Do It With
Line Techniques: Limits of Non-Approach"
Ric Mossip: "'Cat's
in the Cradle' Komatsu style!"
Kirk Lowry: "Hey,
Bob, which one was ground aga--AUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!", "Talk
about your all-time worst "pickup line"!",
now, Fred Dumbowski will demonstrate the local tribal dance we call the 'Komatsu
Idske Mulder: "I
know you're not running out of line, I'm saying you're way out of line there!", "My
folks always told me I would never get a high-level job if I didn't pay
attention at school. Well, they were wrong, weren't they?"
you sure this is your line of business, Joe?"
Irvin Kauffman: "Reaching
for that 'Sweet Smell of Success'"
Darwin McKee: "See
Pedro, I don't need no stinking cell phone to make a call."
Brett Tucker: "Homeland
Security hard @ work keeping Americans like you safe.", "A
little higher, little higher - just a little more..."
throw me another beer & squirt that hose up here it's - frickin hot today!"
Philip Bassett: "That's
it Jose, attach the booster cables and we will soon have this thing going again."
Tom Napoli: "Tell
me again, how do you jump start these things?"
Dave C.: "You
told me stealing cable was as easy as plugging in the TV."
Joseph Howard: "We
put the Koma in Komatsu."
“Yeah, okay, it works... but I still say it’s a lot less work to just use dental floss!”
Kirk Lowry: "All
your sidewalks belong to us!", "Dennis
the Menace - the twilight years...", "Let's
see those punks leave their tricycles in my driveway again!"
just what I thought... those were Rabbit tracks!"
Idske Mulder: "Let's
Ric Mossip: "What
do you mean how many gears? With this baby... up and over... is all you need!", "This
model is real popular with motorcycle gangs. Press this button here, and you
make your OWN roads!", "We-e-l-ll...
ok... so it isn't all that pretty... with a little chrome, flames, and ... well,
nevermind all that... With the very short summers they have in Canada... It's a
for the picture Mr. KettenKrad. Zis Vill outzell zee Zo called 'Quad' in
Matt Sullivan: "When
I said a TRACKING device I meant a GPS!"
Dick Robinson: "Just
bring that Hummer on!"
Adam Heiby: "I
got a new power stroke ford 350 leather seats and 34'' super swampers and u
rabbit with level 2 armor metal seats and standard mg-42 hmg."
Tom Napoli: "And
this is how the Germans beat the French."
Kim Scholer: "NSU
parking only. All others WILL be crushed."
Della Norton: "Look
Mommy, I'm a big boy now and I have better training wheels..."
Kirk Lowry: "Hey,
look at it this way... at least we're not 'crack' heads!", "Soooo...
if she spins the bottle, does he have to kiss who its pointed at?", "Pssst...
I'm a Pepsi man, myself..."
anybody got a Diet?"
Irvin Kauffman: "American
Champagne rules the world, and now... subjects of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz."
Idske Mulder: "After
putting all their problems on the table, the men have reached a real bottle-neck
situation. It's obvious who's going to solve the situation: The woman is the
only one keeping her head clear!"
Darwin McKee: "Are
you sure this is how we make contact with the alien mother ship?"
Nadine Taha: "This
is what you call 'addicted'..."
Bob La Rosa: "Which
bottle has the rum in it? I'm tired of saki!"
going on? I thought you said let's go for a toke!"
Linda Newman: "Vacuum
tube brains in a microchip world."
Tom Napoli: "Ah,
so, let us bow our heads and pray to the gods of syrup."
Joseph Howard: "Take
me to your liter!"
Nick Amso: "Looks
like they're on coke, or perhaps the coke's on them."
Flap - a Toast For Your Cat"
Daisy Newcomb: "Boy
That Cat is Toasted!"
Idske Mulder: "Amused?
Who is being amused here really? How on earth am I going to take my daily 22
hours 'cat nap' this way?"
Kirk Lowry: "A
not-so-suprising discovery in the cat-flap anti-gravity test: the everlasting
squeaky dog-toy!", "Our
next research project: how much CAN a cat puke up?"
tax dollars at work..."
Tom Napoli: "Where
do you put the butter and jelly?"
Della Norton: "I
said, 'Lets toast TO the cat...NOT put toast ON the cat...' Now look at him - he
found a new spin cycle."
look at me - I'm a new Bird feeder..."
Karen Moore: "Mommy,
what's that smell?"
Kirk Lowry: "Aw,
where future lawyers, politicians, managers, and other assorted 'pain in the
rears' are earmarked for future development...", "Dang,
this telescope is big - I can see Uranus from here!"
it's fun to look at... but think of all the psychiatrist fees you'll have in the
Idske Mulder: "Finally
found out why people make up all these stories about where children come from:
the Stork, a large cabbage... This giant Elephant-enema truth is a bit too
embarrassing to tell!"
Cassidy DeGennaro: "Hey
Mommy, I see the end - it's brown and kind of long! Come look, Mommy..."
Irvin Kauffman: "Sorry
Tootsie, There is no 'Return to the Love Canal'!"& "Too
Pooped to study Anatomy? (obviously a Female elephant)"
Terry Mossip: "It's
easy Mom - just run around till you get pooped out."
Tom Napoli: "Mommy,
I found the leak in the city gas main."
Rickie Messer: "I
got your preparation-H applicator. No honey - it's right here in my hand."
Della Norton: "Here
at our Pre-School we teach the children how the digestive system really works."
Kirk Lowry: "No,
Bubba don't got no bus driver's license, but I don't think that'll be much of a
real reason nobody in Arkansas makes it past the fifth grade..."
Idske Mulder: "This
teacher has such extravagant ideas and opinions that he had to go underground!"
Irvin Kauffman: "Anatomy
101-102 taught here, enter through the Rear Door."
Gary Carroll: "Old
school house dog kennel."& "Sex
Ed was always taught better in the back seat!"
Jennifer Kelley: "Mississippi...
Transporting our children without CDL license since 1966."& "Come
on in, Ma... Sorry the place is a little dirty..."
Beau Lessard: "Are
kids aint learnin nuthin in them skewls so Bubba found a good use for them fancy
long yella cars."
Tom Napoli: "Yo
Bubba, lookie whata I found when I cut the grass."
Della Norton: "You
know the saying, 'Sink the Bismark'? well this is the new meaning: 'Sink the Bus
I know why grandpa had to walk 20 miles through the snow to get to school - the
Busses weren't grown yet."
they said the underground railroad was good, so I thought I would give a Bus a try."
I. Ralph Hammerl: “Too cool for school”
Dentistry - Painful but Fast!"
Terry Mossip: "Doctor,
I believe you have the magnifiers on backwards!"
Kirk Lowry: "Yeah,
Home Depot had this GREAT sale this weekend! You should've been there...", "Novacane....
he's with HMO."
on... you did call for the 7/8 drill bit, right? Or was that the 1/8?"
Idske Mulder: "How
to tell if your dentist was 'drilled' by a contractor..."
David Bailey: "We're
supposed to be fixing cavities, not creating them!", "Now
THAT'S gonna leave a cavity!"
dentistry AND brain surgery all in one!"
Barbara Fitzgerald: "Better
dentistry through Black and Decker."
Karen Moore: "Bore-n
Again Dentist creates own Hole-In-One!"
Irvin Kauffman: "HOLEY
Rose Timmons: "One
screw is the solution of your missing tooth problem."
Philip Bassett: "Don't
worry about your tooth, I've just chopped the end of my finger off."
Linda Newman: "The
dentist went deaf from the drill holes."
Lori Rogers: "Just
relax - I know what I'm doing..."
Tom Napoli: "This
won't hurt the bit."
Della Norton: "Good
thing we put him to sleep. He's gonna feel that in the morning.", "Gives
a new meaning to being hit by a mack truck."
Man - I think I just drilled the wrong tooth... Think he will notice?"
Joseph Howard: "Open
wide. You know the drill!"
Rajani Pugalia: "Cavity
being filled or being made?"
Ship - Japanese Style"
Kirk Lowry: "Day
one of the JHA (Japanese Hemorrhoid ASSociation)'s annual cruise..."
are these things supposed to be lead-lined?"
Idske Mulder: "O,
o, o, o, o! ...
Is this for real or just for the show?
They blow and they blow and they blow
And none of us will ever know
'Cause when in despair
They all let out the air
It blew in the sails
And made them turn tails!"
Irvin Kauffman: "Oh
no, not 'river sausage' again, hemorrhoids not have hUmor!"
Philip Bassett: "The
Captain was known to be a practical joker, but the quick drying adhesive gas was
John Behr: "Genetically
Engineered Giant 'Ring Bean' Eating Competition."
Chris Stout: "When
the boss of Nissan got a flat tyre, everyone wanted to help out."
Linda Newman: "Whoopie
cushions have gone high tech."
Tom Napoli: "Blow
Daniel Mosemann: "'Balloon
Animals 101' at the Acme Clown School"
Della Norton: "Simon
Says: Blow Blow Blow your Floats, and toss them gently down the stream...", "Do
you think the enemy will see us coming? No, this is camouflage for deep sea
ha, ha! When they see us they will think it is Christmas in our red and green
for elephants made in Japan."
captain said he wanted us to play the Bagpipes! What are you doing?"
Irvin Kauffman: "More
young hopefuls left hanging-out-to-dry!"
Idske Mulder: "Any
idea where the children are hanging out, dear?"
Kirk Lowry: "Ouch...", "Alieve...
for all your aches and pains..."
for the live-action filming of 'Gumby' started today..."
Richard D. Thiessen: "They'll
bend over backwards for you!"
Darwin McKee: "I
told you girls you were out of shape. Not one of you can touch your toes yet."
Philip Bassett: "After
failing the audition, these four young hopefuls were hung out to dry."
Chris Stout: "These
back exercises kill me!"
Megan Kok: "You
Charlotte Sellwood: "You
didn't have to LITERALLY bend over backwards for me!"
Mrs Brown: "Geez,
talk about the butterfly effect!"
Joseph Howard: "Four
ballerinas walk into a bar..."
Darwin McKee: "Honey
did you make it to the store to buy the beer for our 4th of July cook out?" "Yep."
Brendan Groeneveld: "You
might think having 1 of every beer in a huge fridge out on the street all opened
up is a bad idea... but when the Cubs come along, I'm the king in town!"
Irvin Kauffman: "599
bottles o' beer on the wall, 599 bottles o' beer... how far is it to Mtigwaki?"
Kirk Lowry: "Bob,
formerly labeled 'science geek', was suddenly granted a lifetime membership in
Phi Beta Kappa.", "Great
explorer Dwayne Cartwright has discovered the Garden of Eden... on a beach in
the Caribbean!", "What???
No 'Moosepiss Dark Ale'??? This place sucks.", "......................!"
Idske Mulder: "Yes
dear, I'm all packed for the vacation! Just counting to be sure I haven't
Philip Bassett: "Mmmmm,
beer! But Mo, where's the Duff?"
his tragic climbing accident, Charles finally reached the Pearly Gates."
Chris Stout: "So
you don't have any Brown Ale then?"
Linda Newman: "Beauty
is in the eye of the 'beerholder'."
Blake Burnett: "Of
all places to be stuck without a bottle opener..."
Travis Kern: "Decisions...
Kyle Wilckens: "Genie:
'OK son, what's your second wish?' Dude:
'No - I'm good. Thanks, that about covers it.'"
Jasmine Weiss: "What
do you mean I have a drinking problem?"
Paul Bottel: "Hey!
Were you born in a barn? Shut the door! All the beers gonna get warm!"
Joseph Howard: "Darn,
we're out of milk again."
Highest Tennis Match"
Kirk Lowry: "Friggin
coach tickets...", "Early
in-flight entertainment was rather limited before the advent of the VHS tape...", "AGAIN????
That's it, you're gettin' the stupid ball this time!!!", "Okay,
okay... next time I'm servin beverages!"
shoulda used Hotwire ..."
Irvin Kauffman: "In-flight
replay my ass, it's still love-nothing!"
Idske Mulder: "Have
you seen the ball boy anywhere? Think we're running out of balls soon!"
Brian Smedley: "Quiet
up there guys, you're making too much racket."
shut up or we'll kick your tin-ass."
Philip Bassett: Pilot: "Hurry
up you two, I'm running out of deuce."
6 grueling sets, Jimbo was plain-ly the better player."
Paul Bottel: "What
started out as a highly anticipated doubles match between the French National
team and the Spanish National team has taken a horrific and unexpected turn for
the worse as a player from each team dropped to his death while changing sides
after a service break."
Della Norton: "This
is why Little Penny thought the sky was falling. It was'nt an acorn that hit her
on the head, it was a tennis ball.", "This
is why the makers of air hockey said it was safer than air tennis.", "I
said hit the ball over the NET, NOT over the PLANE!"
Hit one TO Me... I want to hit it back."
Nick Amso: "Where
are those ball boys when you really need them?"
Idske Mulder: "Think
our son found a way of telling us he wants a moped for his birthday to tinker
Irvin Kauffman: "Harry
ManUreSithe - Hogwarts new Gardener!"
Kathy Williams: "Bubba
certainly is a Nascar wannabe!"
Elizabeth Watts: "Hey
ma - I just got pulled over by a cop saying I was doing 40 in a 25 mph zone
doing the lawn.", "Superman
to have fun and cut the grass too!"
Philip Bassett: "Burt
was desperate to see the game, so filled his mower with nitro. He was now
beginning to regret it."
Chris Stout: "Awww
jeez, I aint never going to get this lawn cut before the wife gets home."
Sherri Gisler: "Grain
Alcohol... not just for breakfast anymore!"
Ron McCoy: "Look
closer... I think it's Tim Allen!"
Mrs Brown: "It's
a bird, it's a plane... nope... it's a Briggs and Stratton."
John Schrag: "What
row of young trees?"
Della Norton: "3...2...1...Blast
off...Houston. I see the landing sight on the moon. Do we have permission to
I do see a little green grass here... Permission to start mowing sir..."
for Well Heeled Shoppers"
Philip Bassett: "Doctor,
I keep getting pins and needles in my feet."
Idske Mulder: "Q:
Didn't know you got married? A:
Yes, finally found out how to nail someone!"
method of saving lots of money: shopping hours reduced to a minimum & no longer
any expenses on the acupuncturist!"
Kirk Lowry: "Ouch...", "The
reason why women invented ties...", "Breaking
news: male scientist discovers way to limit wife's shopping sprees..."
she's got that walking-in-high-heels thing nailed."
Irvin Kauffman: "Victoria's
Reversible S&M Flats and, for a song... Nine Inch Nails!"
Jennifer Sutton: "Umm,
thanks hunny, but this isn't really what I meant when I said I wanted '4 inch
Linda Newman: "I've
been nailed. What other colors do they come in?"
Jordan Perdue: "Ever
heard the phrase 'walking on pins and needles'?"
Kaelyn Draco: "Doctor,
I would like to be 4 inches taller please."
Della Norton: "For
the girl who loves to be barefooted and still look good in heels.", "Audition
for pay less shoes... I think she has this one Nailed... Buffy in the nail chain
heels." & "Honey?
Do you still want me to walk on your back?"
Jeffrey Hatcher: "This
gives new meaning to 'nail me pumps'"
Kirk Lowry: "Yeah,
well, chicks dig me for my personality!", "Guess
who didn't use the 'real' yellow-pages!"
I don't think I'll make it to that next gas station..."
Irvin Kauffman: "Confucius
say: Ladder of success get laid, on non-retractable training wheels."
Idske Mulder: "Going
for the 1st prize in the contest of finding new ways to keep your feet dry
during the rainy season!"
Andrew Rempel: "Finally,
a motorcycle that can carry a man AND his ego."
Irvin Kauffman: "I
don't know... could be FUN!"
Idske Mulder: "We've
got a full moon every day, but there's absolutely nothing romantic about it!"
Kirk Lowry: "It
was the last day that Bob Hatfield said hello to his neighbor, Larry McCoy, as
they picked up their morning newspapers...", "Honey,
where's that cactus the kids got me for Father's day? Somebody needs an enema.", "This
means war...", "Dennis
grew up to run a successful landscaping business, yet in some circles, he was
still known as 'The Menace'."
kids are back from college, I see..."
Philip Bassett: "Butt
that wasn't there yesterday!"
Wainwright's wax treatment was long overdue, but Burt was reluctant to offer the
use of his hedge trimmer."
Linda Newman: "Here's
butting you, frat knocker!"
Chris Stout: "Yes!
That's piles all right."
Sherri Gisler: "Edward
Sissorhands is in the neighborhood, and I don't think he likes you!"
Robert Mexico: "Howdy
there, neighbor! If you need to borrow some toilet paper, all ya have to do is
Della Norton: "Hey
Martha, come look at this. It looks like your mother." & "Hey
mister, take a picture - it lasts longer."
J. Ralph Hammerl: “And then he said, 'Kiss my grass'”
Irvin Kauffman: "Red,
White, and Blueish - Keeps Your Attention Up and not Flagging!"
Elizabeth Watts: "Want
the right size, pour your dress..."
Idske Mulder: "Paparazzi
finally discovering Cinderella's secret."
Kirk Lowry: "Home
Depot announced record sales last Thursday, nearly doubling their entire annual
profits for the past two years, after unveiling their new line of paint
jeans... not just an expression anymore!" & "Bulemia
Support Group-Therapy... a new service offered by Kelly-Moore Paints."
D.G. Henshaw: "In
a minute honey, I'm almost ready - just putting on the finishing touches!"
Della Norton: "Honey,
does this make me look fat?", "Paint.
Not for just walls anymore...", "He
said he wanted a fresh look. I'll give him a fresh look.", "Honey,
I'm ready to paint the town now..." & "You
can't say you have nothing to wear anymore and you can't say it is not the right
color. Pick a color paint and go."
"Paint Shop Pros"
Kirk Lowry: "Future
Home Depot employees...", "Government
contractors at it again.", "1-800-ADOPT-US...
please ask for Brad, their fath... um.... case agent."
of paint... $10
Hardwood floors... $7 per square foot
Plasma TV... $2000
Having a wife strong enough to hold you back... Priceless"
Thomas Spencer: "The
warning label 'Keep out of reach of children' got covered up by a teeny-tiny
spot of paint."
Irvin Kauffman: "Mommy
said we can't watch that program!"
Idske Mulder: "Mummy!
Daddy! We made you a nice smooth dancing floor for the party you're throwing
tonight! Started on the decoration too!"
Jacque Sparks: "My
Kids' Last Day On Earth."
Linda Newman: "'Casper'
missed a spot!"
Misty Walker: "Missing:
Two boys - last seen like this. Police and Grandparents fear the worst. Parents
refusing to comment."
Dave Ward: "And
when we are done here, Mommy, we'll start on YOUR room!"
Robert Mexico: "Hello,
local adoption agency?"
Liz Butler: "But,
Honey, I only left them for a minute..."
it's a 'good thing' we bought water-based paint."
Darlene Johnston: "I
heard you tell your friends I was going to be another Picasso. Surprise! This is
my first masterpiece and I made it just for you, Mommy."
Della Norton: "Look
Mommy - We didn't get any on the wall." & "I
heard you tell Daddy to use white out when he made a mistake. Is this what you
Cory Prior: "Mom,
you're ruining the surprise. We're not done remodeling the house yet!"
“No! No! You’re not going to pull me into that lake!”
Irvin Kauffman: "I'm
WHAT? You Fed a Baby... CHILI!!!"
Kirk Lowry: "Well,
at least they didn't put me in the bike seat this year...", "For
reasons unexplained, little Bobby would grow up to become a world-renowned
'cuz he was misbehavin', Officer!"
we ran outta diapers yesterday."
Brendan Groeneveld: "First
that plane, now this? I Told you those Dutch are up to no good!"
discipline management lesson number 443-B: NEVER, EVER submit to anger."
Idske Mulder: "We
can only go on vacation when the weather's good, and the police are having their
Linda Newman: "Mom
showed up in time. I almost was buried alive."
Sarah Burdette: "This
is why the world needs grandmothers."
Tony Holt: "They
have everything but the kitchen sink."
Spears going on vacation."
Chris Stout: "How
am I supposed to know how to do hand signals?"
Leonore Garcia: "...
Jamie Flanagan: "Mommy
- I heard of time outs, but come on!"
Paul Bottel: "I
don't know where they are? They were both on their bikes last time I looked. It
was right before we went under that low bridge about a mile back or so."
Don Sartori: "Like
I said, we are going camping during our retirement, AND I don't like the airline
Phil Forde: "Well,
Doris, lunch on the Riviera, then tea downtown Abbotsford."
Brendan Groeneveld: "HEY,
a plane that's NOT a Dutch contraption... cool."
do i have to order flight tickets via some travel agency? Or can I buy one for
myself and ram it in something blunt that's obscurring my sight?"
Idske Mulder: "That's
not what I had in mind when I said 'Let's take the highway!'"
to next? Don't know! Couldn't find a guide-book of camp sites with a runway yet!"
(with reference to Spaceballs) "Hey,
Barf... your turn to drive. That 'special' ain't sittin' right...", "Aw,
c'mon Herb, now look where Neptune is! Pull this thing over and ask for
kids, you all behave back there, or I'll turn this thing right back around! I'm
not kiddin! HEY!!! I MEAN IT!!!"
Jack 'Hotlanta' Byrd: "Are
We There Yet?", "Mom
- my cell is out of range, this Totally Sucks!", "Dad!
The game starts in 30 minutes!", "Mom,
Dad - where's Barfy?"
Korea's Latest Attempt"
Linda Newman: "Camper
I can fly - it has wings, doesn't it?", "Flying
Camper. Whoa, Whoa, big fella...", "OK
tower, if you hear me, rock the tower!"
don't sell tickets, they sell chances."
Jack Porcenaluk: "And
next year we're flying the boat to Mexico!"
Monte Emerson: "Drive
more carefully you moron - you're gonna spill the toilet again!"
Shelly Mullins: "So
that's why they call it an AIRSTREAM!"
the trailer's a 'flyin', don't bother tryin'!"
William Weise: "Airstream
in the Jetstream"
Directions?... No, Let's Just Wing It."
Tom Napoli: "The
price for camping in South Jersey is crazy - everyone is moving out."
Clint Cook: "You
MIGHT be a Redneck if...", "You
Might be a Redneck CEO if..."
Set us up for Ludicrous Speed!"
Della Norton: "Did
you E-Mail God to let him know were coming?" & "I
said let's camp out UNDER the Stars, not IN them..."
Jim Bourassa: "'Airstream
Force 1' - The Presidential Camper!"
Garry L. LaPoint: "'Fly
& Stay' with all the convenience of an 'RV'"
Tom Peart: "It's
a bird, no it's a plane... no, it's a JETSTREAM!" & "Are
there trailer parks on Mars? No, but this gives Boondocking a whole new meaning."
Ralph Forrester: "Miles
Above Any Other Trailer."
sKY Weishar & slaDE~: "How
many skydivers can you fit in a Plane Camper? Door!"
Charlie Greenwood: "How
come we didn't get the bay window model? This thing is giving me tunnel vision!" & "Look,
Barf! They've upgraded us from the Winnebago!"
Gordon Savatsky: "If
a Team Airstream joins the Tour De France next year we know how it's going to
Bored Rider's Uplifting Experience"
Brent Offenberger: "Whoooooo!!!
We should have never let her eat that many beans for lunch!", "Hey,
what's this 'EJECT' button do?"
people have an 'Out of the body experience' and others have an 'Out of the tube
Kirk Lowry: "Houston,
we have a problem...", "Oh...
Margaret... I think our SeaDoo is now full of doo...."
Henry, go around again, only faster this time! They're still back there!"
Pamela Jordan: "One
down, two to go."
Brian Smedley: "Now
showing in theatres: Scream 5, 'Attack of the Killer Wail'. If you've seen Jaws,
you haven't seen jaws like this."
Idske Mulder: "Voice
training summer camp for the future Andrew Sisters."
sport: Bumpee Jumping."
Linda Newman: "The
three amigos.", "Water
adventures of Huckleberry Finn."
faster - here comes Jaws!"
Tex Tyler: "Whoa
kid, take it easy on the syrup! Whaddaya want diabetes or something??!?!"
Bobby Jenkins: "Keep
those toes pointed kid, looks like you have everything under control."
Della Norton: "I
WANT MY MOMMY!!!" & "I
thought you said this was going to be FuuuuuuuuuuuN..."
Kay Mitchell: "Serious
Ringing in the Ear"
Jack Byrd: "No
more Tequilla Parties, OK, Guys?", "Look
Ma, No Hands!", "OK
Newfie - keep the phone by your ear...", (from childhood) "Get
off that damn phone before it grows to your ear!"
free gone too far!"
Kirk Lowry: "Ouch...", "Hey,
Leon... ya seen my phone anywhere?", "Doc,
its crazy, but I've got this weird ringing in my ear... just sorta comes and
latest craze in stupidity..."
to think, we used to worry about parsley stuck in our teeth!"
Idske Mulder: "Our tribe definitely doesn't use the tomtom anymore!"
Karen Moore: "What
a w-EAR-d sense of humour!"
Linda Newman: "Do
parts of your ear tingle when you get cell phone minutes?"
can't talk - I'm having something growing an inch a day in my ear."
Dave Fairbanks: "Can
you "EAR" me now?"
Mrs Brown: "Before-Bluetooth
Wayne Federline: "Have
ringing in your ears?"
Della Norton: "For
those who are hard of hearing, we now have an phone ring holder." & "For
ear piercing call Brian at 555-1234"
Karen Moore: "This
light's for you!"
little beer of mine... I'm gonna let it shine...", "Before
replacing the beerbulbs with regular lightbulbs, 'The Shining' was simply
another boring documentary.", "Beerbulbs...
now making the entire room look attractive!"
because beer-goggles are sooooooo last year..."
Stew Leslie: "For
Electrical Engineers, this is in 'pour' taste."
(One insect says to another) "I
thought you said watch out for the BUG Light!", "How
many light beers does it take to screw up a drinker?", "The
cartoon symbol for when you get a great idea in a bar."
light, other beers P-ALE by comparison."
Idske Mulder: "Bud
has seen the light! So now Bud's wiser."
Crispin Fisher: "How
many barmen does it take to change a light beer barrel?"
Linda Newman: "A
a lite beer to light up your day."
Della Norton: "This
could be a shocking experience." & "Who's
bright idea was this?"
Don Sartori: "I
suppose you're all wondering why I called this meeting?"
Karen Moore: "Building
your garden one byte at a time."
Idske Mulder: "Just
like the Chicken and the Egg, which one came first: The Apple or the Tree?
Here's the proof: Apples don't grow on trees. Trees grow on Apples!"
Kirk Lowry: "Hello,
Mr. Skedgwicky? Yes, this is Bob from ComputerSux Repair Center... the good news
is, we've discovered the problem with your network...", "Got
Corleone sent Luca Bratzie to fix the system. It's now pushing up daisies."
its back to Solitaire the hard way. Got a deck?"
Linda Newman: "'Click'
on pansies and a window opens!", "When
the going gets tough, upgrade to a garden.", "An
apple a day will keep the bugs away."
my floppy, you big apple!"
Phil Forde: "And
they said I couldn't use 9 computers simultaneously!"
Sam Woodfield: "No
- a worm!"
Brett Gordon: "Perennial
Ponderosa Ziebert: "Finally,
a good use for apple. No, not the fruit."
Irvin Kauffman: "The
'Hung' Gardens of Babble On..."
Paul Bottel: "Joe's
new creation 'The computer monitor planters' haven't sold nearly as well as 'The
used toilet planters' or 'The old microwave planters' did."
Della Norton: "Gardening
is just a click away." & "The
newest windows for gardening tips see
joe-ks.com for details..."
M. Eddy Sweeney: “Now you can always monitor your garden progress”
Pulling Your Chain?"
Kirk Lowry: "Hey!
Boxed lunch!!!", "'Pull
my finger'... I'll show YOU 'pull my finger'!!!", "Meals
on Wheels, hold the wheels..."
REAL reason the tortoise won..."
Idske Mulder: "The
Fox isn't pulling his tooth, he's just pulling your leg, Rabbit! Watch out!"
Robert Mexico: "I
think this is how Farmer Joe did it..."
Gerry Wolfdridge: "Life
for the animals during The Great Depression."
David S. Camp: "I
said get the Uzi not the Fuji!"
Della Norton: "Who
outsmarted the fox this time?", "I
told my kids I would find the easter bunny. And look - here he is..."
stew for dinner, hun."
"Employee Of The Month"
Jen Metasavage: "Could
someone please bring me some toilet paper?"
Idske Mulder: "She's
really getting to the bottom!"
Kirk Lowry: "In
keeping with my latest raise, I give the company...", "Dangit.
I hate this crappy connection!!!"
sound nice. where are you?**"
Alan Howting: "Sending
a pic with scratch and sniff option."
Andrew Edel: "Toilet
stalls of the World: Review #525... clean floors, nice tiles, too white!"
Debanshu Mukherjee: "I
can handle 'PRESSURE'!"
Dawna Raburn: "Getting
the job done twice."
Phil McGinley: "...ok,
next it says 'Insert the lil silver bullit here'..."
Marilyn Chester: "I've
got a crappy virus and I'm dumping the load."
Robert Mexico: "Finally,
I can check my e-mail with no interruptions!"
Randy Anderson: "Hey,
can't you use a Playboy like everyone else!"
Laura Farrell: "Multi-Tasking..."
Rick Brennecke: "Sometimes
this job stinks."
James Santos: "Why
does Dad call it "The Library"?"
Roseann Collymore: "GIGO
(Garbage in/Garbage out)"
Paul Bottel: "Jill
always did her best thinking sitting on the pot."
Della Norton: "Reseaching
for toilet training." & "Ok...
I have pants down to ankles and I am now sitting. What do I do next?"
Nick Amso: "Killing
two birds with one stone."
“I thought she really meant it when she said 'Take this job and shove it'.”
To Pop A Zit"
Kirk Lowry: "Shop
class... it's not just for credits anymore!", "Next
week... using a metal-press to extract a loose tooth..."
is your face. This is your face on puberty. This is your puberty-ridden face on
pot. Any questions?"
Darwin McKee: "OUCH!!!"
Don Sartori: "Quick
- where's Godzilla? Maybe he can help."
Idske Mulder: "The
real beauty comes from within. Better drink Aloe for a beautiful skin!"
Irvin Kauffman: "There
IS no 'after' shot... THAT one broke the camera!"
Mike Rothwell: "Pic
#1 with Camera ...
Pic #2 with Camera!"
Idske Mulder: "Do
you really think this sport holds water?"
not get into deep water with this!"
Kirk Lowry: "Dang.
Flipper crossed the line on that one."
Bob, Dave is set up for a wicked split on this shot. It looks like what he's
going to attempt is to utilize the currents, and a slight thermal layer, to
bounce the ball off a spot of pee left by some kid, therefore rebounding into
the second pin. That third one, well, here's the beauty... he's going to have
Irvin Kauffman: "Damp-Pins
for Duck Pinners (you can't win, the spotters don't retract!)"
of the Computer Indians"
Kirk Lowry: "Yeah.
Tech support was too slow. I took matters into my own hands.", "If
you can't beat 'em... wear 'em!"
Screen of Death, my arse!!!"
Don Sartori: "Resistance
is futile... you will be assimilated."
Idske Mulder: "As
a renowned chief he's led many important disk-ussions."
Darwin McKee: "Me
like new costume. Make all by myself. Make it out of stuff
grandson bring home from college. Can't wait for him to see it when he
back from spring break. It good to be the chief!"
Robert Mexico: "It
appears two stray timelines have fused..."
Irvin Kauffman: "Computer
Guru_Super Chief Rom Dos!"
Della Norton: "Me
Indian Chief. We grow with the times. Many headresses have been changed.", "C'mon
baby, turn me on..."
we can record history on my headdress."
H. Jerri Pittman: “I am Chief of all reasoning. Headress imputes all you need to know!”
On The Farm"
Idske Mulder: "Just
checking: Heard some grown-ups say you should taste good!"
Kirk Lowry: "Mom....
not quite done yet..."
no, no! I said the STEAK was to be rare, the bacon crispy!!!"
William Weise: "Hamming
Don Sartori: "Hmmmmm,
tastes like chicken..."
Doug Cahill: "Would
a curious Mexican (watching this kid do this) ask the question:
Jack 'Hotlanta' Byrd: "So,
it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind: Is it the
right time? Is anyone watching? Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh? Should you use some tongue? Then you lean in
and just go for it!!!"
Kaelyn Draco: "YUMMY,
Jessica Hadley: "Look
daddy, I can do it just like you!"
Charlene Donovan: "Mmmm,
Irvin Kauffman: "I'm
mommy's little Piggy!"
Darlene Johnston: "I
heard Jeff Foxworthy tell a redneck joke on, 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth
Grader' and rednecks are smart and when is it ever too early to start
Wayne Federline: "First
Kimberly Hall: "Hey
kid, aren't you a little young to be frenching?"
Della Norton: "MMMM.
This really is the other white meat."
wanted to thank you for the Easter Ham."
Frank Leal: "Now
I finally have an excuse to get out of daycare."
Ed Brantly: "How
to get swine flu"
Idske Mulder: "Gone
with the waves."
taking the wind out of his sails!"
Emily Spivey: "Oops,
I knew we forgot something!"
Karen Moore: "Ship
Wrecked - coming to a theater near you..."
Kirk Lowry: "Another
Katrina casualty...", "'The
Sands of Iwo Jima Strike Back', starring Joe Blaine."
no, no problems at all. It's a... uh... it's a new... er... playground! Yeah. A
playground. I'm really not an idiot."
Glynis Geen: "Yeah,
you can use it! Now what's the name of that BAY?"
Bethany Hinkley: "Land
Matt St.Marie: "New
John Weisenhorn: "Boat
for Sale (as is)."
Irvin Kauffman: "Gone
to Hull and not coming back! The Hull you say?"
Della Norton: "No,
it's an ocean front art museum. We call it sand art."
high tide. We give up on this ship captain."
Tom Napoli: "My
new schooner/submarine can only be seen at low tide.", "Oops
- misjudged the dock.", "It
floats like a clam.", "The
bunks are totally secure."
insurance company couldn't find any damage."
Kirk Lowry: "Okay,
take a right on Highway 207, go a ways, and we're the first house on the left.", "Honey...
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...", "Earl,
I gotta go. Can we pull over?"
I thought YOU had the tickets!!!!! Well, we can't go back now, obviously..."
Don Sartori: "What
do you mean 'pull over'? This is a one way tunnel!!!"
Idske Mulder: "Do
you really think it was wise to ask your friend to meet us half-way, Joe?"
Brendan Groeneveld: "Hello
Cliff, my name is Rescue-Hellicopter-rotor-blade... mind if I scrape your side a
John Milner: "Ok
honey, I see where we are. Take a right at the next opening."
Kaelyn Draco: "Welcome
to the highway to hell."
Jessica Hadley: "She'll
be coming around the mountain when she comes..."
Irvin Kauffman: "Can
You Hear Me Now... HELLO...?"
Della Norton: "I
sure hope the tunnel is open at the other end.", "Ok...
Now that we climbed half way up, can we hitch hike to the top from here?", "Now
I know how the great wall of china was made. The top of the Mountain fell off
the ant farm's house.", "Yes,
he said it was the short cut to heaven. That's why it is not on any map...", "What
do you mean we are going the wrong way?", "Wow,
god really makes the moles around here huge..."
said we couldn't dig a hole to China with a spoon?"
Cory Prior: "'You
know something? I think that giant cliff-face would make a great place for a
road!'... 'You're fired.'"
Phil McGinley: "Scared
of driving this road? Even the
face of God looks scared!"
“Let me guess - you didn’t update the GPS!”
Round The Clock"
Idske Mulder: "This
clock is a hoax: There's no room for joe-ks!"
Don Sartori: "I've
heard of watching the clock, but riding the clock?"
Grant Peters: "Not
quite thinking outside the box yet, but at least you're outside the circle!"
Jessica Hadley: "An
easier way of making the work day go by slower."
Bill McCall: "Sir
Cumference buys again!"
Irvin Kauffman: "The
start of the 12 hour day and the 10 day workweek!"
Alexander Rivera: "No
time for crap."
Della Norton: "This
is what happens when you call in sick too many times - they put you ON the clock
and watch you."
Cory Prior: "Humphrey
thought he was some kind of genius when he came up with his home business
interior design... but remembered how bad of an idea it was when he had no room
left in his house for anything else."
Kirk Lowry: "The
secret lives of race jockeys... Part Three.", "Yeah,
but she gets GREAT gas mileage!"
yer motor runnin... head out on the highway!"
I never win at the horse races..."
Idske Mulder: "Giving
the expression 'A Powerful Woman' a complete new dimension."
Don Sartori: "Oh,
those wacky British, and their inflatable toys."
Jessica Hadley: "Old
Irvin Kauffman: "The
Marquis de Sade Mobile, version 007 - English Gentry Peddler, illus."
Della Norton: "Is
this what they mean by riding the lightning - waiting for old sparky to hit her?"
she was the first woman to be electrocuted by her own power."
"'Say Cheese' One Last Time"
Kirk Lowry: "Okay,
everyone... on three, say
not right? Let Adobe Photoshop adjust your balance!"
Phil Forde: "
Now, if only my parachute opens when I jump backwards to get this action shot of
where I need to paint the steelwork."
Claire Lee: "
Top Down Photography"
Idske Mulder: "Now
if you would all SMILE please? What's the matter with you guys today? You're all
looking so tense!"
Jack Porcenaluk: "OK
- one of us needs to back up."
Phil McGinley: "And
again the Loch Ness Monster evades being photographed while leaving her
cove. (in the background above that Moroff's head)"
S. Zafiroff: "Turn
around to see what a vista you've been missing."
Jessica Hadley: "Should
we push Dad off and see if he can fly?"
Cory Prior: "Hey,
what if I get up there with my bag of heavy weights and take a picture of the
“I feel a really big sneeze coming on, but let me get this cool shot first...”
Karen Moore: "Honey,
I think I'll go for a ride on my motorcycle. Is it still in the garage?"
Don Sartori: "Pardon
me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?"
Kirk Lowry: "Why,
yes, we do... how did you know I've got a teenager?"
damage from Katrina: $4500 ...
Wind damage from Katrina: $7500
Looter loss/damage after Katrina: $15,000 ... Still being able to find your
brand new corvette and F150 in all the damage: Priceless ... For some things
there's Mastercard, for everything else... Therapy."
Idske Mulder: "Say
honey, when you suggested the garage would be big enough to squeeze in the
pickup truck with the sports car and the motorbike, did you mean high enough or
Phil Forde: "
Darling, you know you said we needed a bigger garage? Well, I've fixed the
problem and found we can fit at least two more cars in there. Next time just
ask. That's what a good wife's for."
Jack Porcenaluk: "You
got your F150 on my Fearri... no, YOU got your Ferrari under my F150... HEY!!!
That's how they came up with the name for the new Ferrari F50."
Phil McGinley: "After
watching the wild mating session in the neighbor's garage, Joe finally
understood how those lil SUV's are made."
Rochelle Nelson: "Once
again, Ford comes out on top."
Ron McCoy: "If
in a divorce your wife asks for the Ferrari... GIVE IT TO HER!!!"
Shawna Peterson: "I
Jessica Hadley: "'ring...
ring' Hello? Hey honey, remember when I parked your car in the garage? Well, I
kind of forgot it was in there."
Della Norton: "Honey,
do you think we are double parked?"
Tim Paul: "I'd
take a Ford over a Ferrari any day."
Rich Olszewski: "Michael
Jackson's new eye wear line makes a big hit on the Home Shopping network."
Kirk Lowry: "Later,
at the 'Low-Budget Trekkie Convention'....", "Special-effects
man, Harlan Morelli, is fired after his assistant comes up with a better-looking
'Jordi LaForge' outfit.", "Mom....
Dad's been at the welder again!" & "Pssst...
wait'll he finds out the JB Weld wasn't quite dry before he put em on...!"
Idske Mulder: "'This
was not what I meant when I ordered those bar-glasses', the bartender said." & "This
guy must be very wealthy: He was born with a silver spoon... on his nose and two
silver forks on his eyes?"
Dave Hurst: "'Sadly,
another innocent bystander of the great Campbell's Soup 'Fork/Spoon' fight
succumbs to the pressure."
Jessica Hadley: "The
hungry man's fashionable face-wear!"
Tom Napoli: "Oka
booka! (take me to your leader or I will fork you to death!)"
Cheryl Painter: "And
the forks ran away with the spoon.", "Fork
your eyes only..."
fork do I use first again?"
Irvin Kauffman: "Sunglasses
for Eating Out (and you'll Fork Out for this pair)"
Della Norton: "Finally,
just what we needed - a pair of glasses we can wash in the dishwasher.", "The
first type of steel armor worn in 1818.", "A
new meaning to playing with your fork could poke your eye out." & "All
fun and games till you poke your eye out."
Cory Prior: "Daryll
loved his eye-protecting dinglehoppers, they're the security he needed for his
fragile sea-eyes to ditch his mermaid fins and come ashore."
“The new look for fans of the Kansas City Chiefs!”
Idske Mulder: "One
of those swings you'll never forget..."
Kirk Lowry: "Pull!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "Hey,
Edna... Ah think Ah found a way 'round our busted windmill..."
the fun of a gerbil cage, without the allergies!"
Phil McGinley: "Six
Flags over Georgia, "The early years"."
photo of Design engineers from the shallow end of the gene pool."
Jessica Hadley: "Yeeehaaaa!!!
Yeah, this is fun... I think I'm gonna be sick."
you think the swing is something special, you should have seen the popsicles."
Della Norton: "So
this is what they did with the first wheel the cavemen made." & "Look
Ma - the very first ferris wheel..."
“This here is GENUINE Astroknots in training for NASSER.”
Kirk Lowry: "Plagarism
at its worst...", "New
way to 'Beat the Crowds' this holiday season." & "Finally,
the secret to how Francine always seemed to have the latest fashions on a
mail-room-clerk-budget was out..."
Idske Mulder: "The
office never understood how they got such a high copying bill, and from a
Jessica Hadley: "Christmas
shopping at work with a push of a button!"
Tom Napoli: "Can't
believe what these new machines will do. Just add a little soap and water - the
clothes come out fresh and new."
Irvin Kauffman: "Returns...?
Scott Kovalik: "When
housewives return to work."
Della Norton: "Office
Party!? Office Party!? What ever shall I wear? No problem, we have the office
shopper. At a click of a button your fashions are ready to wear hot off the
Kirk Lowry: "Well,
I'll be a horse's ***" & "Today,
we explore the perils of trying to get into a college fraternity..."
Idske Mulder: "How
to tell if someone's husband is a headhunter."
Jack Byrd: "Does
horse poop relieve an obviously Stiff Neck?"
Cheryl Painter: "A
Della Norton: "Does
this Hat make me look funny?" & "This
is my lucky hat we won the derby 5 times in a row now!"
Cory Prior: "And
they called it a pony tail ever after..."
“If just ONE more S.O.B. asks me if I know what is under a horse's tail...”
I Lost My Job..."
Kirk Lowry: "Hello,
Monster.com?", "Oops...", "Gonna
be awhile? Grab a Snickers!", "Hey,
boss... I'm gonna be a little late this mornin...", "Frikkin
women drivers..." & "Hey,
Bob. How's the wife and kids? Stock market doin okay? That's good! Hey, speakin
of stocks... I'd like you to dump all my shares of Ace Auto and Freight, 'kay?
Yeah, I know... just call it a hunch."
Idske Mulder: "The
good news is we arrived at the other side! Yes, yes, I'm ashore! By the way, I
don't think I'll be able to sell those cars over here... Do you want me to dump
them for you?"
Greg Hobson: "Hey,
Bob, if you're still doing that liquidation sale next month, I have some
merchandise you just might be interested in."
Tom Napoli: "Yea,
sure we have room for a couple more!"
Kelly Molinaro: "So
THAT's what the red button does!"
David Boggs: "I
think I'll call in sick now."
Irvin Kauffman: "Honestly,
if it weren't for one car facing the wrong way with the sunroof open, we
wouldn't have taken on any water during that sudden storm!"
brochure stated scenic views with plenty of beachfront parking..."
Johan Maree: "Yes,
I have one with a sunroof - two, actually."
Jay Brooks: "Hey
Hon, guess what - I just found out who hired that Exxon captain!"
Della Norton: "Yes
Sir, I am having them cleaned as we speak. They will be ready soon.", "I
told you it couldn't hold one more car... I told you... You never listen..." & "Man
on Phone: 'Yeah, I parked your car down by the river side'."
Cory Prior: "That's
right, boss, I am definitely not at work right now. I went on vacation - you
just don't remember... I might look for like a temp job or something while I'm
out here. Ok, bye."
“Hi DJ Auto Valeting, you work 24/7? Yea... You got availability on your night shift?” & “I hate out of town fishing competitions, I never get a good spot!”
Kirk Lowry: "Cold!
My tag specifically said 'dry cleaning only'!", "No
no no no no!!! I'm not done reading the label!!! Noooooooooo!!!" & "You
will die... you will die... you will die... you will die... you will die..."
Verne McNew: "No!
Not the water torture again... Heeeeelp!!!"
Idske Mulder: "No
please, no more lessons! I can swim! And I'm also very good at holding on to
faucets! Stop this!"
Mike Trimble: "I
want a shower - I hate baths!"
Ric Mossip: "Finally,
after eight lives and countless years of research over many a rocky road... I
found the Incan Brass Faucet of Respite! Nothing can stop me meeeeooooowww!!!", "Stop,
stop stop!!! I'll pee in your sock drawer for this!!!" & "Gawd
no!!! It's happening again... years ago they tried to teach me to swim... I had
a heck of a time getting out of that gunny sack!"
Savanah Sheffield: "Ok,
if this is my last minute to live I want to say... What did I do wrong?"
Phil Forde: "Now
hold me tight while I try to turn the tap back on - I missed behind my left ear!"
Helen McTroy: "I
told you, I want to swim another lap!" & "This
over-the-water yoga position you came up with sucks."
Tom Napoli: "Meoooow!
I swear, won't chase the mice thru those skinny pipes again."
Irvin Kauffman: "Yours
Is Coming, overnight - in your slippers!"
Todd McNeely: "OK,
how long is this drip dry thing supposed to last?"
Della Norton: "Now
I know why Jesus walked on the water!", "Please
Mom, don't do this to me. I might develop a stutter FFF...FFF...FFFFFor Crying
out looooouuuuudddddd." & "Nope
I won't go. You said bath time was lots of fun. It isn't, there is no rubber
duckie, you lied."
Scott Kovalik: "Let
Terry Fiedor: "Come
on... just ONE more sip of water!"
"Christmas Present for Naughty Kids"
Idske Mulder: "Why
do you need to get things square this way?"
Ric Mossip: "Bwaaaaaaaaaa,
last year a s-- square---uare basket ball... n- no--- ow thi--- i-- is..." & "I
think I have a flat..."
Tom Napoli: "Waaaaaaaaa,
Mommy and Daddy are such squares. I just wanted to go around the block."
Irvin Kauffman: "AAAhh!
I WON'T RIDE IN THE STREET, I won't ride in the
streetiwontrideinthestreetiwontri..." & "ONE
HUNDRED! ONE... HUN... DRED!"
Hannah Haugen: "Do
you want to know why you need to be good all year? Because Santa is giving
something other than coal to naughty kids this year!"
Cory Prior: "What? He said he likes both squares and bicycles! I was just trying to make all his dreams come true."
G. Ralph Hammerl: “Made from round peg in square hole”
Ric Mossip: "Ok...
listen Duck... we're in a bind. Here's the plan: First we wait 'til they fall
asleep... then we...", "Not
THIS babysitter again!" & "Sorry
Mommy... Duckie and I promise not to touch the Christmas tree again."
Kirk Lowry: "Somewhere
in the not-too-distant future, a therapist gleefully begins rubbing his hands...", "So,
did BettySue behave for ya tonight, Unca' Fred?", "MaryJane,
we couldn't afford that little swingset y'all wanted to get for BettySue for
Christmas...so we gotcha some duct tape instead. Hours of fun, and practical
too!" & "You
will all pay for this indignity...I swear on my yellow ducky, You. Will. Pay."
Idske Mulder: "We're
always sticking together, Chicken and I!" & "Hon',
do you know where the baby's hanging out?"
David Bailey: "Hey
honey! We're ready to go away on our second honeymoon now!"
Tom Napoli: "Yes,
our children always stick close to us, no matter what."
Jay Crook: "My
big brother thinks he's Spiderman!"
Laura Steffee: "Okay,
We got Ducked!"
Irvin Kauffman: "Official
Evidentiary RMP Photo #1040."
Rick Brennecke: "I
guess I shouldn't have played with the tools in Daddy's toolbox..."
Steven Hayes: "This
is what happens when you spill Daddy's (aka Bubba's) last beer."
Kimberly Hall: "Don't
worry duck, we only have to stay up here until we dry out from our bath, then
they'll let us down." & "Don't
worry duck, I'll save you!"
Paul Bottel: "Make
a note ducky. Tomorrow we hide the duct tape and the staple gun in diapers. Mom
thinks she's so smart. I'll show her who the smart one is!"
Ric Mossip: "No,
Really... I'm a certified electrician!", "Errr,
I just popped in for a byte..." & "I
heard they were looking to replace the old mouse..."
Don Sartori: "No,
dammit. The mouse is for the PC!"
Tom Napoli: "Yo!
What do you mean you hear a squeak, in the computer?"
Kirk Lowry: "Uhhh...
Houston... we got a problem...", "Uhhh...
Microsoft, my mouse isn't working like you said it would...." & "Hey,
I think I found why the server keeps defaulting to the 'Kraft' website..."
Idske Mulder: "Better
let the computer chew on it, and NOT the mouse!"
Lynne Wetherell: "Hey,
shut the door! Can't a guy have any privacy? Sheesh!"
Irvin Kauffman: "Squeaky
clean and I don't see any firewire here?"
Peter Buitenhek: "Looks
like the CAT(5) isn't doing its job."
Ric Mossip: "Yeah,
that's it... three quarters, two dimes and a nickel...", "And
you are going to bill me for this quote for the plumbing assessment?" & "Yes,
THAT's them... a plaid pair of pants, and a maroon shirt... I can't understand
why my wife would throw them DOWN THERE... while I was catching some rays on the
Kirk Lowry: "Don't
I found your clog... now all I have to CRAP!!! MY KEYS!!!", "Hey...
do you remember that scene from 'Star Wars' when they're in the trash compactor
with that tentacle creature? Funny thing...", "So
the Cowboys lost (again)!!! Its not the end of the world!" & "Hey...
I think I found Romo's career down here!!! Right next to Britney Spears'
Idske Mulder: "Next
time Mom and you will bring your money to the bank like everybody else!"
Remo Six: "It's
too dark, I can't see crap down here!"
Andrew Wright: "Yousa'
sir, are in deep do do!"
John Ozley: "I
know my teeth are in there somewhere..."
Mark Prairie: "I
can see the U.S. border from here!"
Bill Gardiner: "Please
don't let go..." & "I
told you were a potty mouth but I didn't mean it literally!"
Irvin Kauffman: "Take
that ring off again and you'll get it!"
Dave Ward: "I
wasn't going to worry about losing a dime, but for 17 cents..."
searching the place top to bottom, Clyde and Earl later laughed about how the
box of matches was sitting on the shelf right in front of them the whole time."
Rick Brennecke: "OK,
I won't tell your wife about your affair."
James Santos: "Just
call a plumber!!!"
Tommy Gault: "Can
You Reach That Candy Bar Yet?"
Jon Varley: "Bill
wondered why he had stepped in to stop Eddie doing his dung beetle impression -
it was too late now, the smell was killing the dinner party."
Emily Wilson: "Old
Charles Brooks: "Hey
it's my turn and I can't wait!"
Glenn Hanna: "This
is how 'swirly's' were done centuries ago."
David Dardzinski: "Remember,
you can't bite your fingernails ever again!" & "This
will stop your fingernail biting."
Tim Paul: "C'mon
son, get your head out of the toilet."
Dustin Young: "Check out the new odour eater!"
“Dad is a hero! Drops everything - even his pants - and saves son from sewercide!”
Sheila Roddy: "Chinese
SUVs get great gas mileage!" & "You
can find rednecks EVERYWHERE!"
Kirk Lowry: "Is
there a problem, officer?", "Yeah,
I know, but hey, at least I can see over all those dang SUV's!!!", "Yet
another reason why friends don't let friends drink. Period." & "Today,
former CEO of 'Erector-Sets, Inc' came out of retirement for a short period..."
Idske Mulder: "What
do you mean 'My cart doesn't have any horses'? I'm sitting on them!"
Don Sartori: "2
Wong's don't make it right. But, 3 rights make a left."
Robert Doney: "Sum
Ting Wong Officer?" & "Clark
W. Griswold's new RV for an Asian Family Vacation."
Dave Quinn: "Tokyo
Irvin Kauffman: "Passenger
wheel flat... wait for Car Club Come!"
Don Roberts: "Yeah,
but do you think he realizes he has a flat tire?"
Tommy Gault: "Asian
Square Meal A Day"
Rhiannyn Grahame: "Are
you SURE these aren't really candles?"
Beth Watts: "How
many cubic feet of melon you want?" & "How
many square melons can you fit in one basket?"
Kirk Lowry: "To
bolster is sagging economy, Russia introduces their new Chernobylmelon..", "From
the maker of 'fish sticks', those strange square fish, comes 'Melon Block'..." & "Lego
introduces its new health-food line..."
Idske Mulder: "How
were these cube melons developed? By using cube roots of course!" & "Superfluous
amount of Japanese watermelons being exported since TV course 'How to grow your
own bonsai-fruit' became a hype."
Michael Hack: "Building
blocks to a healthy lifestyle."
Jeremy Sellers: "Germany
has finally allowed imported melons, on one condition."
Tom Warner: "Bill
Gates' answer to the Mac Apple!"
Paul Bottel: "Sure
square melons are kinda cool, but if your not going to make them seedless, why
Up In The World"
Kirk Lowry: "Moving
Up the Corporate Ladder: The Truth Revealed! Tonight, on your 9 o'clock news...", "Harry
Houdini... the early years..." & "Mental
note... switch coffee."
Idske Mulder: "Our
innovative staircase hardly takes up any room in the house!" & "Just
trying to watch where I'm going..."
Neil Tosczak: "Suddenly
Joe realized that the two man re-enactment of Alice In Wonderland had gone to
always said you wanted a walk-in closet.", "Why
not let our helpful home improvement team build your dream room? Our prices are
very reasonable and we're skilled professionals.", "Watch
out for the last step." & "And
you wanted to hire a contractor..."
Lisa Redding: "John
8:21 Where I go you cannot come."
Mark Prairie: "Security
cameras catch identically dressed twins making off with rare Joe DeFrinci
'Ascending' masterpiece. 'They left nothing but a blank wall, they even took the
nail,' say Police."
Della Norton: "See,
I told you this was the newest in secret hidden walls.", "I
knew the books in the prison would show how to escape.", "Do
you think they will see where we escaped from?" & "Hurry
up Joe, I hear someone coming..."
Ric Mossip: "See
fellas? Like I told you. Those opposable thumbs work magic - just LOOK at those
skipper, same as last time. You know, cod roll ups - this time hold the wasabe
sauce. Last time the 'ol afterburners kicked in... Big Time!" & "Booth
number 8 on Peir 3... Finest seafood on the coast - our clients can attest that
we serve nothing but the finest. Come early to beat the line ups!"
Kirk Lowry: "Yeah...
this job's for the birds.", "Hey,
at least the homeowner's association doesn't complain about the pink plastic
flamingos anymore!" & "Found
Idske Mulder: "Why
wait for fishing information when you can just wait for the fish?"
Douglas Rahn: "What
do you mean you're out of herring?"
Jon Snider: "Should
we ask him what he does with all the good parts... of the fish?"
Will Nelken: "Carl's
Irvin Kauffman: "Wait,
just hold on... the heron's going in to scuttle his boat!"
Paul Bottel: "What
do you mean is the fish fresh! Of course it's fresh! Stupid bird!"
Della Norton: "We
would like to know when is the next boat leaving? How Much is it for a ticket?
What time of day do the fish bite best?", "Can
we taste test your fish for freshness? How many of us can ride on the next ship?" & "Excuse
me Sir. We were told you were hiring good fisherman - we are the best for the
job. When can we start? Will work for fish."
Karen Moore: "Computer
Geeks find new way to let you down..."
Roger Sandri: "Downloading..."
David Bailey: "The
brother of the I-pod, the I-Poo!"
Idske Mulder: "Facing
the music on your daily pursuits..."
Ric Mossip: "It
also includes a 'purge feature' after those wild parties, soft seat in which you
place your forehead, and large display, easy to reach 'Fast Forward' button by
your left cheek (FACE cheek)... and speed right through the misery.
Although the 'Rewind - feature' is often neglected." & "It's
today's latest... in Plug 'n Play devices..."
Greg Kerr: "WARNING!
DO NOT UPLOAD!!!"
Rich Hayes: "Press
Button To Sync With Sewer Department."
Barry K, The Big Kahuna: "I
hope it doesn't 'download' in the middle of an 'upload'... if the batteries go
had much faith in these kinda things. Like they say '...Garbage In - Garbage
there's been 'nothing but crap' on the darned thing!", "Sure,
I'm all for it... JUST AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T RECORD AND UPLOAD THE NOISES 'iMAKE'...!", "Yes,
but if I forget, will it put the lid back down for me...?", "I
bought one just last month actually... But, ...found out the hard way, water
damage isn't covered under their warranty...", "...if
you build a better iCRAPPER, the world will beat a path to your 'iPOTTIE'!", "Dang
! Sure hope the Government doesn't get involved in this one... we already get
enough 'iCRAP' from them..." & "What...?!
They didn't include an iPHONE ?! Then does it come with an iFAN?"
Mark Prairie: "The
joke here is the paper retracts into the wall when you
off", due to a malicious program."
Brad Tutton: "iFlush"
Ricky Crespo: "Maybe
if they put these toilets in schools then us kids might be more motivated to
Irvin Kauffman: "Rule
Number 2: Lacking printer paper, user becomes cursor."
Kelly Buckel: "iTolite"
Mrs Brown: "What's
your IP address? Translation: Where's your loo?"