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I have a big mouth and I am also quite loud. I am not a gossip but I do get involved with everyone's dirty business. What am I?
 
Often held but never touched; always wet but never rusts; often bites but seldom bit; to use me well you must have wit. What am I?
 
What goes through the door without pinching itself, sits on the stove without burning itself, and sits on the table and is not ashamed?
 
Why did the Pastor walk into Church on his hands?
 
Lighter than what I'm made of, more of me is hidden than is seen. What am I?
 
Little Nanny Etticoat in a white petticoat, and a red nose. The longer she stands, the shorter she grows. What is she?
 
At the sound of me, men may dream or stamp their feet. At the sound of me, women may laugh or sometimes weep. What am I?
 
Why did the captain of the track team do so well in English?
 
My life can be measured in hours. I serve by being devoured. Wind is my foe. Thin, I am quick; Fat, I am slow. What am I?
 
Why was the archaeologist upset?
 
What's another name for a teacher's assistant?
 
Why does the Mississippi meander around so much?
 
What does Dracula have in common with a vegetarian?
 
What does a skeleton serve his dinner on?
 
What did the Dentist say to the liar who wouldn't show his cavity?
 
Why did the opera singer have such a high voice?
 
What kind of television program tells you who just broke an arm or leg?
 
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
 
How do you make metric coffee?
 
What's the difference between a dog with fleas and a person going on vacation?
 
Why was the invisible man depressed?
 
How do you feel after a Doctor sticks a needle into you?
 
Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
 
Why was the pirate such an amazing boxer?
 
What's the definition of a Canadian?
 
Did you hear about the vampire who was a failure?
 
How do you get rid of termites?
 
Why couldn't the geometry teacher walk?
 
What kind of teeth can't be trusted?
 
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
 
What's a soap company's motto?
 
What's a ghost's motto?
 
What's the Tinman's motto?
 
Why is cream more expensive than milk?
 
What can you hold in your right hand that you can't hold in your left hand?
 
Why do cows have bells?
 
Why did the baker take a raisin to the movie?
 
Where do pianists go on holiday?
 
What do you call a guy who puts his right hand into the mouth of a shark?
 
What do you call a kitten that eats too much?
 
What's the difference between a football player and a duck?
 
What did the Princess say when her photos didn't arrive?
 
What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?
 
It takes 12 one-cent stamps to make a dozen. How many six-cent stamps does it take to make a dozen?
 
What did the Priest say to the door salesman?
 
What did the weatherman get when he stepped outside into a storm?
 
Where did Albert Einstein keep his fish?
 
The more you take, the more you leave behind - what is it?
 
How many Rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
 
Golf pros agree it's the best way to get extra distance on your drives every time.
 
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
 
What do you call a necktie salesman who earns a million dollars?
 
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off a boat?
 
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
 
What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
 
What operation does a Doctor perform on himself?
 
What's the hardest work some people do before breakfast?
 
What's the best way to avoid fallen arches?
 
What's the best way to carve wood?
 
When things seem to go wrong, what can you always count on?
 
Which clock works best - the one that loses a minute a day, or the one that doesn't work at all?
 
What coat is put on only when it is wet?
 
A man was found dead in a field of snow. The only tracks that were left were a set of footprints between two parallel lines. Who should the police be looking for?
 
Will Smith gives someone a dollar. Will is this person's brother, but the person is not Will's brother. How can that be?
 
What word contains all of the twenty six letters?
 
With the head of an elephant, and the tail of a monkey, my touch can be deadly if you're unlucky. I'm an excellent swimmer, but if you wet me I'll holler. And racing me would be pure folly. What am I?
 
The sun bakes them, the hand breaks them, the foot treads on them, and the mouth tastes them. What are they?
 
My second is performed by my first, and, it is thought, a thief by the marks of my whole might be caught. What am I?
 
Why are cowboys bad at math?
 
Joe walks into a restaurant for lunch. He asks the waitress if she is good at solving puzzles. She replies, "I am the best." So Joe says, "I'll have sausage and noodles drenched with ice cream, hashed. And if you bring me what I really want, I'll leave you a $100 tip." A few minutes later she brought him exactly what he wanted, and he left her the large tip. What did Joe eat for lunch?
 
What do you call a man who does everything at top speed?
 
How fast does light travel?
 
Why are people always tired on the first of April?
 
What do wicked chickens lay?
 
What happened to the Indian that had too much tea to drink one night?
 
What do you call a jail for smart people?
 
What do you call an empty skull?
 
Which drink is found in the alphabet?
 
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
 
What is greater than God, more evil than Satan? The poor have it, the rich need it. And if you eat it, you'll die. What is it?
 
How did the puppy stop the DVD?
 
What's the North Wind's motto?
 
What's a 747's motto?
 
What's Pinocchio's motto?
 
How do you warm up a room after it's been painted?
 
Why are misers good math teachers?
 
How can you make varnish disappear?
 
What can go over the water and through the water without getting wet?
 
What do you call someone whose name was once Lee?
 
What kind of running means walking?
 
Where is the best place to see a man-eating fish?
 
Who are the best letter writers?
 
Why was six unhappy?
 
What doesn't exist but has a name?
 
How do you sell calendars?
 
What demands an answer without asking a question?
 
What is appropriate material for an inventor to wear?
 
What kind of bulbs don't need water?
 
What can you drown in, but not get wet in?
 
What happens when a body is placed in water?
 
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28-Jun-2017

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