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| What's the difference between a dog with fleas and a person going on vacation? |
One is going to itch, and the other is itching to go. |
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| Did you hear about the vampire who was a failure? |
He fainted at the sight of blood. |
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| Which fish can slide across ice? |
The skate. |
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| What's big, green and can't fly? |
A field. |
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| How do you get rid of termites? |
Exterminite them. |
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| Why was the musician arrested? |
He got in treble. |
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| Where do boarders keep their winnings? |
In a snowbank. |
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| Why couldn't the geometry teacher walk? |
He had a sprained angle. |
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| What do you take when you have a phone in the bathroom? |
Babble baths. |
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| What did one light bulb say to the other? |
"I love you a whole watt!" |
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| What do you call two birds in love? |
Tweethearts. |
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| What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? |
He gives it a valenshine. |
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| Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? |
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small. |
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| What did the painter say to her boyfriend on Valentine's Day? |
"I love you with all my art!" |
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| What would you get if you crossed Bubba with the God of love? |
A stupid cupid. |
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| What car runs on electricity? |
A Voltswagen. |
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| What car can't stop crying? |
A Saab. |
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| What do secret agents invest their money in? |
James Bonds. |
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| What kind of bears like to bask in the sunshine? |
Solar bears. |
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| How many dead people are there in a cemetery? |
All of them. |
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| What did the penny say to the dime? |
"Why don't I have more cents?" |
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| What side of a tree does moss grow on? |
The outside. |
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| What do you call six stones with electric guitars? |
A rock group. |
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| What does a karate expert wear to hold up his black pants? |
His black belt. |
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| What do elephants have that no other animal does? |
Baby elephants. |
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| What time of day is a Palindrome (the same spelled backward or forward)? |
Noon. |
corresponding 'Same Time' puzzle @ suJoku.com
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| What did the numbers call the new room in their house? |
Their addition. |
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| What do you call a sheep without legs? |
A cloud. |
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| Did you hear the one about the foot fungus? |
It grows on you. |
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| Why do your eyes look different after being to an eye doctor? |
Because they have been checked. |
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| An electric train was going east at 25 MPH. The wind was going west at 35 MPH. Which way was the smoke blowing? |
Electric trains don't blow smoke. |
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| What flowers do you send Pinocchio? |
Lie-lacs. |
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| What do you get if an axe hits your head? |
A splitting headache. |
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| Is it better for a woman to love a short or a tall man? |
Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. |
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| What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left over? |
Wholesome. |
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| Which is the next letter in this sequence? E N T J Q K ? |
A - The sequence is the first letters of playing cards beginning from Eight. |
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| What lives on its own substance, and dies when it devours itself? |
A candle. |
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| What odd number becomes even when beheaded? |
Seven (s / even). |
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| What do you get when you cross Cinderella with a rabbit? |
A hare ball. |
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| Why is a caterpillar able to wait patiently in her cocoon? |
Because she knows she'll be out in a moth or so. |
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| What kind of bike does a washing machine ride? |
A spin cycle. |
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| Why couldn't the Newfie write the number 11? |
He couldn't figure out which one went first. |
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| What's the difference between a cattle herder and a locomotive driver? |
One trains the steers; the other steers the trains. |
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| What radio has a crewcut? |
A short-wave radio. |
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| When does a house know that something is wrong? |
When it gets a lot of stairs. |
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| Where do baby trees go to school? |
To a tree nursery. |
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| What do baby spies play with? |
Ploy toys. |
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| Where are good products manufactured? |
At a satis-factory. |
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| How did the escaped prisoner get rid of the bloodhounds that were trailing him? |
He threw a penny into the river, and they followed the cent. |
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| What goes all over the country but never moves? |
The road. |
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| What sport do astronauts play? |
Spaceball. |
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| In Cimarron County, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man without a wooden leg. Why not? |
You have to take a picture of a man with a camera. |
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| What school is named after a farm animal? |
Oxford. |
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| What kind of pet is found in cars? |
A carpet. |
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| I am a rock group that has four members, all of whom are dead, one of which was assassinated. What am I? |
Mt. Rushmore. |
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| I live above a star, but do not burn. I have 11 friends that do not turn. My initials are PRG. What am I? |
The number 7 on a touch-tone telephone. |
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| If your Uncle's sister is not your Aunt, what relation is she to you? |
Your mother. |
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| What is more useful when it is broken? |
An egg. |
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| What do marathon runners with bad footwear suffer from? |
Agony of da feet. |
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| You are thief that has been sentenced to death. But because it's New Years Day, the King lets you choose your own way to die. What would you choose? |
To die of old age. |
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| What's the largest can in the world? |
Canada. |
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| What time of day was Adam created? |
Just a little before Eve. |
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| In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year? |
They fall in the same year every year - New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year. |
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| Why did the Church call a Doctor? |
Because it had a bad organ. |
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| Why is ice blue? |
It always has a cold. |
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| What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar? |
Buck teeth. |
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| What must you do before getting off a bus? |
Get on it. |
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| What did the window cleaner's wife get for Christmas? |
A ladder in her stocking |
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| Which burn longer: the candles (i) on a Christmas cake; (ii) on a fruit cake or (iii) on the mantle of a fireplace? |
They all burn shorter. |
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| How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? |
He felt his presents. |
see also corresponding 'Luke Skywalker Christmas' Riddle Sudoku
Star Wars Christmas
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| What did Adam say to Eve in the Garden of Eden on the night before Christmas? |
'It's Christmas, Eve!' |
corresponding 'Garden Of Eden Christmas' puzzle @ suJoku.com
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| What does the Christmas tree stand for? |
It would take too much room lying down. |
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| What Christmas Carol is a favourite of parents? |
Silent Night. |
corresponding 'Favourite Christmas Carol' puzzle @ suJoku.com
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| Where do scoundrels enlist? |
In the Knave-y. |
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| What nationality is Santa Claus? |
North Polish. |
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| What dog stars in the Christmas nativity scene? |
A German 'Shepherd'. |
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| Where do bad joe-ks serve time? |
In the pun-itentiary. |
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| What do you get when you cross a pirate with Santa Claus? |
Yo ho ho ho! |
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| When do mothers have baby boys? |
On Son-days. |
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| When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving? |
In the dictionary |
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| How do sheep greet each other at Christmas? |
A Merry Christmas to Ewe! |
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| What did the weatherman get when he stepped outside into a storm? |
A cold front. |
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| What's the best way to stop a runaway horse? |
Bet on it. |
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| What kind of coat can you put on a Christmas toy only when its wet? |
A coat of paint. |
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| What is the most dangerous candy in a candy shop? |
Spearmint. |
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| If a telegraph operator from California married a telephone operator from Arizona, what would they become? |
A western union. |
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| What contains more feet in winter than in summer? |
A skating rink. |
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| Why is a wedding ring like a tourniquet for a bachelor? |
It stops his circulation. |
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| What do you call an underground British train of professors? |
A tube of smarties. |
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| Why was the artist arrested for graffiti? |
He had to draw the line somewhere! |
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| What goes through a door but never goes in or out? |
A keyhole. |
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| When is a piece of wood like a queen? |
When it's made into a ruler. |
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| If there are ten flies on a table and you kill one, how many are left? |
One - the others will fly away. |
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| When police arrived at the scene of the crime, how did they know that the letters, not the numbers, were innocent? |
It just didn't add up. |
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| What did the politically correct yodeler say? |
"Yodo-ley-he-whom". |
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| What's the store policy at the Pirate Shop? |
"You buy it, you break it." |
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| What kind of cot can’t you sleep in? |
An apricot. |
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| What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? |
Anyone can mash potatoes. |
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| What can you keep and give away at the same time? |
A cold. |
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