's the money I made from selling the dolls.”

Adoption

A group of first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair colour than the other members. One of the students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, “I know all about adoption, I was adopted.”
“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.
“It means,” said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!”

Search Four Three Goats

At a Texas high school a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let THREE goats loose in the school. Before they let them go, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

These kids really outsmarted the adults... Don't you wish you'd thought of this when you were in high school?

It’s The Principal That Matters

Jethro: I’m angry with Little Johnny’s principal.
Bubba: What did he do?
Jethro: He sent Little Johnny home for swearing every day this week.
Bubba: And that made you angry?
Jethro: Sure. If all Little Johnny learns in school is how to swear, I might as well keep him home and teach him myself.

Double Decker Bus

Two bowling teams, one of all Newfies and the other of all Nova Scotians chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Moncton.

The Nova Scotia team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Newfie team rode on the top level. The Nova Scotia team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Newfies upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When she reached the top she found all the Newfies frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The Nova Scotian asked, “What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!”

One of the Newfies looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, “Yeah, but you've got a driver!”

Phone Call Four Wilson

Jethro: Hello, is this the law firm of Wilson, Wilson, Wilson, and Wilson?
Voice on the phone: Yes, it is.

Jethro: May I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, he’s out to lunch.

Jethro: Then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, he’s on a business trip.

Jethro: Then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, but he’s out today with a cold.

Jethro: Well, then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: Speaking!

Winter in Manitoba

It's winter in Manitoba
And the gentle breezes blow -
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Manitoba
When the snow's up to your butt -
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around;
I could never leave Manitoba
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!

Designated Driver

During a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall in Saskatchewan. After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie. “Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

Elephant Phonics

Little Johnny is learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, “Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!”

Deep breath... “What did you call it?”

“It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!”

... and so it does:
A F R I C A N  Elephant

Warren Buffett Quotes

A public opinion poll is no substitute for thought.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
If past history was all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians.
If you have a harem of 40 women, you never get to know any of them very well.
In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.
It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently.

It's better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you'll drift in that direction.

It's far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price.
Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

Most people get interested in stocks when everyone else is. The time to get interested is when no one else is. You can't buy what is popular and do well.

Only buy something that you'd be perfectly happy to hold if the market shut down for 10 years.
Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked.
Our favorite holding period is forever.
Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.
Risk comes from not knowing what you're doing.
Rule No. 1: Never lose money. Rule No. 2: Never forget rule No. 1.
Should you find yourself in a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is likely to be more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks.

The first rule is not to lose. The second rule is not to forget the first rule.
There seems to be some perverse human characteristic that likes to make easy things difficult.
Time is the friend of the wonderful company, the enemy of the mediocre.
We enjoy the process far more than the proceeds.
Your premium brand had better be delivering something special, or it's not going to get the business.
... click here for rest of   Warren Buffett Quotes ...

Speeding Mother

My mother has a “lead foot,” so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Texas. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.
“What do they usually do, ma'am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody & Nobody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Olive Her

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing.

After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”
“What's so peculiar about it?” asked the bartender. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”

Louvre Paintings

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When he was asked how he could mastermind such a crime, and then make such an
obviously stupid error in judgment, he replied...

Old Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Chocolate Math for 2008

[This is pretty neat how it works out... DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST... It takes less than a minute... Work this out as you read... Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out...]

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (try for more than once but less than 10) ...

2. Multiply this number by 2 ...

3. Add 5 ...

4. Multiply it by 50. I'll wait while you get the calculator ...

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758 *; If you haven't, add 1757 *...

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born ...

You should have a three digit number ...

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to have chocolate each week) ...

The next two numbers equal ...

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES IT IS!!!)


Don't believe us, eh? Verify it with this  Excel Chocolate Math Spreadsheet...

New Year’s Superstitions

Black-Eyed Peas
A tradition common to the southern states of the U.S. dictates that the eating of black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day will attract both general good luck and money in particular to the one doing the dining. Some choose to add other southern fare (such as ham hocks, collard greens, or cabbage) to this tradition, but the black-eyed peas are key.

Breakage
Avoid breaking things on the first day lest wreckage be part of your year. Also, avoid crying on the first day of the year lest that set the tone for the next 12 months.

Kissing At Midnight
We kiss those dearest to us at midnight not only to share a moment of celebration with our favourite people, but also to ensure those affections and ties will continue throughout the next 12 months. To fail to smooch our significant others at the stroke of 12 would be to set the stage for a year of coldness.

Letting the Old Year Out
At midnight, all the doors of a house must be opened to let the old year escape unimpeded. ‘He must leave before the New Year can come in,’ says popular wisdom.

Loud Noise
Make as much noise as possible at midnight. You’re not just celebrating – you’re scaring away evil spirits, so do a good job of it.

Money
Do not pay back loans or lend money or other precious items on New Year’s Day. To do so is to guarantee you’ll be paying out all year.

New Clothes
Wear something new January 1st to increase the likelihood of receiving more new garments during the year to follow.

Nothing Goes Out
Nothing – absolutely nothing, not even garbage – is to leave the house on the first day of the year. If you have presents to deliver on New Year’s Day, leave them in the car overnight. Don’t so much as take out a rug or take the empties to the recycle bin. Some people soften this rule by saying it’s okay to remove things from the home on New Year’s Day provided something else has been brought in first; the year must begin with something being added to the home before anything is subtracted.

Paying Off Bills
The New Year should not be begun with the household in debt, so cheques should be written and mailed off prior to January 1. Likewise, personal debts should be settled before the New Year arrives.

Stocking Up
The New Year must not be seen in with bare cupboards, lest that be the way of things for the year. Larders must be topped up and plenty of money must be placed in every wallet in the home to guarantee prosperity.

Weather
Examine the weather in the early hours of New Year’s Day. If the wind blows from the south, there will be find weather and prosperous times in the year ahead. If it comes from the north, it will be a year of bad weather.

Work
Make sure to do – and be successful at – something related to your work on the first day of the year, even if you don’t go near your place of employment that day. Limit your activity to a token amount, though, because to engage in a serious work project on that day is very unlucky. Also, do not do the laundry on New Year’s Day, lest a member of the family be ‘washed away’ (die) in the upcoming months. The more cautious eschew washing dishes.

Victor Borge Quotes

A smile is the shortest distance between two people.
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only things I've saved all year.

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

I only know two pieces: one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.
I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

The essence of a general's job is to assist in developing a clear sense of purpose, to keep the junk from getting in the way of important things.

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.
You want something by Bach? Which one - Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?

Hillary's First Night As President

[Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this...]

FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her...
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Washington says, “Never tell a lie.”
“Ouch!" Says Hillary, “I don't know about that.”

SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Jefferson says, “Listen to the people.”
“Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.”

THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Lincoln says, “Go to the theater.”

Philosofacts

A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough.
An elephant never forgets. After all, what does it have to remember?
Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions, they make no criticisms.
As long as your conscience is your friend, never mind your enemies.
Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but in childhood it's next to impossible.
Don't jump at conclusions - they may jump back at you.
Give some weeds an inch and they'll take a yard.
If it's such a small world, why does it cost so much to run it?
If you can't be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape.
Many a checkered career winds up in a striped suit.
Money can't buy character. Character is what we are when we are alone with ourselves in the dark.
Most of the people who sit around and wait for the harvest haven't planted anything.
No person is a failure who has friends.
One surefire way to keep living to be one hundred is to keep breathing.
Patience is often bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
People who live in glass houses should answer the doorbell.
The trouble these days is that there's no arrest for the wicked.
Unless we all work for the common good, there won't be any.
With proper care, the human body will last a lifetime.

Laura Swenson Quotes

God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him.

Men are like a deck of cards, you need a heart to love 'em, a diamond to marry 'em, a club to beat 'em and a spade to bury 'em.

Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.

Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.

No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry.

There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy... like nailing jelly to a tree for example.