| |
|
|
| What's the hardest work some people do before breakfast? |
Getting up. |
| |
| What's the best snack to eat in a swamp? |
Marshmallows. |
| |
| What's the best fuel to put in a lawn mower? |
Grassoline. |
| |
| What is the most foolish part of a tree? |
The sap. |
| |
| Who won first prize at the beauty contest? |
The winner. |
| |
| If every dog has his day, what does a dog with a broken tail have? |
A weekend. |
| |
| How do you catch a fairy? |
By its fairy tail. |
| |
| What do scientists do after they discover a new gene? |
They cell-ebrate. |
| |
| How many Doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? |
Depends on whether it has health insurance. |
| |
| How do you call an electrician? |
Reverse the charges. |
| |
| What do electricians do when they go broke? |
They wire for money. |
| |
| What do planets use to download music? |
Neptunes. |
| |
| How can you prove that a horse has six legs? |
A horse has four legs (forelegs) in front and two behind. |
| |
| How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other? |
Hi. I'm better than you. |
| |
| What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers? |
Nuclear fission. |
| |
| When do you go at red and stop at green? |
When you're eating watermelon. |
| |
| What starts with 'E', ends with 'E' and contains only one letter? |
An envelope. |
| |
| Did you hear about the overweight ballerina? |
She had to wear a three-three. |
| |
| How do crazy people go through the forest? |
They take the psycho path. |
| |
| Did you hear the joe-k about the roof? |
Never mind, it's over your head. |
| |
| Have you ever seen a line drive? |
No, but I've seen a ballpark. |
| |
| What do anteaters have that other animals don't have? |
Baby anteaters |
| |
| How do baby birds learn how to fly? |
They wing it. |
| |
| A man rode into town on Friday, stayed for 5 days, and then rode home on Friday. How is this possible? |
His horse was named Friday. |
| |
| What is at the end of everything? |
The letter 'g' |
| |
| Where do you go if you become at one with your computer? |
Nerdvana |
| |
| What do you call a Mom or Dad you can see through? |
Transparent |
| |
| On what nuts can pictures hang? |
on Wall-nuts |
| |
| New or fresh; add two letters & you get this adjective for an early inhabitant of Australia. |
Original and Aboriginal. |
| |
| Add two letters to this term for a small house in the woods & you get this piece of woodwork inside it. |
Cabin and Cabinet. |
| |
| It's the season to which you add two letters to get this last name of Cincinnati's mayor in 1977. |
Spring and Springer. |
| |
| The wood used to immobilize a fractured bone; and two letters later, the less painful result of part of it in your skin. |
Splint and Splinter. |
| |
| To seep slowly through a hole, add two letters & you nap through the entire ordeal. |
Ooze and Snooze. |
| |
| What was the total number of each animal that Moses took on the ark with him during the great flood? |
Zero. Moses didn't go on the ark - it was Noah. |
| |
| What's a cyclop's motto? |
Stare and stare alike. |
| |
| What's a mink's motto? |
It at fur you don't succeed, try, try again. |
| |
| What animal has more lives than the cat? |
A frog - it croaks every night. |
| |
| How do you make a Canadian happy in his old age? |
Tell him joe-ks when he is still young. |
| |
| Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe? |
A little food goes a long way. |
| |
| Where is the best place to build offices for opticians and optometrists? |
On a site for sore eyes. |
| |
| What animal would you like to be on a cold day? |
A little 'otter. |
| |
| What travels around the earth without using a single drop of fuel? |
The moon. |
| |
| What dog smells of onions? |
A hot dog. |
| |
| Does the moon affect the tide? |
No, only the untied. |
| |
| What can one not hold, two pass, and three destroy? |
A secret. |
| |
| What's a hockey team's motto? |
The puck stops here. |
| |
| What's a soap company's motto? |
Grime does not pay. |
| |
| What's a skunk's motto? |
Eat, stink, and be merry. |
| |
| What's a cautious caterpillar's motto? |
Look before you creep. |
| |
| What is a marathon runner's motto? |
He who hesitates is last. |
| |
| What's a witch's motto? |
Demons are a ghoul's best friend. |
| |
| What was Bonnie and Clyde's motto? |
Crime is money. |
| |
| What's a baby's motto? |
If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again. |
| |
| What's a justice of the peace's motto? |
Eat, drink, and be married. |
| |
| What is a sheepherder's motto? |
Shear and shear alike. |
| |
| What's the Roadrunner's motto? |
Look before you beep. |
| |
| What's a werewolf's motto? |
Eat, drink, and be hairy. |
| |
| What's a sheep's motto? |
All's wool that ends wool. |
| |
| What's the North Wind's motto? |
Breezy come, breezy go. |
| |
| What's a gardener's motto? |
A peony saved is a peony earned. |
| |
| What's a 747's motto? |
"If at first you don't succeed, fly, fly again!" |
| |
| What's a horse's motto? |
You get what you neigh for. |
| |
| What's a ghost's motto? |
Scare and scare alike. |
| |
| What's a con artist's motto? |
Cheat, drink, and be merry. |
| |
| What's Rapunzel's motto? |
"Easy comb, easy grow." |
| |
| What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? |
A Jolly Green Giant. |
| |
| Why is an Irish river rich? |
Because it has two banks. |
| |
| How does an Irish potato change its nationality? |
It gets French-fried. |
| |
| When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? |
When it's a French fry. |
| |
| Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? |
Because they wear green. |
| |
| What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish? |
Paddy 'O'Furniture. |
| |
| How many Irish people does it take to change a lightbulb? |
One to hold it and 255 to turn the room. |
| |
| What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? |
A sham rock. |
| |
| What's Pinocchio's motto? |
"No nose is good nose!" |
| |
| What's a sculptor's motto? |
All work and no clay makes Jack a dull boy. |
| |
| What's the Tinman's motto? |
Oil's well that ends well. |
| |
| What's a barber's motto? |
Hairy today, gone tomorrow. |
| |
| What's Dr. Pepper's motto? |
Thirst come, thirst served. |
| |
| What's a boxer's motto? |
If at fist you don't succeed, try, try again. |
| |
| What car runs underwater? |
A Scubaru. |
Car sales took a nose dive this winter
|
| |
| When will a net hold water? |
When the water turns to ice. |
| |
| What do you call a Doctor who melts in the sun? |
A plastic surgeon. |
| |
| A nickel and a dime were crossing a bridge, and the nickel fell off. Why didn't the dime fall too? |
The dime had more cents than the nickel. |
| |
| How do you warm up a room after it's been painted? |
Give it a second coat. |
| |
| How many babysitters does it take to change a lightbulb? |
None - lightbulbs don't wear diapers. |
| |
| What has a head and a foot but no arms? |
A bed. |
| |
| What do DVD players and dogs have in common? |
They both have pause. |
| |
| Where did your parents compose complaints? |
On a gripewriter. |
| |
| Why shouldn't you sweep out a room? |
The job is too big - just sweep out the dirt, and leave the room alone. |
| |
| What kind of shoes do gas station attendants wear with dresses? |
Pumps. |
| |
| What has many stories but no windows? |
A bookcase. |
| |
| Why are misers good math teachers? |
They know how to make every penny count. |
| |
| What do you say to a blue heron? |
'Lighten up!' |
| |
| What's the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings? |
A difference of a pinion. |
| |
| What time would it be if you gave twenty-five cents to a couple of panhandlers? |
A quarter to two. |
| |
| What's the difference between a lawnmower and a set of bagpipes? |
You can tune a lawnmower. |
| |
| Why is cream more expensive than milk? |
Cows have to be paid extra for squatting over little bottles. |
| |
| What's the difference between a Canadian and an Australian bison? |
The Canadian bison is a large, hairy animal with four legs.
An Australian bison is something you wash your hands in. |
| |
| How do you spell relief? |
F-A-R-T |
| |
| How can you make varnish disappear? |
Take out the letter 'r'. |
| |
| |
1 2 3 4 5 |    |
|
