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1. “Me? No - I Use That Hydrant!”
A. Aline Perret-Vallee: “Ask your mom to buy you pampers; you'll have more time for fun.”
B. Jack Byrd - Eight 'stinky' suggestions!
C. Anne G: “OK, we're done learning how to walk... what's next? I suppose jumping is next!”
D. Susie Gay: “Oooooooooo, look how far he goes!”
E. Sanjay: “Me? No - I am talking about that cute little one in Red Diapers!”

F. Rick Rambin: “Now pay attention! We crawl out the window, then over to the wadding pool. Next over to the big tree by the sidewalk (no stopping at the fire hydrant this time) - then it's just a quick crawl to the ice cream truck. Ya know, if you don't bark this time, we'll be back before Mom even knows we're gone! Ready?”
G. Mark Prairie: “Baby Joe, my friend, some day this whole world will be yours! You really think so, Mr. Oscar?”
H. Laura Manory: “Do you think they'll come back for us?”, “As soon as they get around the corner, open the back door and let everyone in, Let's Party!”, “Really? well I have to wait for mommy to clean it up.”, “Why didn't they take us with them?”, “Never mind her. Who's the babe with her?” & “Remember now, that sandbox is my territory.”
I. Howard Rudolf: “Check out that girl with the tight diapers! Hey baby - your crib or mine?”
J. L.B. Scott: “Is it your turn to bite the mailman or is it my turn?”
K. Idske Mulder: “Just picture us later... when we grow up... being two old guys sitting on a balcony at the Muppet Show.”
L. Bob Hopper: “I Don't Care What BUSH Says The Oil Ain't Worth It.”
M. Donna Faye: “Hey-y-y! You ate the last bug!”
N. Tony Holt: “Hey see that cat? When we get outside I'll show you what to do!”
O. Leonore Garcia: “Aye Chihuahua”, “yo quiero Taco Bell” & “Did somebody say biscuit?”
P. Patricia A. Dooley: “Ya see little man, life ain't always black and white. There's lots of color out there!”
Q. Pete Tousignant: “The sitter's sleeping, let's hit it!”

2. “White House Phone - Communication Problems”
A. Larry Beall: “Why is it that everything I touch gets screwed up?”
B. Rachel D: “Can you hear me now?.........”
C. Ariana Dastis: “Quick, maybe if they see me on the phone they'll finally think I'm smart!”
D. Kelsey Corcoran: “Huh, this is new... the voices in my ear tellin' me what to do seemed to have subsided.”
E. Bobbie Gizey: “Uh huh......yeah...fine..do it...yeah...uh huh ...uh huh....do it ...do it...uh huh”
F. Scott Kingsley Clark: “Yes Mr. Army, we need to fix the phone line, I'm tired of all of the outages. Dick, ya there? Hello?”
G. Kyle Owens: “Hello, I can't hear you, hello????????????”
H. Andrea Jónsdóttir: “Why almost half of the USA thinks Kenny should be president...”
I. Ron McCoy: “Sadam, do you deny having weapons of mass destruction? Sadam??? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't invade your country... Fine... Have it your way then...”
J. Howard Rudolf: “Daddy, help me I screwed up the US & Iraq - what should I do?”
K. Marlene Goodman: “Ya know, Dick makes a whole lot more sense this way.” & "Damn this hotline to FEMA!”
L. Ron Wells: “Do you have Prince Albert in the can?”... “You do? Well let him out.”
M. Brad Turek: “Uncle bin Laden are you there?”
N. L.B. Scott: “No President left behind.”
O. Michael Knott: “I enjoy talking to Liberals. They are usually talking out of the other end anyways!”
P. Robbin Greer: “Daddy, they're making fun of me again. DADDY? DADDY?”
Q. Tom Wilson: “Hold my calls, I've got peace talks with Hawaii!”
R. Linda Newman: “If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”
S. Amber Short: “Okay, you're right... things will be better once Hillary is back in this office!”

3. “Waterslide & Piranha Sanctuary”
    A. Des Condon: “Mothers-in-Law a Specialty!”
    B. Katherine Corfield: “See darling, this way your suicide can be fun!”
    C. Connor Bastian: “Free funeral service with every meal!”
    D. Jacqui Graham: “Special group rate for schools!” & “Free admission for rappers.”
    E. John Meares: “Slip into something exciting!”
    F. Bob Schultz: “ADMISSION: only 1 arm & a leg”
    G. Linda Newman: “Tooth and tail on the menu today.”
    H. Jennifer Massengill: “Got Humans?”
    I. Susan Cooper: “Humans... the "Other white meat".”, “The place to go when you're fresh out of dinner ideas.”, Employee answering the telephone: “Welcome to Rachel's Waterslide and Piranha Sanctuary, our fish catch people.”, “Float on over, we've always got room for one more.” & Sign at the entrance, large print: “We Serve Everyone Here, Regardless of Ethnic Background, Gender, Financial Status, Age or Sexual Orientation/Lifestyle Choices” below in very small print: “to the Piranhas.”
    J. D. K. Browne: “Bathing Suits Not Required (they get in the pirhana's way)”
    K. Debra Chapman: “Come feed the fish with your whole family and get rid of any unwanted family members too!”

4. “PLO X-Ray - Concealed Weapon”
    A. Scott Kingsley Clark: “I'm sorry to say Mr. Jones, while you were sleeping in your hotel room in Mexico, a few delinquent kids played a prank on you. Oh and yes this does account for your anal-bleeding.”
    B. Katherine Corfield: “I'm sorry Mr. Andrews, but your suicide attempt did not work. Next time remember to pull the tag...”
    C. Connor Bastian: “Well, the good news is... you don't have cancer!”
    D. Rick Rambin: “Mr. Smith. Please sit down... gently. Now, you have heard of explosive diarrhea, well, this is kinda sorta the same thing only it's called explosive heartburn.”
    E. Kyle Owens: “... so if you exhale, it will pull the pin out and I think you know what happens then.”
    F. Andy Ussery: “Well Mr. Saied, it looks like those broken bones have healed nicely and we can pull out those pins now.”
    G. George Bergmann: “... so when my doctor said 'It's the bomb!' and ran away, I just thought he was pleased with the scan results!” & "So when I read 'For internal use only' on the label...”
    H. Mark Pritchard: “Nice work Abdol, but how do you expect to pull the pin?”
    I. Helena Pogonowska: “Was it swallowed or inserted anally?”
    J. Jessica Bradshaw: “Suicide Bomber, run for your lives.”
    K. Jason Bilberry: “Hmm, strange. Those Extraterrestrials keep doing weirder and weirder things to Abductees. First probing, then switching a victims organs with those of animals, and now this! They're putting pineapples in people! Now I've seen everything.”, “Doctor, that's not a pineapple. It's a hand grenade.”, “Oh, right you are. Well nothing to do now but yank it out!”, Yank! “Doctor! Watch the pin!” & “What!” KA-BOOM!
    L. Cory Prior: “This guy's the bomb!”
    M. Art Abshire: “Ted Kennedy's surgeon & drinking buddy shows off the results of Teddy's heart transplant.”
    N. Tim Smith: “NO! I said Pull the PIN with your teeth and Throw the grenade!”
    O. Arthur Azdair: “I know you said it's cheaper this way, but my husband has changed his mind - he prefers the normal by-pass surgery procedure.”
    P. Mickey Stoll: “Been there, done that.”
    Q. Brad Turek: On intercom:! “Nurse, get the bomb squad in here ASAP!”
    R. Irvin Kauffman: “Pinned in the rush at Sigma Chi!”
    S. Michael Thomas: “That Dr. doesn't know crap. I'm thinking of suing him for false information - he said my heart was like a TIME BOMB...”
    T. L.B. Scott: “Who said Homeland Security was a failure?”
    U. Michael Knott: “I swear it feels like my heart is going to explode!”
    V. Vince Fried: “Now, before we do your MRI, I have to ask if there is a chance of any metal in your body that might hurt you during the exam.”
    W. Tom Wilson: “... where it was reported that the Vice President accidentally shoved a grenade down his hunting partner's throat...”
    X. D.G. Henshaw: “Honest Sir, that's where Sarge told me to shove it...”
    Y. Matthew Waygood: “Always be wary of people with nipple rings!”

5. “Sometimes Life Just Isn't Fair”
    A. Carl Estes: “That cat has got to go!”
    B. Ashleigh Custer: “This is what happens when you get married!”
    C. Roy Gathercoal: “Every time it throws a shoe, I fall for it... next time, I'm not getting outta my bed for anything!”
    D. Jacqui Graham: “Excuse me, ma'am, could you explain to me again why it's better this way?”, “I may be bigger than her, but she carries concealed weapons.” & “Are you sure this is a magic basket? I've sat in it for two days but so far no bones have appeared.”
    E. Ellie Strasser: “Sigh, somehow I just don't think I'm the favorite anymore.”
    F. Marisa Poll: Dog: “Why cat - why have you betrayed me?”
Cat: “Because when we got married you never said 'I do' - you said 'ruff ruff.'”
    G. George Bergmann: “One more whimper out of you, and the hindlegs go too!'”
    H. Mark Prairie: “Brain Transfer - Is it wrong? News at Nine.”
    I. Goldie Kildea: “A Basket Case”
    J. Hannah Peace: “Is it just me or has my basket shrunk and hers has enlarged?”
    K. Jackie Godfrey: “The name is Hilton, Tinkerbel Hilton!”
    L. Donna Morris: “I wonder how many lives that damn cat has used up!!!”
    M. Diane Putnam: At the Annual 'Issues In Psychotherapy' Conference: “Ladies and gentlemen, Doofer and Miss Thang will now role-play the difference between cats and dogs.”
    N. Barry Gilfoyle: Dog says to Cat: “See, I told you I would fit. Now, can I have my fiver?”
    O. Leonore Garcia: “Guess who got 'time-out'?”, Cat to Dog: “Now who's the sissy?” & Dog: “I never win at Rock-Paper-Scissors.”

6. “Police Penance - Find the Missing Tire”
    A. Peter Vernon: “Plod gets it wrong.”
    B. Liddy Lore: “You think you could get OFF the bike while I dig this out?” & “Dumb was riding into the wet cement - Dumber is refusing to dismount!”
    C. Roy Gathercoal: “Are you sure this tire if flat, lady?”