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| What has holes but is very strong? |
A chain. |
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| Did you hear about the man who tried to blow up a bus? |
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe. |
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| How can you keep a barking dog quiet? |
With hush puppies. |
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| How do you hit slime? |
With a sludgehammer. |
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| What do comedians fill their cars with? |
Laughing gas. |
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| What did Little Johnny answer to the teacher's question: "If can't is short for cannot, what is don't short for?" |
Doughnut. |
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| How did they say good-bye on Johnny Carson's "The Tonight Show"? |
N B C'ing you! |
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| How do they say good-bye in Canada? |
eh B C'ing you! |
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| How do they say good-bye using the alphabet? |
A B C'ing you! |
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| How do they say good-bye in England? |
B B C'ing you! |
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| Why did the cannibal feel sick every time he ate a missionary? |
You can't keep a good man down. |
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| Why shouldn't you insult a cat lover? |
You'll hurt his felines. |
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| What kind of dancing do crash dummies enjoy? |
Break dancing. |
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| What's the best way to carve wood? |
Whittle by whittle. |
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| What's the best way to avoid fallen arches? |
Get out of the way. |
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| Why is bread full of holes? |
It's whole (hole) wheat bread. |
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| When things seem to go wrong, what can you always count on? |
Your fingers. |
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| What word contains all of the twenty six letters? |
Alphabet. |
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| What coat is put on only when it is wet? |
A coat of paint. |
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| A man was found dead in a field of snow. The only tracks that were left were a set of footprints between two parallel lines. Who should the police be looking for? |
A man in a wheelchair. |
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| Which clock works best - the one that loses a minute a day, or the one that doesn't work at all? |
The one that doesn't work is best. It will always be correct twice a day, but
the one that loses a minute a day will not be correct again for 720 days
(losing 720 minutes or 12 hours). |
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| What do you call a greasy pachyderm? |
An oiliphant. |
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| My second is performed by my first, and, it is thought, a thief by the marks of my whole might be caught. What am I? |
A footstep. |
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| Will Smith gives someone a dollar. Will is this person's brother, but the person is not Will's brother. How can that be? |
It's Will's sister. |
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| The sun bakes them, the hand breaks them, the foot treads on them, and the mouth tastes them. What are they? |
Grapes. |
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| I am 1, but not 2. I am 3, but not 4. Whenever I am dancing, one will be on the sidelines. I like to play leap frog on a number line. What am I? |
An odd number. |
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| Two boys have the same parents and were born at the same hour of the same day of the same month, but they are not twins. How can this be possible? |
They were not born in the same year. |
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| What word can be written forward, backward or upside down, and can still be read from left to right? |
Noon. |
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| Why are cowboys bad at math? |
They're always rounding things up. |
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| Joe walks into a restaurant for lunch. He asks the waitress if she is good at solving puzzles. She replies, "I am the best." So Joe says, "I'll have sausage and noodles drenched with ice cream, hashed. And if you bring me what I really want, I'll leave you a $100 tip." A few minutes later she brought him exactly what he wanted, and he left her the large tip. What did Joe eat for lunch? |
A sandwich (the first letters of what Joe ordered). |
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| With the head of an elephant, and the tail of a monkey, my touch can be deadly if you're unlucky. I'm an excellent swimmer, but if you wet me I'll holler. And racing me would be pure folly. What am I? |
Electricity. |
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| What sport does a math teacher like? |
Figure skating. |
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| What part of a fish is like the end of a book? |
The fin is. |
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| What word is spelled the same in English, German, French, Portuguese, and Swedish? |
Taxi. |
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| What goes up and down, but doesn't move? |
The temperature. |
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| Two cars were travelling in the outside lane of a freeway at 70 miles per hour, with a gap of only 3 inches between them. A police car saw them and did nothing. Why? |
The two cars were on the back of a car transporter. |
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| In his own home a man watched a woman dying but did nothing to stop her. Why not? |
He saw it happening on TV. |
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| This word means 'solitary,' but changing its first letter becomes an exact duplicate. What is the word? |
Alone to Clone. |
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| Late afternoons I often bathe. I'll soak in water piping hot. My essence goes through my see-through clothes. Used up am I - I've gone to pot. What am I? |
A tea bag. |
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| Which word in the English language becomes shorter when it is lengthened? |
Short. |
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| Does the law allow a man to marry his widow's sister? |
No - if he has a widow, then he's dead. And dead people can't get married. |
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| My answer is only two words. To keep me, you must give me. What is it? |
Your word. |
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| This old one runs forever, but never moves at all. He has not lungs nor throat, but still a mighty roaring call. What is it? |
A waterfall. |
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| Solve this Letter Equation: T the M was the T S B O M in 1998 |
Titanic the movie was the top selling box office movie in 1998. |
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| Lighter than what I'm made of, more of me is hidden than is seen. What am I? |
An iceberg. |
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| What ancient invention, still used in some parts of the world today, allows people to see through walls? |
A window. |
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| I have a big mouth and I am also quite loud. I am not a gossip but I do get involved with everyone's dirty business. What am I? |
A vacuum cleaner. |
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| Often held but never touched; always wet but never rusts; often bites but seldom bit; to use me well you must have wit. What am I? |
A tongue. |
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| Little Nanny Etticoat in a white petticoat, and a red nose. The longer she stands, the shorter she grows. What is she? |
A candle. |
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| What goes through the door without pinching itself, sits on the stove without burning itself, and sits on the table and is not ashamed? |
The sun. |
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| At the sound of me, men may dream or stamp their feet. At the sound of me, women may laugh or sometimes weep. What am I? |
Music. |
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| My life can be measured in hours. I serve by being devoured. Wind is my foe. Thin, I am quick; Fat, I am slow. What am I? |
The wax of a candle. |
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| The higher I climb, the hotter I engage. I cannot escape my crystal cage. What am I? |
Mercury in a thermometer. |
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| What's another name for a teacher's assistant? |
A grade aid. |
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| Why was the archaeologist upset? |
His job was in ruins. |
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| Why does the Mississippi meander around so much? |
Even though it has four eyes, it still can't see. |
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| What's the opposite of wood? |
Wouldn't. |
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| Why did the captain of the track team do so well in English? |
He was a speed reader. |
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| Why did the Pastor walk into Church on his hands? |
It was Palm Sunday. |
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| What does Dracula have in common with a vegetarian? |
He considers a stake hazardous to his health. |
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| What did the cereal say to the juice at breakfast? |
She proposed a toast. |
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| What did the professor say as his glass eye slid down the drain? |
"I've lost another pupil." |
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| What does a skeleton serve his dinner on? |
Bone china. |
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| Where do smart frankfurters end up? |
On the honour roll. |
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| What's a boxer's favourite part of a joe-k? |
The punch line. |
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| What was the speed limit in ancient Egypt? |
Sixty Niles per hour. |
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| Which letter is hard of hearing? |
A. |
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| What is good about poisonous snakes? |
They have poisonality. |
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| Bill drove all the way from Vancouver to Winnipeg without realizing his car had a flat tire, but arrived safely with four fully inflated tires. How? |
The flat tire was Bill's spare, which was in his trunk the whole time. |
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| Why do bats have long, sharp teeth? |
So they can fang upside down. |
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| What's the best tasting storm? |
A blizzard. |
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| What runs around a yard but never moves? |
A fence. |
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| What do you call a window in a palace? |
A royal pane. |
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| What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? |
A Jolly Green Giant. |
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| Why is an Irish river rich? |
Because it has two banks. |
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| When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? |
When it's a French fry. |
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| Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? |
Because they wear green. |
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| What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? |
A sham rock. |
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| What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish? |
Paddy 'O'Furniture. |
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| Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus? |
He ended up in a flea circus. |
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| What's the difference between a dressmaker and a nurse? |
One cuts the dresses; the other dresses the cuts. |
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| What did the waiter say when the diner complained about a twig in his soup? |
"Just a moment, sir. I'll call the branch manager." |
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| What did the Dentist say to the liar who wouldn't show his cavity? |
"Tell me the tooth!" |
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| What bird is the biggest coward? |
A canary because it's yellow. |
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| What was Noah's wife's name? |
She had Noah name. |
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| How does money talk? |
It says good-bye. |
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| What kind of television program tells you who just broke an arm or leg? |
A newscast. |
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| Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? |
He fell in love with a pincushion. |
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| What did the Doctor say when the Nurse told him that there was an invisible man in the waiting room? |
"Tell him I can't see him." |
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| What do you call an American drawing? |
Yankee Doodle. |
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| Why did the opera singer have such a high voice? |
She had falsetto teeth. |
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| What do farmers use to guard their prize pumpkins? |
Body-gourds. |
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| Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella? |
He wanted to put something by for a rainy day. |
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| What's the definition of a Canadian? |
An unarmed American with health care. |
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| How do you make metric coffee? |
In a percoliter. |
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| How do you feel after a Doctor sticks a needle into you? |
Holier. |
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| What would happen if you swallowed a dress? |
You'd have a frock in your throat. |
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| Why was the pirate such an amazing boxer? |
Because of his left hook. |
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| What do you call a man who can't stand up? |
Neil. |
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| Where do pianists go on holiday? |
To the Florida Keys. |
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