Do It With
51. "Mennonite Longhand Math"
answer is 4.76235930 mathematicians to screw in a light bulb."
guys, this is supposed to be a simple BARN RAISING - why did we have to get
David Hofer involved?",
Mr. Einstein... I guess there IS a reason why men forget to put the toilet seat
I'm sorry son, I know this new math is a bit more complicated than I remember
from my grade one class... go ask your Mother."
you thought making Mennonite farmer sausage was simple?"
God said, (insert image) and there was LIGHT!"
Government's new and easy method to figure your taxes: If this is too
complicated use the Easy Easy form, OR just send us the remainder of your wages."
th... DANGIT! Forgot to carry the three...",
phone bill made simple."
Brother, the barn is now mathematically perfect... but you forgot to factor in
then a miracle occurred..."
hope you remember this. There'll be a quiz later on."
Tom Wilson: "So
you see Mr. President, if we just collected on all the unpaid IRS debt... WE'D
BE SCOTT FREE!"
Bill Popp: "And
there you have it. How to make a woman happy."
FM MO: "Did
you understand, or shall I repeat?"
thing we used word wrap or who knows how long it would have been until we
discovered the answer!"
D. K. Browne:
there you have it. Proof that 1+1 does indeed equal 3! Er, wait a minute... OH
you explain this math in more detail - I got lost when you said that this
problem was going to be easy..."
only he brought his calculator."
52. "Seismic Support for Polish Buildings"
Ric Mossip: "Yeah
Ted, I knew it was a mistake to get Junior that new electric guitar...", "Oh,
Absolutely Mr. McFinkerstein... It's up to code! And might I add, it's a steal
of a deal at twice the price!"
the plumber WAS an older fellow... insisted on using wooden pipes. Why do you
Darwin McKee: "Looks
like another fine job of this old house with Bob Villa."
Kirk Lowry: "Yup,
my mom made chili for dinner last night, too... why do you ask?"
look at that house, Dear - it must be low budget round here."
it's called OBESITY."
Ron Wells: FEMA: "What
is the problem here? This home looks perfectly fine."
From HG TV: "Let's
see ya flip this house!"
Terry Mossip: "What
do you mean, you're keeping my damage deposit? I repaired it!"
Linda Newman: "FOR
RENT. No pets allowed. Termites welcome."
Bicycle Boot For Two"
Kirk Lowry: "But
honey, technically this DOES qualify as jogging...!", "...
giving Lance Armstrong the boot ..."
I just got tired of changing tires all the time."
Phoebe Moll: "Eat
your heart out, Lance!"
Ric Mossip: "Bumpy
ride?... nah.... I'm Jellin..."
are YOU laughing at buddy... NIKE pays me $200.00 a week to ride this flippin'
Christine Pomerleau: "In
of Terry Fox-Canada's Hero for Cancer Research..."
miniature Terry Fox's..."
Cory Prior: "Hey,
at least I didn't buy wheels for feet."
Malcolm Fellows: "I
don't just knock em over - I trample 'em to death."
Andy Wilson: "What
do you mean the left one's flat?"
Robert Merrill: "These
boots were made for walking... (Nancy Sinatra song)"
Matt Anon: "The
World's First Walking Bicycle!"
Ron Wells: "Just
before Bob took a tumble someone shouted "One of your shoe laces are untied."
Artur Melkumov: "Feet
feet feet feet. How many feet you need. Here comes wheel feet."
McCuil Wyman: "A
most soulful experience."
Bianca Skvirsky: "...
five thousand two hunderd seventy EIGHT, five thousand two hunderd seventy
NINE... See! I told you there are only 5279 feet in a mile!", "According
to my calculations if I just add one more shoe, I'll be moving the speed of
is nothing! You should see Imelda Marcos' Ten-speed bicycle!"
Your Son Home For The Holidays"
male - not so small package!"
Robby Robinson: "You've
Kirk Lowry: "Today
we shall test the innovative new approach to long-distance dating..."
$100... Haircut: nonexistent... Getting your son to go
to summer camp: $1.85... There are some things money can't (or
won't) buy, for everything else... just keep adding stamps."
Darwin McKee: "It's
never a good idea to inform your recently retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant dad ,
that you don't need to cut your hair, follow orders, and you will live here as
long as you want."
stop San Diego."
Joy Morgan: "Send
your overseas Christmas male early."
Ron Wells: "Jack
and Lucile figured out how to get their 26 year old son to move out of the
Marvin Purser: "If
she says, 'Yes!', expect another delivery..."
Ric Mossip: "Yo
dawg... I just throw a Slim Shady CD in, and with the bass reflex drive goin'
on... I'll pass a Masarati!", "Pimpin'
my RIDE!", "Yeah,
I bought this sick sound system, now just savin' up for a car to put it into..."
be laughin' at me Foo... Chick's dig this!"
Gary "1artworkz" Molitor: "What
won't be herd in New Orleans this week."
Cory Prior: "LaBron
loved to do water gun drive-by's."
Gabby Pierce: "Nah'
man... Ise nevah in Lancaster, Pa."
Ron Wells: "Every
white kid in the suburbs will want one now."
high on the hog in our new FEMA provided livin' quarters! Now, if they'd only
send us some dang grits."
what ever'one's complainin' 'bout... MY house didn' flood...",
Bertha Mae, its yer turn ta peddle!"
had to trade the satellite receiver in for a set of bunny-ears. The bunny
doesn't sink the house."
didn't have enough money to buy a new Airstream trailer... So I found a new
trailer company in Arkansas... I'm now the proud owner of a brand new
Real South Gawga Rednecks deal with High Water..."
All the comforts of home, just on water... No flat tires to deal with... Fishin
ain't bad, either... Cold Beer... Perfect..."
gas gets too high, rent a Redneck water trailer..."
when you suggested a houseboat cruise, this wasn't quite what I was expecting.",
SALE: Vacation home. Right on the water. Ideal spot for fishing and swimming."
goes the neighbourhood."
phone, no pool, no pets."
without a spare!"
Linda Newman: "Redneck
Ron McCoy: "In
a freak twist of fate this man was arrested today for property tax evasion and
fleeing the scene of a crime... Full story at 11."
was the most expensive one that I could find - I'm still in debt after 10 years
and it cost me a whole $1!"
Wok - Don't Run!"
Darwin McKee: "Next
time you say we should take the scenic route, make sure there isn't this much
scenery - and I don't want to hear again, are we having fun yet..."
Kirk Lowry: "And
here we see a perfect example of the effectiveness of the Democratic Party Aid
mean, watch my steAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........................*splash*"
Nik Keun: "Last
one over brings the wood for the barbie!"
Irvin Kauffman: "Are
we there yet???!!!"
L.B. Scott: "Dad,
I really do have to go to the bathroom!"
like a man - never asks for directions!"
Joe Lebowitz: "Monkey
see, Monkey do."
Brian Smedley: "So
it's a long walk. Quit complaining, cry me a river, build me a bridge and get
D. K. Browne:
Michael Jackson dangles his baby over a balcony... and now this!"
House - One Man's Treasure"
Kirk Lowry: "Dangit,
Ethel, Herb and Thelma put out that tacky plastic Santa again this year!"
Erglemyer... the world's greatest (undiscovered) home decorator."
Alice Ashworth: "All
this is just a camouflage so they won't notice the Marijuana growing in the
Darwin McKee: "You
can take the Cajun out of Louisiana, but you can't take the Louisiana out of the
Mike Foland: "I'm
doin' sumptin wrong. I only made .43 cents from muh porch sale this week."
Gene Davidson: "What's
an E Bay?"
Ron Wells: "Honey
bring me another beer, I feel inspired to add to my art work."
Krista Carney: "Lean
on me, when you're not strong..."
(from the song)
L.B. Scott: "The
new Fred Sanford... moving on up."
Linda Newman: "Martha
Stewart's new kitchen."
D. K. Browne:
man's trash is INDEED another man's treasure! Mama was right!"
Tom Napoli: "Are
you sure this is how Sam Walton started out?"
Support - 'Back' Up Plan"
Mom... I don't care what you say, this 'standing on your own' thing is for the
next generation of Democrat: continually demanding support from those below
without ever looking back, while still unable to make any sort of progress
unless pulled from above... and their momma's dress them funny, too."
what do you expect Mom? I'm still using my sea legs from that nine month tummy
cruise I was on."
land legs still need a little help."
you must be the worst mother in the world if our puppies' are the ones having to
teach me how to stand."
Ron Wells: "Puppy
Idske Mulder: "I'm
glad the dogs haven't gone, or this would be doggone difficult!"
- ush, Breathe, Pu - ush, Breathe, IT'S NO USE... it won't go back in!"
Linda Newman: "Sea
Tony Holt: "RETREAT!"
Terrier vs. Porcupine: Quill He Make It?"
Kirk Lowry: "Oh,
here's Roscoe! Hey, buddy! Looks like you made a new pin-pal!"
this is my dog Roscoe... careful, he's got a really prickly temperament."
Cory Prior: "Honey,
why is there a dog coming out of that porcupine?"
Ron Wells: "I
got the point."
L.B. Scott: "...
and Pit Bulls get all of the bad press."
Melissa Miller: "Why
you should never try acupuncture on your dog without a veterinarian present."
Improved! Self agitating scouring pad!"
Leon Beatham Moore: "After
a night out on the tequilla, Spike couldn't pinpoint when this happened..."
Linda Newman: "Making
a statement: Next time eat a shoe."
Ron McCoy: "The
cat told me curiosity never hurt anyone. Now ask me how many lives he will have
left after I find him!"
Chris Schenck: "Now
that I've taught that spikey guy a lesson, I am going to fix the black critter
with the white stripe that lives under the porch."
D. K. Browne:
time? Are you kidding me?!"
you should have seen the porcupine!"
Wear - Sneaker Powered"
Kirk Lowry: "Its
got CD, DVD, subwoofer (the other shoe); AM/FM/XM radio, Ham radio, CB; CD-R/RW
compatability; 45-minute anti-skip; plays mp3, wmp, mpg, avi, and 38 other
musical file types; it... what? Whaddya mean, how do you get your foot in... oh,
Tim Smith: "This
brings a whole new meaning to the term 'reboot'."
Cory Prior: "I
wonder why there's a crack in my CD?"
Ric Mossip: "Wow,
excellent features... but what does it 'run' on?"
Matt Anon: "Feet
Irvin Kauffman: "iPed"
Made in CCCP"
Kati Sharpe: "The
Tennis Shoe that Wore Computers."
based on the movie "The
Computer Who Wore Tennis Shoes"
Patty Quesenberry: "A
shoe in for best compact of the year!"
Entertainment For The Farm"
I've got Dish too, but the reception is just crap."
proof that today's television morals are going down the crapper."
most appropriate place to watch TV."
What do you get when the 18th century meets the 21st century?
I dropped the remote down the hole... Be a dear and fetch it for me?", "Ok
Mate, I got the cheetos, the beer and nose plugs... the women will never suspect
we're watching the football game out here!",
you remember to pay the mortgage I asked... and you said you did... but you
didn't! If we could afford a dog house... you'd STILL be living in here!", "In
the old days we'd wipe with pages from the Sears catalogue - Now all I have is
this bloody remote!" & "Some
guys read magazines while 'doing their business'... and well, others have
only place where TV relates to your surrounding area, just don't look down...
something better will be on view and spoil the TV program."
Irvin Kauffman: "Sat-A-Lot
Steven Wilson: "The
Tim Taylor Redneck Bathroom."
Tony Holt: "Highly
advanced Amish toilet."
Rickie Messer: "I
don't like the TV in the basement."
Tom Napoli: "Time
share with cable - it didn't look like this in the brochure."
Art or Cabinet Decision?"
antique desks: $30,000... 738 gallons of industrial strength adhesive: $5800...
10x10 yard plot in a public park: $3850/month ... Building a piece of jun... er...
art that nobody will ever look at: Priceless. There are some things that money
can buy... for everything else, there's Government Grants."
bad news is, the police haven't made much headway in finding and
recovering your stolen possessions. The good news is, they DID manage to
find your dresser."
Jenga is the game when wood blocks are put together like the picture... and each
player must remove a piece... when it falls ... everyone yells Jenga!
damn, now where did I leave my shirt???"
to the huge financial loses from 9-11 and two large Hurricanes, the
World Trade Center will have to be rebuilt with individual donations."
memory of a cabinet minister. R.I.P."
to be assimilated, resistance is futile!"
could you fetch the plates out of the cupboard please?"
1st Mobile Camper"
Stella, there goes the neighborhood... looks like the Clampett's are moving in
next door." &
the early years."
Jethro, Go and fetch Granny and Ellie Mae. We're a gonna show our kin folk our
fancy new camper."
know you're shy, and want to preserve your modesty Mary Ellen, but all this,
just to step out of the car, is really going too far!"
was NOT one of Henry Ford's good innovations."
it Jethro, I told you to set the camper up by the cement pond."
Joe La Rosa:
first KKK Kamper"
Real Meal Deal"
At the new Crappy Chef Restaurant we take care of you coming and
Real E. Grosse:
you can choose your favourite stool!"
to Bob's Kimchee, Burrito and Stuffed Jalapeno House, the sure-fire way to clear
your pipes!" &
Stereotypical Chinese Buffet now offers the crappiest food in China!"
when you order takeout... don't ask for a 'bowl' of rice...", "Just
so long as when you flush, it doesn't go back to the kitchen!" & "Yes,
as a matter of fact we DID get a good deal on the furniture when we renovated...
why do you ask?"
or To Go?", "Convenient
Take-Outs" , "Fresh
Flush Restaurant" & "Our
Food Slides Right Through You"
to John's Diner."
is thrown away - all recycled...", "Unknown
recipe, taste at your own risk..." & "Fresh
right from the source - you never know what you're eating until you bite into
H. Bob Klatinski: "A new meaning to the term 'Fast Foods.' "
everyone goes for the Number Two."
Irvin Kauffman: "'Finger-Lickin'
GOOD! Okay... where are the napkins hanging?"
Kathleen Fletcher Standridge: "Tub
Lu (as in loo :) )", "The
proving yet again they're one step ahead of Americans.", "Bubba
would be proud!" & "Leave
it to the Asians to make the world a better place..."
Closet Restaurant" & "Fast
Food (Digesting) Restaurant"
Tom Napoli: "Psssst,
make sure you don't ask for number 1 or 2."
Katrina money allows us to now live in Southern France and have our own nice
jungle jim for the our kids to play on! Thank you USA taxpayers!"
rebuild Lake Ponchatrain Bridge in Louisiana, this time planning in advance for
the next hurricane...." & "Okay,
honey, the flat is changed. Now, I put the car keys... on the railing... over
Signs at Bridge Entry: "Speed
limit has been increased to 250 kms. Juuuust in case.", "Please
note, in case of breakdown on bridge, parachutes are available at every pylon.", "Due
to past problems, sight seeing is no longer allowed. Drivers must wear blinders." & "Absolutely
NO bungee jumping allowed."
of world's second highest bridge from world's highest bridge."
French have just completed their new escape route, just in case the Germans
decide to get frisky again and invade. It will also give easy access for the
United States to enter and once again run them out."
sure France greatly benefits economically by building this bridge. Their panty
selling stores must of had a tremendous boost in sales! I sure hope they built a
panty store at either end for the people that are just finishing their 'panty
filling' experience of crossing that bridge!"
left when you see the little bridge."
Ron Wells: "This
Bridge Work helped to create the largest smile."
Irvin Kauffman: "No
Gaye Ingram: "They
removed the red towers???"
crack...crack...snap Engineer: "What's
that sound?" ... "ohhhhhh cccrrrraaaaappppp..."
Donna Faye: "Mommy
are we there yet? Mommy are we there yet? Mommy are we there yet? Mommy are we
there yet?" & "Hey
dude, pull over - I feel an urge to pee off the side."
Tony Holt: "Is
that duct tape or am I just seeing things?"
Ledon Orbiso: "Pilot's
and Moustache Championship"
place to store a few crumbs from lunch for an afternoon snack!"
it looks cool... BUT I CAN'T TURN MY FRIGGIN HEAD!!!", "And
this, little Bobby, is why you should wait until Grandma's done with the mixer
before trying to swipe cookie dough.", "When
Prozak goes bad..." & "Maybe
he's born with it... maybe its Mayballine!"
can't fool us Mr. Joe Defries. You're using this disguise so you can go trick or
treat with the grand kids!"
his hairdresser knows for sure."
need a coat rack?"
I bet you show that to all the girls!",
WHAT? You wanna tickle my fancy?!?"
gotta great right hook!"
I'm never listening to that weather report again."
gotta stop eating all that curled macaroni."
dazed after the collision with the igloo, Pete the Polar Bear searches for
his joystick-controlled saucer sled."
there goes the neighborhood for sure.", "These
new prefab Igloo condos are just popping up everywhere." & "Not
only that - these new Yuppie Eskimos are just not as tasty as they used to be."
my favorite!!! Crunchy on the outside, yet pleasantly warm and chewy on the
hey, Fred, isn't it YOUR turn to check the mail?" & "Dang...
NO Klondike bar is worth this, satellite or not!"
lunch tray igloos resist polar bear break-ins."
Ron Wells: Bear: "I
wonder if they are watching the Animal Planet?"
Linda Newman: "Smile
- you're on candid camera!"
always nice to have somewhere to keep ones ears warm in the winter."
Valley plastic surgeons have recently announced a revolutionary breakthrough in
car safety... the new 'Chest Bags' can save your steering wheel's life!
Prices may vary according to size and firmness." & "And
we used to worry about little old ladies who couldn't see over their
steering wheels while driving!"
new models of our Boobaroo cars come with Transportable Individual
Trauma Termination Impractical Emergency Systems (TITTIES) with nose crease,
neck, & ear support. Also, these air bags not only protect you in the car, they
protect you everywhere you go.*"
*Disclaimer: TITTIES has been know to
cause lower back pain. Boobaroo, its parent company Breasts Unlimited, or any of
its subsidiaries are not
responsible for any back problems associated in any way to this product.
immigrants are forever finding new ways to sneak into the country. Unfortunately
this latest method resulted in 5,000 dead by suffocation."
headlines - women have found another way to cut down on the milkman's bills by
the artificial expansion of their titties . this has resulted in several car
crashes where the women are complaining they couldn't see - yet another reason
why women are the worst drivers."
not paying for these!!!"
has soft, absorbent walls for safety... TOYOTA offers these..."
I hate it when the Mae West goes off when I park!"
Brian Smedley: "Denise
Weaver Stars in Steven Speilberg's 'Dual'... Twice the action of the
original, the Peterbilt truck Sets more booby traps for her. Will she make
that appointment on time, or will she stop at Chuck's Cafe for a cheese sandwich
Linda Newman: "Dairy
cup runneth over.", "Are
they insured?", "She
is built like no-'udder'." & "Udder
My neck... my face - I'm being swallowed alive!"
Elizabeth Watts: "Do
you have to feed those things once or twice a day?" & "Woman
died from starvation, couldn't get her mouth open wide enough, since boobs were
in her way off opening her mouth!"
Rickie Messer: "I
shouldn't tell lies." & "Now
show me yours."
D. K. Browne:
as it was having the ass of her siamese twin fused to her chest, it came in
handy today by serving as a make-shift airbag that saved her life when an 18
wheeler ran a stop light and hit her head on."
You Do This?"
what do you think you're looking at? Haven't you ever seen a Navy Frogman?"
when your Mom told you if you made that face long enough, it'd freeze that way
for the rest of your life? Well... unfortunately... she's calling to say 'toldja
so'." & "E.T...
my eyelashes reversed. Damned Photoshop!"
like to watch what I eat."
sight for sore eyes." & "Eye
the Rubber Man couldn't believe his eyes when the woman walked by in a thong."
Ron Wells: "I
will keep an eye for you."
Brian Smedley: "OK
Mom, I know I've got Dad's eyes. Here! He can have them back."
L.B. Scott: "I
know they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, but I
think I'll pass."
Shannon McNicol: "I'm
Sydney's cousin from Ice Age, I swear!"
is Stephen King when ya need him?",
looking mighty low today fella!",
don't look now, but, he's looking at me!"
Goo Googlie Eyes",
know you think I'm gorgeous, but this is ridiculous!"
Classic Peeping Tom!"
oh, the wind has changed!!!"
my father designed the Edsel... why do you ask?"
this picture is of my Dad when he's just out of bed in the morning."
who took me spinach, cause I'm PopEYE the sailor man, Toot Toot!"
can't believe anyone can do this, can you?"
is in these eyes that I be holdin'."
Tape Truck - No-Glass Deliveries"
a Mercedes I can afford." & "Just
three more payments and it's all mine!"
compare the quality workmanship of this cut-rate insurance company to your
standard nation-wide insurance... we can't see any difference!",
cops said even though Jethro was so butt-ugly, he still couldn't drive with a
bag over his head. So we improvised." & "Yeah,
its a Mercedes... but we found out that the 'Bends' part is a little
over-inflated. That windshield ain't got no give to it!"
name it - I'll feed it."
Ron Wells: "Call
Joe's Windshield replacement and we will give you a free box of steaks." "Why?" "Because
we can afford to."
First Horse Power Vehicle"
it gets great mileage, but we're still trying to work out the emissions thing.",
an' I went together an' split the cost of the car... he got the front, I got the
back." & "Paw
says I get the engine for my next birthday, and if I'm good, the transmission
go left, pull the left rein, to go right, pull the right. Pull the center rein
and hear the horn!"
exactly what Mr. Ed had in mind when he told Wilber he needed more horsepower."
new Audi A8 HORSEDRAWN-DURCH-TEKNIC"
Irvin Kauffman: "Mennonites,
on the other hand, are allowed to have cars!"
Linda Newman: "Man,
this buggy has a lot of horse butt."
Ron McCoy: "What?
him!? Nah... Don't worry, he's part Amish!"
Hybrid, 1 Horsepower"
Work Progress Report"
Chesney's video debut - "one step forward two steps back."
think its a mid-life crisis... I feel like no matter what I do, I'm goin
sure sign that you're stuck in a job with no chance for advancement..." & "Proving
once again that God DOES have a sense of humor..."
way of ensuring you actually GET hit by the bus two blocks up... as planned.",
Finder of the magic lamp's third wish:
"Hey! That guy in the black mini-van that just drove by... is the jerk that made
off of my wife!!! I never want to forget what he looks like!"
back two spaces."
hurrieder I go the behinder I get."
it feels like to work in IT." & "The
War on Terrorism exemplified."
Ron Wells: "The
Government at it's best."
Kyle Owens: It's
the latest board game:
a card ... dang it , got hit by car, go back 2 spaces."
Sandra F. Johnson:
be there in a minute, mom, as soon as I pick up my toys."
Irvin Kauffman: "Need
a little pick-me-up in the morning?"
Linda Newman: "An
experiment in artificial stupidity."
Sindhu Kakuru: "No
matter how much you pull me back I will always go ahead"
now let's see... six lawns a second... This baby runs on grass trimmings...
Jeez! I'll have this 3.5 million dollar puppy paid off in two weeks!!!"",
keeping up with the Jones!", "It's
great to get the lawn cut in short order... but the cost of JP-4 Jet fuel is a
next door is going to flippin' KILL me! I just accidentally mowed down her entire
two acre garden!" & "OK,
OK... don't panic... I got the blades stopped... but where the heck are the
Deere announced today that, in a surprise move, it has decided to branch out by
adding an armament division...",
ultimate tool for the ultimate multi-tasker: mow, mulch, weed, remove stumps,
remove ant beds, remove termites, dig that pool you've always wanted, and get
rid of your neighbor's annoying dog, all with one pass!" & "John
Deere: making war on weeds for over thirty years..."
tool for the ultimate fool."
by Bubba, Manufactured in Skeeter, WV."
tips like a Deere."
Ron Wells: "He's
always flying high on grass."
L.B. Scott: "Runs
like a deer?"
William Weise: "I
didn't want anything fancy... just a PLANE lawnmower!"
Elaine Powell: "Big
Toys for Big Boys"
Jill Coloske: "She
might have took away my car keys, but she forgot about my ol' John Deer."
This line comes from a song released by Vince Gill back
in the late 80's or early to mid 90's.
Carl Weiler: "Redneck
multi-tool double bladed lawnmower, .50 cal minigun, sidewinder rockets, and can
opener. Mow your 1200 acre lawn or blow it up and try again next year."
no match for John Deeres new Limited Edition Xseries A10*, with heat-seeking out
front blades. (*If purchased before march 08, pilot picture included)",
Deere really will blow open a can of whoop-ass on your lawn!",
hope its got emergency engine cut off on the seat...",
tin cans as target practice down the garden entered a new realm..." & "Can
you set auto-pilot to do stripes, or is it a one pass job?"
“Haters gonna hate.”
I think ya done went a bit overboard diggin the new outhouse hole...",
beware..." & "...
and the best part is, your farts even echo back to ya!!!"
top location: $75,000 ... Lumber: $150 ... Nails: $3 ... Toilet Paper: $1 ...
Taking a crap with a spectacular view: Priceless!"
that condor done finally dropped us!"
the saying goes, when you're in an outhouse it's like when you're up in the
mountains... DON'T LOOK DOWN!" & "This
is one way to make it quick and keep Pa from leanin' back."
Brian Smedley: "No
need for toilet paper. The fall alone will wipe you out."
India West: "The
hills are alive with the sound of music-al fruit."
Jim Gill: "Yeah,
crap really does roll downhill."
Jamie Flanagan: "And
they never gave him beans again..."
Rickie Messer: "I'm
telling you, it's the fastest way down."
Paterik Tobias: "How
do you spell Mana from heaven?"
Luggage Check for High Flyers"
think mine is the blue one at the bottom..." & "I
think we're going to need a S T R E T C H limo!"
like Paris Hilton is leaving town for the weekend."
she's packing light.", "Looks
like your mother is coming for the weekend again..." & "The
good news is, we found your luggage. The bad news is, it's in Zimbabwe."
I think I forgot something..." & "...
now, which one did you put your medicine in?"
green to his wife: "Uuhh...
I.... umm... that bulge near the bottom of the stack in the cart... it's Fifi's
cage..." & "STRESS???
YEAH, I have stress! They told me I can ONLY HAVE ONE carry on bag!!!!"
the QVC shopper please come to the luggage area."
Jackson's Carry On Luggage."
Tony Holt: "UMMMMM...
I think the plane tickets are in there somewhere...", "Honey,
did you have to pack all your shoes?", "Well
I think I will be good for a couple days!" & "Darn,
I forgot to pack shoes!"
Africa now boarding!"
Layers - Cast in Stone"
was right about that lying-down with the dogs and getting up with fleas thing!"
but those kids are as
dubm as a load of bricks!", "Caution:
Slow Children At Play!" & "Future
true - you are what you eat."
kids never listen to me - talking to you is like talking to a brick wall!"
you are is just another brick in the wall!"
from eastern Berlin invented a new camouflage pattern so they wouldn't be shot
whilst fleeing to the West."
I'm done this wall, honey. Where are the kids?"
you should never make fun of the wicked witch and then try to run away."
over the wall - I'm bricking it here."
we know you're in there!"
told you boys this would happen if you tried to escape from the priest."
didn't take long for the neighborhood kids to quit hanging out with young
Roscoe... don' look now, butcha got sumpin in yer teeth...",
dang, that aint nuttin! Jus' the other day, I wuz chasin this squirrel
I'll be... if that thar ain't the purtiest lil' mutt I ever seen... ain't that
yer cousin, Bo? Oh... an yer wif'. You lucky dog!" & "Grrrrrrrrr,
gee Billy Bob - what do you think they are looking at?"
sure got a pretty mouth!"
told ya' not to bite them tires."
I'm Larry, this is my brother Darrell, and my other brother Darrell."
the Bob Newhart Show)
Gen-u-Ine All Amareecan Possum Hounds. If they can sniff 'em they can git 'em...
nothin batter than a heapin bowl of pussum rid-eye gravy an' a side of collar
greens. MMMMMMM tongue lappen good!"
your dog wears your teeth more than you do... you might be a Redneck."
Millie, how cum ya got that big gap between your front teeth? Ain'cha never
heard about doggie style?"
Ron Wells: "See
- Colgate's whiting strips do work."
Tom Moore: "Thises
whahappons whwn cusans breed, but let me just make one thing clear here. Them
an't my dogs!"
Johnathan Rainey: "They
think we're stupid!"
Idske Mulder: "Yes,
our Mom liked horses a lot. Why?"
never could pronounth the 'th' right, until Ma took uth to the dentithth and had
our front teeth fictht.""
Norman Olley: "Single
Red Dogs (SRD) seeking poodles for fun and romance. We thinks poodles is purty."
T. Kay: "For
his tooth we will not grieve... In the "TOOTH FAIRY" we believe!"
matter what happens, we'll stick together!"
Philip Bassett: "Ronaldo's
dogs were really disappointed when he told them they could not go to the World
Linda Newman: "Daisy
duke screen saver."
Ron McCoy: "Budwiser
commercial bloopers... 'Bud, Ruff!, Zer'... 'Joe this just isn't going to
Jonathan Hemlock: "Never
trust a vet that flunked out of dental school."
Potato On Wheels"
with care, lazy driver has a lazy reflex!"
Sunday drivers!!! AND IT'S ONLY TUESDAY!!!" & "Marvin,
ever the accommodating personnel manager, finally was able to reconcile his
mid-life crisis with his love for the creature comforts."
Chair, at age 65, it refuses to drive to work!"
but does it recline?"
haven't left this chair since 1972!!!"
Where'd I park my TV?"
Linda Newman: "A
chairman's cheekiest chair lift."
Home Alarm System for 2005"
end to a cheese addiction..."
could you empty the Man-trap? Apparently it caught something again last night!" & "Ouch..."
she finally got her man!"
honey, we caught one of them but the big cheese must have got away!"
mouse to the other: "Finally
got even with him for murdering all our ancestors!"
enough, we were trying to catch a cat burglar!"
damn! That's the third Jehovah's Witness this month!"
Ron Wells: "The
trap was sprung."
an unfortunate accident, Mickey Mouse (dressed as a cat burglar) was crushed to
death at the local cheese factory."
Burle O. Cook: "And
the second rat got the cheese."
Essence or Hair Ingestion?"
angel-hair pasta didn't seem to sit well with Velma, for some reason...", "I
know French women don't shave, but this is outrageous!" & "She
hacked so hard to get that clear plastic thingy outta her throat, she sucked her
ponytail through the back of her skull! It wasn't a pretty sight... but at least
she got rid of the plastic thingy."
I hate it when hair gets in my mouth!", "Newest
hair fad... the reverse pony tail!" & "I
dreamt I was eating Shredded Wheat... and when I woke up, my hair was missing!"
ever been on a all night bender? You wake up the next morning with your head
pounding, and your mouth feels like you just swallowed a cat... "Hey,
just where is that cat?"
someone get me a cup of Mcdonald's coffee. It's been proven in lawsuits to be
hot enough to take the hair off your tongue."
please stop making me say 'aaaaah' all the time. It just feels aaaaahwful!" & "Well
uh, as I said, we were having a bbq, and it was already getting somewhat dark
when I thought I put a hamburger in my mouth..."
Ron Wells: "I
hate the term 'Hair Lip'."
Jack Porcenaluk: "Dang,
was that brush my teeth and shave my hair or shave my teeth and brush my hair?"
Philip Bassett: "Tongue
waxing was becoming a regular thing for Nadia.", "Hair
today, tongue tomorrow." &
cat was always up to mischief."
Team - Leading by Example"
out of ten kids these days will not have the spine (nor the brains) to finish
high-school... can you spot the graduate here?", "Dang...
I think I can see Narnia from here!" & "Hey,
Bob... as Joe makes his way down into the mysterious depths of this dark and
dangerous hole, I can't help but recall that this is how most of those horror
flicks start out..."
Joe's digging for more! Yes, let's hope he 'comes up' with some nice joe-ks!" &
Internal Supervisor: "The
ideal spill of control is 1:5 and not 1:10, so one of you has to go down with
thought that meant 1 at the top to 10 on the workfloor?" Internal
right, Joe IS the top! Can't you see he's the only one who's really digging it?"
If we were 'STATE' employees, we all would have shovels to lean on instead of
just that guy in the red coat."
John E. Goettge:
Moron's Ditch Digging University"
it looks like a lot of work, but the last time Joe went home without his wedding
ring, he was in traction for 6 months!"
Ron Wells: "The
reason Joe is down in the hole is because he is the only one with a safety
unnamed insurance company finally gets the hint, and buries the lizard."
Philip Bassett: "Hey
Joe, don't go any deeper. The Health & Safety Manager isn't here yet." & Joe:"Yeah,
I can see it! Here, Pussy Pussy..."
Patty Quesenberry: "One
out of every eleven men are hard at it while the other 10 are trying to figure
out what it is!"
Great. Now I have to put up with twice the amount of crap." & "The
plumber just installed my new dishwasher, but he left before telling me which
one is 'wash' cycle, and which one is 'rinse' cycle."
new Joe-kster Bathroom means never having to fight over the comic page again.", "Hey,
Bob, at least you don't have to worry about putting the lid down anymore." & "In
order to conserve space, our restroom facilities will now be performing 'double-doody'.
We apologize for any inconvenience."
Restaurant Bathroom. Obligatory to people who ordered an extra cover. Sharing
the entrance means sharing the exit!"
now show you our new conference room, after all some of our best ideas come to
the... oh, no wonder... that wallpaper'll scare the crap out of everybody!"
and HERS toilets - guess which one is his..."
Ron Wells: "I
hate making decisions."
must mean that all paper work is to be in duplicate."
Brian Smedley: "With
2 you'll never miss."
Steven Wilson: "Now
Bob, we can never be apart - even on the toilet!"
Rickie Messer: "The
family who plays together, ____ together."
Wash Instructions for Teenagers"
come your mom didn't qualify for the elderly home? She's 95 and has serious
problems taking care of herself."
said she's got too many children."
She can't live at your place, you're older than 70 yourself!"
those new washing labels you see. Her 30 grandchildren are bringing their
laundry to her 8 children, that's us. And we're bringing everything to her..."
the creative thinker, Bob found a new way to commit suicide...", "...
and Joe was never heard from again..." & "How
to tell your bluejeans were made by a 47-year-old bachelor... who will remain a
Jacqui Graham: "Dear
Joe: I do not see the humour in this. Yours truly, Jacqui (mother of 6)"
FLASH! Mysterious fire destroys clothing factory. The only clue to the origin of
the blaze is a bleach bottle containing the cryptic message: "Now Mom gives it
instructions you can understand."
Philip Bassett: "Just
do it Mom. And don't forget - I get to choose your Care Home."
'Art' - 100% Game Day Coverage"
I am George W's Grandfather. How did you know?" & "Go
Back, Go Back..................... you've gone too far!!!"
like old man Irwin from Denver is adjusting a new dish for Pedro in apartment 4." & "Just
in time for all the soccer they like to watch together, with BBQ Goat Tacos."
the public doesn't know is that the second dish from the right, bottom row, is
actually aimed at the Mothership.", "...
and this one's for catchin 'Leave it to Beaver'...", "Billy
Joe takes all the rumors of harmful microwave emissions seriously....here you
can see him as he removes a grilled-cheese sandwich from a dish. The larger
dishes are usually reserved for TV dinners.", "When
you have a piece of crap house, don't hide it behind aluminum siding. Use Dish
antennas instead!" & "Dang,
Martha, I shore am glad we didn't go for one of those tacky 15-foot dishes like
the McGurdy's have in front of their trailer..."
wanted some more space in the house." & "This
way everyone can have their own special dish at Christmas!"
Gerry Springer package"
major budget cutbacks dedicated S.E.T.I. researchers continue their work."
Ron Wells: "Bubba
misunderstood his wife when she asked for a new dish collection."
new phone solicitation operator for the Dish Net Work Co. is good."
Jacqui Graham: "Eleven
dishes... 4,385 channels... and there's STILL nothing worth watching!", "OK
dear, I got them all working... now all we need is a TV set.", "Reception's
lousy, but it sure keeps the Jehovah's Witnesses away."
mean, hockey season's over?"
Orest Protch: "Once
again contractor Joe got his addresses mixed up. The motel down the road did not
want the 10 hummingbird feeders."
Craig Baker: "Martha!
Our 90 day free trial expired again! Who haven't we called yet? I know there was
Philip Bassett: "For
some reason Mr. Clampett's neighbours thought he might be working for the
Soviets, but they couldn't quite put their finger on it."
Linda Newman: "The
greatest 'wire puller' of modern times."
Sally Lebo: "Can
you hear me now?", "Those
aliens were at it again?" & "Halloween
trick left by aliens."
Bungee Jumping - Latest Extreme Sport"
we warned you once, Elmo, we warned you twice about flatulating in our cubical."
Kent... the early years...", "Dangit,
Bob, no more kimchee!!!", "Oops...", & "And
to think, we used to have to suffer through Window's 'Blue Screen of Death'...
glad they fixed that!"
New Year! I sure hope I'll get a raise, or I'll feel really down!"
Jacqui Graham: "Great
technique, Bob... now, flap your arms really fast and lift your tail flaps five
I know the secret of your low cost flying lessons... NO PLANE!", "The
view's great, but the slipstream is murder!", "OK
honey - hand me the camera... QUICK!", "New
to office management, Bob was unaware that most companies merely lay off extra
make sexist remarks within hearing of your secretaries."
told you, Sam. You don't need a parachute to jump from the thirtieth floor. You
only need a parachute to jump from the thirtieth floor TWICE."
Sandra F. Johnson:
me! My wife forgot to pack my parachute this morning!"
Orest Protch: "OK
OK, I promise to put the toilet seat down!"
Irvin Kauffman: "When
levitation goes bad..."
Shawn Fraser: "For
The *LAST* time Chang, *WHERE IN THE HELL* is the QED Report???"
John Quinn: "This
job really sucks!"
L.B. Scott: "Good
news... the boss said you could skip the staff meeting."
news, team. The anti-gravity boxers work."
out - you're fired!"
Philip Bassett: "Okay,
so that's two coffees, one with cream and two strawberry shakes. I'll be right
Ron McCoy: "Alien
abduction foiled as family members step in to help. Film at 11..."
Rickie Messer: "High
telling you, this building has an air balance problem!"
Horse or Quarterhorse?"
looking for my better half! She's gone faster than I thought!"
Ron Wells: "The
new smaller version of the Mustang."
Kirk Lowry: "Ever
see those cartoons where the martian gets squashed down into his helmet? Well...
Brent Offenberger: "Wonder
what the 'vet' meant at my physical when he said that I would have a short
HORSE'???? Looks more like 2 dimes and a nickel."
Kitty Opera: "Excuse
me, I'm just off to find myself."
Jacqui Graham: "When
the ad said 'small horse', we were expecting a pony.", "What
happens when a centaur mates with a horse.", "Never
make sexist remarks within hearing of your secretaries."
mean, he's a QUARTER horse? Count the legs, buddy. Half."
Tom Spencer: "A
sure bet this horse will 'win by a nose'... and not much else."
Orest Protch: When
my kid finally met Harry Potter, all he could say was,
I'll be a horse's arse."
Irvin Kauffman: "Horse's
Michael Knott: "Stop
Farrukh Hashmi: "I
cannot lose - my front legs are already there!"
Philip Bassett: "The
genetically modified thoroughbred had not been a complete success but it had
distinct weight advantage."
Andrea G. Santos-Nagy: "I'm
betting on the two front legs and nothing else!", "I'm
human... almost.", "I've
got two front legs and I'm not afraid to use them!"
betting 4 nickels and five pennies or 25 pennies. The less I have the faster I
Linda Newman: "Here
comes the front runner... 'Hillary'."
Patrick Bourque: "Sub-compacts,
Jim Ohneck: "Let
our new equine laser get your horse up and running!"
In or Garbage Out?"
know they charge too much for trash pick-up when they can afford to drive
, better call 'MACCO'."
what, your car's got airco. Ours has AWCO: All Windows Can Open (Permanently!)"
Kirk Lowry: "The
next generation of the Clampetts goes international.",
their landslide defeat at the polls, the Democratic party packs up all of their
political garbage and moves on."
Gore's Urban Renewal Project."
I told you that amp was too powerful for those speakers!"
Orest Protch: "If
you have chilli-peppers and beans for breakfast one more time...",
your mouth when you sneeze!"
Ron McCoy: "I
had beans for dinner, the windows were rolled up, and i tried to light a
cigarette... Need I say more?"
"Garage Sale for the Soon-To-Be-Departed"
$100. Vampire extra.",
Addams family is moving again.",
hope their customers will be 'coffin' up the dough."
on Marge - who's going to believe it's a padded playpen?"
Kirk Lowry: "Recently
defeated Democratic hopeful Bob Zumecki finally cleans the skeletons out of his
shoes, $1. Green plastic storage bin, $0.75. Assorted garbage,
$0.05. Finally getting your deadbeat brother to move out... priceless."
tellin ya, Sweetie, its time for your mother to leave already!"
Idske Mulder: "Granny's
last wish was to be present at her own garage sale..."
Jeroen Boomsluiter: "I'll
be back in a minute!"
George Clary: "Pay
your respects to Uncle Joe and buy some of the great items he no longer needs!!!"
Brian Smedley: "How
much for the sunscreen?"
Orest Protch: "Dead
give-a-way ad for a church rummage sale!"
we had a beautiful funeral planned for Uncle Clem. Just imagine our shock when
he sat up and asked for his dentures."
Craig Baker: "Yep,
it's Irma all righty. I've got more than 20 thousand in her by now, but I'll let
'er go for two hunnerd bucks."
Lois Foster: "Barely used coffin : was $200 NOW only $150 (we will throw in the slightly used suit for free).Please disregard the dirty appearance, we did vacuum after
exhumation to the best of our ability."
“Y’see we really need to sell the coffin quick so we can pay for the cremation. The mortuary says they’re gonna start charging storage fees for the body, and he’s just not worth it.”
Kirk Lowry: "Guess
the news just wasn't all that hot today.",
gettin the stainless steel seat wouldn't be such a good idea.",
who DIDN'T have beans last night?"
tha' dang door! Thar's a draft in here!!!"
Orest Protch: "ORDER
NOW: Joe's instruction manual for automatic brick laying machine!"
Barry Gilfoyle: "What
an Ice Hole!"
Idske Mulder: "A
man in the cold Was being told He could stir up his
inner heating If he constantly kept eating Then he ate
such a lot He could never leave the 'pot'"
days it just takes longer..."
should order another heater right away!"
# 1 reason not to use the out-house in the winter!"
just can't put down the New York Times, especially when playing
Idske Mulder: "You
can sit on your brass here."
takes a lot of 'breath' to play an instrument like this. Beans and onions
Kirk Lowry: "Beans,
beans, the musical fruit...",
was one of the crappiest tuba solos I've ever heard!"
Bob went out for the orchestra, but couldn't play for crap as it turns out..."
Orest Protch: "Oil
industry keynote speaker announces, to a media chorus of approval, a new
passed-gas recycle system. Solid waste is simply blown away by you, said
To The Throne!"
I'm feeling Horny... where's my Tuba Toothpaste?"
Little Boy Blue Comes to play with his horn."
did what in your tuba? Oh, you said SIT in with the band, I'm sorry!"
- Ladies Downhill Racing @ Turin 2006"
Kirk Lowry: "Feeling
constipated? Not for long...!", "Oh,
Gramma's got her readin' glasses on again, and mixed up the bunny-slopes with
the double-black diamonds!!!"
Idske Mulder: "Official
opening of the 2006 levitation contest at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and
Brian Smedley: "When
Grandma answered the ad for a free permanent from the beauty shop, she didn't
know it would be like this... free stylin'."
Michael Thomas: "It
won't be long before grandma can take the training wheels off of her magic
Irvin Kauffman: "Hot
Flash: Over-The-Hill Downhill Racing"
Colin Brierley: "Oh
no - I knew I shouldn't have stolen the German sun loungers..."
Jack Porcenaluk: "A
sled with forced air induction... Cool, very cool!"
Grandma should practice what she preaches, "Keep
your legs together at all times."
a great place to be giving birth! Breathe! Breathe!"
Philip Bassett: "Drag
cars may use a parachute, but Olive had devised her own method of stopping
was only out for a ride on her magic carpet when suddenly a sledge appeared from
Dickens watched with Great Expectations as his wife achieved her personal best."
Byron Aslett: "I
was going down the bunny hill just fine until I answered that damn cell phone!"
Nick Aslett: "Oh
- Car Gadgets Unlimited"
Kirk Lowry: "Why,
yes, I did decorate it myself! And I DO still live with my Mother!!! How'd you
hang on... there's a joe-ks.com pen in here somewhere.."
driving lesson one: turn the key. No, the key. The CAR key. Its on the keychain.
No, the OTHER KEYCHAIN. WELL, FOR PETE'S SAKE, KID, AT THIS RATE, YOU'RE GONNA
RIDE THE BUS UNTIL YOU GRADUATE!!!"
Idske Mulder: "No,
we don't have a Christmas tree all year long! Why do you ask?"
I really need to explain why I named my car 'Noah's Ark'?"
Courtney Hewlett: "Have
you seen my keys?"
Julia Bauer: "What!
No Fuzzy Dice?"
On Clothes' Cat"
Phoebe Moll: "Does
your cat need a place to 'Hide And Sleep'?"
Idske Mulder: "You've
been warming up chairs for me so many times, I'm returning the favour at one go!"
try to understand the inconceivable. Us cats are on a higher thinking level. The
general message is: RELAX! Only the ultimate relaxation might help you get
Wisse Boomsluiter: "Can
you scratch my back, please?"
Brian Smedley: "Judge
sentenced cat burglar to jail - case clothes-d!"
Meghan Whalley: "Us
cats like hanging around!"
, 102 uses for a dead cat..."
and my Breath came in Short Pants, I was Wired!"
lap? The next best thing to being there."
was fine until Fluffy came back from the cleaners with extra starch."
Linda Newman: "A
cat can purr his way out of anything."
are connoisseurs of comfort."
Kirk Lowry: "Uh...
Paw... did yew write down 32c or 32d fer Maw's headstone?"
Idske Mulder: "Finally
found Fred Flintstone's grave! We all lost track of him since he got in his
lies dearly departed Mike... Didn't make the curve...
Wanted to stay with his bike..."
fast rice rocket - 0 to coffin in 5.3 ..."
Irvin Kauffman: "STILL,
always said that I would have a HONDA one Day!"
Domingo Valdez: "Never
again I will ride on a motorcycle now that I have one for keeps."
found the highway to heaven."
Reid from Peterheed Is Deed! Motorcycle for sale"
Linda Newman: "I'm
not dying to have one."
Bomb - Whitewash To Go"
Kirk Lowry: "In
loving memory of Alfred Hitchcock, may we present: 'The Birds, Part 2'", "Oh,
un-aired Super Bowl commercial..."
to the park, feed the pigeon's Ex-Lax... it'll be fun!"
Idske Mulder: "Where
did I learn these advanced bombing skills? Took lessons from a Grey Heron, of
course! I've won every contest since - just watch me go!"
Irvin Kauffman: "HEY
KID... DROP - THE - BAG!!!"
wing nest to blue wing leader. have you acquired your target?
affirmative blue wing nest. Target in sight and closing range.
... Blue wing
nest to blue wing leader, target has been deemed hostile, fire at will.
... Blue wing
leader to blue wing nest, first bomb was a direct hit, second one on target
Outstanding, Blue wing leader, return to nest to refuel and rearm."
me a poop factory...", "I
said that was MY corn...", "Tag
- you're it..."
can run but you can't fly and crap..."
Matthew Hyde: "I
knew I shouldn't have stolen that guy's tacos."
Brian Smedley: "Who
will get pooped out first - the bird or the boy from running so much?"
Philip Bassett: Pidgeon: "Wow,
this the real thing - statues are just target practice?"
Linda Newman: "A
little dab will do ya.", "Here
comes white icing, kid!" & "Let's
play, 'pooped tag'."
Becky Johnson: "And
the truth comes out... how the Japanese start training their youth for the NFL
Joan Parks: "This
is what happens to kids who don't do their homework!"
Kirk Lowry: "Bubba
decides to try that new-fangled 'fast food' thang..."
at Joe's GreaseBucket... but drive fast, else the flies'll get yer tatertots."
Idske Mulder: "Our
Art Collections are inside. Our Kitchen Collections are outside."
Brian Smedley: "Dine
in or carry out?"
Wout Schrama: "Drive-ing
JP Panesko: "Patio
tours of Lake Okeechobee Wilderness Area, panoramic views, seating for four,
drinks extra, must sign release form.", "Honey,
I can see our trailer from up here!", "Hey,
what happened to the barbeque?", "Redneck
Golf Course", "For
Sale: 1972 Olds Tornado, 455 PS PB AC good tires, rooftop deck with new carpet,
runs great, patio furniture not included.", "First
we'll have us some beers on the roof, and later when the 'skeeters come out
we'll go downstairs and get in the back seat.", "Mobile
deck for a mobile home.", "Slow
down Kenny, the kids are playing on the roof.", "If
you think that's cool, wait until you see the downstairs." & "Don't
start on that deck yet, BillyBob, I'll be right over..."
Irvin Kauffman: "Poontoon
car, Southern Style!!!"
Linda Newman: "Roof
For The Top' Roof Repair"
Idske Mulder: "Pole
vault for 4 wheel drivers. Keep practising! (But not near my house...)"
Kirk Lowry: "Darn
women drivers...", "Bob...
you were drinking again last night. Do you recall what happened to OUR car?", "Dick
Cheney visit's a lawyer friend, manages to leave shotgun at home. Tune in to the
11 o'clock news to find out the condition of the lawyer...", "Now
look, honey... there's NO picture! Go outside and see if the dish was moved...", "...when
up from the roof there arose such a clatter, I sprang out of my bed to see what
was the matter. Away to the window I flew in a flash, tore back the curtains and
threw up the sash! And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but HOLY
Travis Taylor: "The
result of letting Pam Anderson ride your crane."
like Bob has decided where to make the hole for the new chimney for the
Alex Gortemaker: "Daddy,
is that an off road vehicle?"
Ashley Anderson: "And
I thought there would be nothing more disruptive than my husband..."
Ryan Eggen: "Look
Ma - no hands!"
Craig Baker: "What?
You specifically said to get over here and put an air conditioner on this roof!"
Buford E. Collier: "Hey!
Letgo of my Eggo!"
Rickie Messer: "This
year's winner of the $200.00 low rider bounce contest."
maybe it's a little over the top."
of Olympic Success"
Robert Gibson: "I
know you were giving it your all, Butt!"
we have a disqualification for illegal use of gas propulsion."
Kirk Lowry: "Okay,
no more kimchee the night before a race!", "...
the things I do for my country...", "After
this, if they don't approve my visa and US citizenship... *@$!!!*", "I'm
heterosexual... I'm heterosexual... I'm heterosexual...",
she makes those 'vroom, vroom' noises on the next lap, it'll be my skate up her
David Bailey: "No,
no - don't YOU push - I will..."
Kathy Williams: "Whoa,
that Pasta Fazioli - too much garlic!"
Kenneth C. Bowlan: "Suddenly,
skater number 106, realized that wasn't the smell of victory ahead..."
Irvin Kauffman: "If
you knew Sushi like I know Sushi, Oh, Oh, Eeeuuwh!"
Idske Mulder: "When
we win by a nose, why does it always have to be mine?"
Bruce Gilbert: "Come
on, I know #107 is in there somewhere!"
Jack Porcenaluk: "Take
a note from NASCAR, bump drafting is dangerous!"
Braden Evans: "You
had to let it off now!"
William Riley: "No
wonder #107 couldn't stand back up!", "Oh
geez, and with 13 laps to go!", "Now
I know why we're the only 2 out here!", "OK,
that right there, that's just not right!", "Think
of my happy place, think of my happy place!",
bad enough without her grunting sounds!"
Mike Maguire: "Ya
butt I can still see!"
Nadine Taha: "Wait,
I think you have something there - I'll get it for you..."
Terry Mossip: "107,
107, 107 - please respond!"
Linda Newman: "Doesn't
smell like roses... more like winner butt."
Andy Ussery: "Are
you sure this zit is slowing you down?"
Andy Cowlan: "That
reminds me, I need to get some kippers for hubby's breakfast."
Joe La Rosa:
I'll go as a horse but I am not going to be the back half."
“The cost of letting the person in front of you break wind...”
2006 - A Tale of Two Pilots"
Kirk Lowry: "This
is Bob, the airplane designer. This is Bob, the airplane designer, on Sudafed.
Any questions?", "In
other news, Salvadore Dali was forced to take a 'real' job today due to
inflation and rising gas prices...",
Airlines rolled out the newest addition to their fleet today, the 'Pigeonator
Holly Jones: "Weebles
wobble but they don't fall down!"
Idske Mulder: "Identical
twins wanted for a real pilot job!", "Hairstylists
will be available during your trip, as well as at the next airport.", "No
heavy hand-luggage allowed..."
Brendan Groeneveld: "I
don't have the power Cap'n! Nor do the oth'r guys!"
what are those Dutch up to now?!?"
(noting how the plane is owned by KLM, a dutch airline business)
Starboard crew to Port crew: "We
have been cleared for take off."
Starboard crew to Port crew: "We
will taxi and you can do lift off.", "Looks
like all that fuss over getting a window seat has been solved.", "Oh
crap! Those Sadistic engineers forgot to put a toilet in our reduced crew area."
why they gave us windows and a bucket."
Des Condon: "Forget
DVT, it's BFT - Big Fan Turbulence!", "I'd
like a window seat under the starboard wing, please.",
I have an extra blanket please, it's very draughty?"
Carl Estes: "This
Airbus really sucks!"
Braden Evans: "The
guy who designed this must really hate birds."
Irvin Kauffman: "There
is immediate seating in the center section for those passengers traveling with
Matt MacGown: "We've
solved fuel economy, but what happens when the pilots want to go different
June Brobst: "...
and leave the driving to us!"
Joseph Isfan Jr.: "President
Bush comes up with a new design to help fight terrorism."
Mike Maguire: "SKYCLOPS"
Brett Tucker: "Darnit
- I left the keys in my other cockpit!"
Linda Newman: "Keep
back pedaling - you're not there yet."
Tony Holt: "Solution
to back cockpit flyer!"
Jennifer Anderson: "I
said, 'HEADS BACK'!"
Jerry Van Horne: "Newfoundland's
first jetliner rolls out for viewing..."
Tom Napoli: "Like
sex in the bathroom, can't tell if they're coming or going."
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