Mennonite & Amish Joe-ks
Mennonite & Amish Joe-ks
“You
must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, you can ignore this notice.”
What's the best cure for truth decay?
“New
Orleans appoints Noah as Project Manager...”
Top 10 Sayings of Biblical Mothers
What does a sick preacher take?
What is the favourite sermon of the painter-turned pastor?
Why is Noah called the father of the circle?
What do you call it when a rabbi, a priest, and a minister hold a service
together?
Why don't Amish people water ski?
How did Moses describe Egypt's treatment of his people?
What grade did God give the Pharaoh?
Who
was the best financier in the Bible?
What animals didn't come on the ark in pairs?
“God
does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically.”
What kind of song do men sing in Church?
What is the sharpest tool mentioned in the Bible?
Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark?
How did Moses part the Red Sea?
When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
What animals failed to come to Noah's Ark in pairs?
Religion: Insurance in this world against fire in the next.
Who is the smallest man mentioned in the Bible?
What was Noah doing in the kitchen?
Who was the 1st electrician in the Bible?
Did you hear about the skunk who made big donations to the Church?
What did the cabbage Preacher say to his Church?
Join us as we celebrate posting our
World-1st
Christian Sudoku Puzzles!
Amish & Mennonite Joe-ks
Amish 'Honour System' Computer Virus
You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity or
computers, you are on the honour system. Please delete all of your files.
Thank thee.
(click on the thumbnail images below to
expand to full size)
God Gives Restaurant
Moldy Bible
Dear Abbey
Barn Art
Good Luck Angel
Asphalt Reclaimers
What Amish farmers do when they've got too much
pavement...
The Power Of Faith
Amish Friends
Amish Speed Wagon - NASCAR Debut
Amish Airlines - Maiden Voyage
Lunch Anyone?
1st Occurrence of Bad Gas in the Bible
40 Years In The Desert - The Real Story
A Good Sermon - On Average
Amish Friends
Amish
Elevator View
Amish
Mechanical Problems
Q: What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horse's bum?
A: A mechanic.
Q: What's the difference between a Mormon and a Mennonite?
A: Mormons can only have four wives; Mennonites can have sixteen: 4
better, 4 worse, 4 richer and 4 poorer…
Amish Airlines -
Maiden Voyage!
Q: What does
it mean when a Mennonite speaker takes off his watch and puts it in front of him?
A: Nothing.
Q: What's the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska?
A: About 3 degrees.
Q: What's the Mennonite form of birth control?
A: Put a stone in the man's shoe; it makes him limp.
Q: Why shouldn't a Mennonite be a quarterback?
A: They can't make a pass.
Q: Why did the Menno refuse to play bingo?
A: He was afraid he'd have to call out, "B-1" ( that joe-k bombed…
)
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in a Mennonite Church?
A: A visitor.
Q: What is the definition of a Mennonite?
A: Somebody that can buy from a Jew and sell to an Amishman and still make a profit.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mennonite and Japanese car?
A: A TOYODER.
Q: How do you get a Mennonite woman out of the kitchen?
A: Grease her hips and throw a twinky.
Q: What goes black and white, black and white, black and white?
A: An Old Order Mennonite somersaulting down a hill.
Q: What happens if you take one Mennonite fishing?
A: He drinks all your beer.
Q: What happens if you take two Mennonites fishing?
A: They don't drink any of your beer.
Morale: Take at least two so they won't drink all your beer.
Q: What's a significant ethical Mennonite dilemma?
A: Free beer.
Q: What's the difference between a Mennonite boy and a rock?
A: The rock moves faster.
Q: What's the shortest book in the world?
A: Mennonite war heroes.
Q: Why did they build a wall around Steinbach?
A: To stop the spread of Abe's.
Q: Why don't they hire Mennonites at the Kennedy Space center?
A: Every time they announce "Launch", the mennonites run for their lunch pails.
Q: What do you call a Mennonite coffee break?
A: Menno Pause
Q: What is the difference between Mennonite women and the garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What is a Mennonite ethical dilemna?
A: Free dance lessons.
Q: What is the difference between a Mennonite and a canoe?
A: A canoe tips.
Q: How do you fit 40 Mennonites in a phone booth?
A: Tell them that there is a quarter in the change slot.
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Mennonites were fighting over a penny.
Q: What's the difference between a Mennonite and a Hutterite?
A: The Mennonite's too cheap to buy the uniform.
Q: What's the difference between a Mennonite and a Lutheran?
A: A Lutheran will say hello at a liquor store.
Q: Why don't Mennonite women wear sleeveless dresses?
A: They aren't allowed to bare arms
Q: How many Mennonites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: 160. First you need 40 people in the lightbulb selection committee, then 40 people in
the lightbulb purchasing committee, then 40 people in the light socket location committee,
and finally you need 40 people in the electricity modulator committee.
A2: Seven, one to make the actual switch, and six to stand around complaining that they
liked the old one better.
A3: Change?
Q: How many conservative evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We couldn't possibly change the original bulb.
Q: How do you know Adam was a Mennonite?
A: Who else could stand beside a naked woman and be tempted by a fruit?
Q: Why do Mennonites never make love standing up?
A: It might lead to dancing.
Q: Why don't Mennonite go to the Orchestra?
A: They heard that they have sax and violins.
Q: What do you say to a fellow Mennonite at a dance club?
A: Nothing. You ignore them, and they'll ignore you.
Q: How do you break a Mennonite's finger?
A: You punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you break his neck?
A: You walk around his van.
Q: What goes clip, clop, clip, clop, BANG! ?
A: A drive by shooting at an Amish farm.
Q: What goes clop, clop, clop - *silence*, *silence* - clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shunning.
Q: What do you call a bad Mennonite poet?
A: Corny Reimer.
Q: Why are Mennonite guys particularly afraid of meeting their dates' father?
A: They might play the Mennonite game, and win.
Q: Why don't Mennonite women smoke?
A: They can't get their butts in the ashtrays.
One day there was van of Mennonites driving up the highway, and they saw a sign that said
maximum 50, so they let off seven people.
I was thinking of visiting some friends in Manitoba, and I asked if I would have a place
to stay. They said, "Oh yeah, you're Morden welcome."
He could have been an Anabaptist, but he wanted to live a little Luther.
Sermon Clock
A Mennonite
pastor, known for his long-winded sermons, decided to make fun of himself for a sermon on
stewardship. He stood up on the Sunday before Dedication Sunday, and announced that the
board had purchased an electric clock for the sanctuary, so that the pastor would be more
prudent in the length of his sermons.
"Now," he said, "next Sunday, if this congregation pledges $10,000 more
than it did last year, the clock will be installed in the sanctuary."
"And," he continued, "if this congregation pledges $20,000 more than last
year, the clock will be plugged in."
"And," he concluded, " if this congregation is visionary enough to pledge
$25,000 more than last year, I promise to look at the clock."
Pastor His Prime
The Mennonite
pastor just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church
for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking
a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the pastor said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's
hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's
this?" the pastor asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the pastor answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued,
"My daddy says you're the poorest pastor we ever had and I want to help you."
Pastoral Visitation
A new
Mennonite pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All
went well until he came upon one parishioner's house. It was obvious that someone was
home, but no one came to the door - even after he had knocked several times. Finally he
took out his card, wrote on the back of it "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the
door.
[Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my
voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with
me." ]
Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection
plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."
[Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid,
because I was naked: so I hid myself."]
Recurring Cuts
One day, a
barber was cutting the hair of a catholic priest. When he was done, the priest got up and
was ready to pay the barber, but the barber refused payment, saying, "I don't accept
money from leaders of the church." The priest insisted, but to no avail.
… The next day when the barber opened his shop, he found two apple pies on his
doorstep.
Later on, the barber gave a haircut to a Jewish rabbi. When he was done, the Rabbi got up
to pay the barber, but again the barber refused payment, despite the insistence of the
Rabbi. He said, "No, I don't accept money from religious figures."
… The next morning, the barber found a dozen bagels on his doorstep.
The next time he gave a haircut to a Mennonite minister, and the same thing happened - as
the Mennonite minister got up to pay for the haircut, the barber again refused payment.
… The next day the barber opened his shop to find five Mennonite ministers waiting
for haircuts.
Non Verbal Move
Once upon a
time there was a group of Mennonites living in a small remote valley. There was also a
group of Catholics living in the same area. For as long as anyone could remember, the two
groups had coexisted without any problems. The Mennonites married other Mennonites and had
Mennonite babies who grew up to do the same. In this way, the Mennonite population
flourished. The Catholics did the same, and their population grew as well.
All was well until the valley began to get too crowded. Mennonites and Catholics alike
knew that something must be done about the problem. Since the Catholics did not want to
leave their happy home, they decided the only logical solution was to force the Mennonites
to leave. So they asked the Mennonites to pack up and leave. The Mennonites, of course,
being opposed to any sort of change, did not look favourably upon this request and thought
that perhaps the better idea would be for the Catholics to leave.
Both groups agreed that one group had to leave, but they did not know how to decide whom.
In the end, it was decided that they would hold a debate between one Mennonite and one
Catholic, and whoever won the debate would get to remain in the valley. There was only one
rule for the debate: no verbal communication would be allowed.
The Mennonites selected their pastor to debate their side, and the Catholics chose their
priest. On the day of the debate, everyone in the valley gathered to watch the big event.
The Catholic priest started the debate by pointing his finger and shaking his hand once.
In response, the Mennonite pastor pointed his finger and shook his hand three times.
Next, the priest opened his hand and made a wide circular motion with his arm.
The pastor then pointed his finger and shook his hand once.
Then, the priest got out the bread and the wine and served all the Catholics.
After that, the pastor got out an apple and started eating.
At this, the priest cried out, "I give up! He's too good. I guess we will have to
leave."
So, the Catholics started packing up their things to leave.
As they were leaving, the Catholics asked the priest, "What was said during the
debate?"
The priest said, "Well, first I shook my hand once to say that God is one.
Then he shook his hand three times to say, 'Yes, but God is three.'
Then I waved my arm to say that God is everywhere, and he pointed his finger to say, 'Yes,
but God is here.' So, I served communion to remind us of our salvation from sin through
the blood of Christ.
Then he got out an apple and ate to remind us of the original sin."
Meanwhile, the Mennonites were curious to know what had been said, so they asked the
pastor what he had said that made the priest give up.
The pastor said, "I'm not really sure. First he pointed at me to say, 'YOU must
leave.' So I shook my hand three times to say, 'No! You leave!'
Then he waved his arm around to say, 'Go somewhere else.' So I pointed my finger and said,
'We're staying right here.'
But the next part is the part I just don't understand. He got out his lunch, so I got out
mine!"
Horse &
Carriage Energy Efficiency
While driving
in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of
the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on
exhaust."
Amish Mechanical Problems
An Amish
lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a
broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across
the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's
cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake...".
Amish View
An Amish
boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life - I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman
stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get
your mother."
Religious Section for more groaners
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