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| Why did the classical composer suddenly leave the grocery store? |
He forgot his Chopin Liszt. |
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| What do you call meteorites that don't hit the Earth? |
Meteorwrongs. |
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| How do you throw the best bash in the universe? |
Planet. |
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| What's the hardest work some people do before breakfast? |
Getting up. |
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| What's the best snack to eat in a swamp? |
Marshmallows. |
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| What's the best fuel to put in a lawn mower? |
Grassoline. |
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| What is the most foolish part of a tree? |
The sap. |
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| Who won first prize at the beauty contest? |
The winner. |
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| If every dog has his day, what does a dog with a broken tail have? |
A weekend. |
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| How do you catch a fairy? |
By its fairy tail. |
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| What do scientists do after they discover a new gene? |
They cell-ebrate. |
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| How many Doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? |
Depends on whether it has health insurance. |
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| How do you call an electrician? |
Reverse the charges. |
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| What do electricians do when they go broke? |
They wire for money. |
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| What do planets use to download music? |
Neptunes. |
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| How can you prove that a horse has six legs? |
A horse has four legs (forelegs) in front and two behind. |
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| How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other? |
Hi. I'm better than you. |
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| What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers? |
Nuclear fission. |
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| When do you go at red and stop at green? |
When you're eating watermelon. |
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| What starts with 'E', ends with 'E' and contains only one letter? |
An envelope. |
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| Did you hear about the overweight ballerina? |
She had to wear a three-three. |
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| How do crazy people go through the forest? |
They take the psycho path. |
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| Did you hear the joe-k about the roof? |
Never mind, it's over your head. |
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| Have you ever seen a line drive? |
No, but I've seen a ballpark. |
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| What do anteaters have that other animals don't have? |
Baby anteaters |
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| How do baby birds learn how to fly? |
They wing it. |
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| A man rode into town on Friday, stayed for 5 days, and then rode home on Friday. How is this possible? |
His horse was named Friday. |
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| What is at the end of everything? |
The letter 'g' |
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| Where do you go if you become at one with your computer? |
Nerdvana |
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| What do you call a Mom or Dad you can see through? |
Transparent |
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| On what nuts can pictures hang? |
on Wall-nuts |
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| New or fresh; add two letters & you get this adjective for an early inhabitant of Australia. |
Original and Aboriginal. |
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| Add two letters to this term for a small house in the woods & you get this piece of woodwork inside it. |
Cabin and Cabinet. |
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| It's the season to which you add two letters to get this last name of Cincinnati's mayor in 1977. |
Spring and Springer. |
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| The wood used to immobilize a fractured bone; and two letters later, the less painful result of part of it in your skin. |
Splint and Splinter. |
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| To seep slowly through a hole, add two letters & you nap through the entire ordeal. |
Ooze and Snooze. |
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| What was the total number of each animal that Moses took on the ark with him during the great flood? |
Zero. Moses didn't go on the ark - it was Noah. |
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| What's a cyclop's motto? |
Stare and stare alike. |
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| What's a mink's motto? |
It at fur you don't succeed, try, try again. |
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| What animal has more lives than the cat? |
A frog - it croaks every night. |
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| How do you make a Canadian happy in his old age? |
Tell him joe-ks when he is still young. |
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| Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe? |
A little food goes a long way. |
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| Where is the best place to build offices for opticians and optometrists? |
On a site for sore eyes. |
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| What animal would you like to be on a cold day? |
A little 'otter. |
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| What travels around the earth without using a single drop of fuel? |
The moon. |
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| What dog smells of onions? |
A hot dog. |
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| Does the moon affect the tide? |
No, only the untied. |
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| What can one not hold, two pass, and three destroy? |
A secret. |
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| What's a hockey team's motto? |
The puck stops here. |
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| What's a soap company's motto? |
Grime does not pay. |
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| What's a skunk's motto? |
Eat, stink, and be merry. |
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| What's a cautious caterpillar's motto? |
Look before you creep. |
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| What is a marathon runner's motto? |
He who hesitates is last. |
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| What's a witch's motto? |
Demons are a ghoul's best friend. |
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| What was Bonnie and Clyde's motto? |
Crime is money. |
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| What's a baby's motto? |
If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again. |
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| What's a justice of the peace's motto? |
Eat, drink, and be married. |
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| What is a sheepherder's motto? |
Shear and shear alike. |
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| What's the Roadrunner's motto? |
Look before you beep. |
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| What's a werewolf's motto? |
Eat, drink, and be hairy. |
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| What's a sheep's motto? |
All's wool that ends wool. |
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| What's the North Wind's motto? |
Breezy come, breezy go. |
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| What's a gardener's motto? |
A peony saved is a peony earned. |
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| What's a 747's motto? |
"If at first you don't succeed, fly, fly again!" |
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| What's a horse's motto? |
You get what you neigh for. |
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| What's a ghost's motto? |
Scare and scare alike. |
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| What's a con artist's motto? |
Cheat, drink, and be merry. |
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| What's Rapunzel's motto? |
"Easy comb, easy grow." |
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| What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? |
A Jolly Green Giant. |
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| Why is an Irish river rich? |
Because it has two banks. |
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| How does an Irish potato change its nationality? |
It gets French-fried. |
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| When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? |
When it's a French fry. |
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| Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? |
Because they wear green. |
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| What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish? |
Paddy 'O'Furniture. |
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| How many Irish people does it take to change a lightbulb? |
One to hold it and 255 to turn the room. |
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| What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? |
A sham rock. |
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| What's Pinocchio's motto? |
"No nose is good nose!" |
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| What's a sculptor's motto? |
All work and no clay makes Jack a dull boy. |
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| What's the Tinman's motto? |
Oil's well that ends well. |
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| What's a barber's motto? |
Hairy today, gone tomorrow. |
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| What's Dr. Pepper's motto? |
Thirst come, thirst served. |
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| What's a boxer's motto? |
If at fist you don't succeed, try, try again. |
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| What car runs underwater? |
A Scubaru. |
Car sales took a nose dive this winter
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| When will a net hold water? |
When the water turns to ice. |
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| What do you call a Doctor who melts in the sun? |
A plastic surgeon. |
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| A nickel and a dime were crossing a bridge, and the nickel fell off. Why didn't the dime fall too? |
The dime had more cents than the nickel. |
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| How do you warm up a room after it's been painted? |
Give it a second coat. |
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| How many babysitters does it take to change a lightbulb? |
None - lightbulbs don't wear diapers. |
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| What has a head and a foot but no arms? |
A bed. |
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| What do DVD players and dogs have in common? |
They both have pause. |
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| Where did your parents compose complaints? |
On a gripewriter. |
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| Why shouldn't you sweep out a room? |
The job is too big - just sweep out the dirt, and leave the room alone. |
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| What kind of shoes do gas station attendants wear with dresses? |
Pumps. |
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| What has many stories but no windows? |
A bookcase. |
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| Why are misers good math teachers? |
They know how to make every penny count. |
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| What do you say to a blue heron? |
'Lighten up!' |
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| What's the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings? |
A difference of a pinion. |
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| What time would it be if you gave twenty-five cents to a couple of panhandlers? |
A quarter to two. |
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| What's the difference between a lawnmower and a set of bagpipes? |
You can tune a lawnmower. |
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| Why is cream more expensive than milk? |
Cows have to be paid extra for squatting over little bottles. |
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