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“Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”
Practical Nurse: One who marries her rich patient.
What famous nurse rarely got dressed in the morning?
What happened to the student who swallowed a dictionary?
Humour is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Nurses: Patient people.
Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Why did the track star go to the school nurse?
Nose: The scenter of your face.
Nurse: A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure.
Silicone Treatment: The bust that money can buy.
Vaccination: An ouch of prevention.
I've just had an operation for piles. All my troubles are behind me.

4 Stages Of Life

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!

Interns think of God...
Residents pray to God...
Doctors talk to God...
Nurses ARE God.

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"


Q: What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A: A nun only serves one God.

Q: What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
A: If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.

Q: Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
A: Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.


Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.
A2: As much as the doctor orders.

Q: How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
 

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.

"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

 

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously - constantly going back to the nurse's file.
After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven - for five days!"

 

Gerald, 95, was in the hospital. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronizing tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"

Gerald’s revenge? After he had received breakfast, he pulled the juice off the tray and put it on his stand...
He had been given a urine bottle to fill...
The juice was apple juice...
You know where the juice went...

The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."

Gerald snatched the bottle out of her hand, drank its contents, and said, "Well, I'll run it through again - maybe I can filter it better this time."

 

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the patient is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed, the next patient also appeared half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is truly deceased - not an ounce of life.
"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH, MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

 

1. It pays better than fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops - eventually.
5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
6. Interesting aromas.
7. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
8. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends - at work.
9. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
10. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.

 

Nurses do it painless.
Nurses do it with TLC.
Nurses do it with care.
Nurses do it with intensive care.

 

When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows;
Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up;
Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.

Doctor Joe-ks
Emergency Joe-ks
Hospital Joe-ks
Medical Joe-ks


1907 to 2007: Century of Change
4 Stages Of Life
65 And Pregnant
A Head Of His Time
A Woman's Mind
Alzheimer's Wing 
Ambulance Driver Reports - Fire/Rescue Memorandum
Aptonym & Aptronym Joe-ks
Arkansas Cure For Terminal Illness
Arkansas Surgeons
Asylum Tests
Baby's First Exam
Big Birth - They Start Off Big At This Hospital
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Bird Flu Symptoms
The Birth Order of Children
Black Baby in Maternity
Blood Machine - Portable Health Care
Boy’s Anatomy Lesson
Brain Transplant
Break A Leg
Breast Implant Breakthrough
Broken Egg 
Cancer Tree
Car Surgeon
Cardiologist Eulogy
CATastrophy in the Kitchen
Chiropractor Mailbox
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Confucius Says
Cross To Bear
Cruise Nurse
Deck Of Cards Patient
Dedicated Golfer Plays Hospital Rounds
Difference Between Arthritis, Rheumatism and Gout
DNA Genes
Do You Have An HMO? 
Doctor Types
Doctor's OR Specialty
Dyslexic Smiley
E. Coli Victim
ER Patch
Excerpts from Medical Records
Excessive Wind Joe-ks
Exhausting Gyne Work
Feeling Retired?
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Hospital Charts
Hospital Cutbacks
Hospital Outpatient Assistance - Like It Or Not
How To Measure Labour Pains
How To Pop A Zit
How Was I Born – Modern ‘Birds And Bees’
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Keep Off The Grass
Keep The Motor Running
Kid's Groaners
Ladies Room Buttons
Latest Surgical Procedure – ‘The Knob’
Lightdays for Children
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Mammogram Appointment
Market Share Competition in New York
'Mean' Death Rate @ Nursing Homes
Mechanical Patient 
Medical Breakthrough
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Overdue Outpatient News
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Physicians Advised to Avoid Slang
Polish Paramedics 
Post-Op Complication Prescription
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Relative Facelift
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