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| How do you make a weather vane? |
Keep giving it compliments |
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| What part of the house has a heartbeat and breathes? |
The living room |
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| How does a person who cremates bodies make his money? |
He urns it |
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| What kind of clothes does a house wear? |
Address |
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| What word has the most letters in it? |
Mailbox |
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| What's an eight letter word that only has one letter in it? |
Envelope |
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| What is H204? |
Drinking |
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| What has a bottom at the top? |
Your legs. |
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| What relaxes a chess player? |
Taking a knight off |
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| When is the best time to milk a cow? |
When she's in the moo-d |
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| What did Mary have when she went out for dinner? |
Everybody knows that Mary had a little lamb |
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| Where was the first french fry made? |
In Grease |
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| How many sides does a circle have? |
Two - the inside and the outside |
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| What's the difference between here and there? |
The letter "T" |
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| What question can a person ask all day long, getting a different answer each time, yet all the answers are correct? What time is it? |
0 |
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| Why is a slippery sidewalk like music? |
If you don't C Sharp, you'll B Flat |
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| If all the numbers hold a race, who will win? |
Only 1 wins |
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| What can you say about a depressed dentist? |
That he's down in the mouth |
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| What flower does everyone have? |
Tulips. |
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| You have an oil lamp, a stove and a fireplace - which do you light first? |
A match |
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| What pipe never smokes? |
A bagpipe |
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| Which books teach you how to fight? |
Scrapbooks |
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| Why is a fisherman more honest than a shepherd? |
A fisherman lives by hook and a shepherd lives by crook |
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| How can you get a cow into a frying pan? |
Use shortening |
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| What's the best way to save face? |
Keep the bottom half shut. |
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| What goes 'Mark!'? |
A dog with a hare lip |
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| How many sides does a house have? |
Two - inside and outside. |
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| What can you serve but never eat? |
A volleyball |
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| If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? |
A bagel |
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| What's black when clean and white when dirty? |
A blackboard |
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| Which two words in the English language have the most letters? |
Post Office |
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| What's in the middle of Paris? |
The letter 'R'. |
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| What time is it when 12 dogs chase a cat? |
Twelve after one |
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| What do hangmen read? |
Noosepapers |
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| What is dark but made out of light? |
A shadow. |
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| What type of fish do you find in a birdcage? |
A perch |
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| What's the difference between a hill and a pill? |
One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down |
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| Why did Henry VIII put ten pins on his lawn? |
He wanted to take Anne Boleyn |
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| What kind of nuts have no shells? |
Doughnuts |
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| Who settled in the West before anyone else? |
The sun. |
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| What stays hot in your refrigerator? |
A hot dog |
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| What always has its eye open but never sees anything? |
A needle |
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| Why is a cloud like a jockey? |
They both hold the rains |
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| Where do you find the most fish? |
Between the head and the tail |
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| A rooster sits on a barn roof. If it lays an egg, on which side will it roll off? |
Neither - roosters don't lay eggs. |
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| What kind of salad can you make with a cantaloupe and Lassie? |
Melancholy |
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| What is Cole's Law? |
Mostly it's thinly sliced cabbage |
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| What word is always pronounced incorrectly? |
Incorrectly |
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| What can you put in a box that will make it lighter? |
Holes. |
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| What bug can jump higher than a house? |
All of them - houses can't jump. |
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| What's red and white? |
Pink. |
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| What's brown and sounds like a bell? |
Dung |
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| If two's company, and three's a crowd, what are four and five? |
Nine |
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| How do fireflies learn their math? |
With flash cards |
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| Why is the sun hot? |
Because it's not cold |
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| What is Dracula's favourite fruit? |
Neck-tarines |
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| What place do worms like to visit the most? |
The Big Apple. |
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| If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? |
Pilgrims |
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| What's the difference between a baseball player and a crazy pilot? |
One bats flies, the other flies bats |
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| Who was the first man in space? |
The man in the moon |
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| What does an envelope say when you lick it? |
Nothing - it just shuts up |
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| What do you call a sunburn on your stomach? |
Pot roast |
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| Where do frogs sit? |
On toadstools. |
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| What paper makes you itch? |
Scratch paper |
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| Which flowers are the laziest? |
The ones that lie in beds |
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| What 4 letters does the dentist say to his patient? |
ICDK |
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| What's an astronaut's favourite drink? |
Gravi-tea |
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Two mothers and their two daughters were fishing.
They managed to catch one bass, one catfish, and one perch.
Since only three fish were caught, how is it possible that they each took home a fish? |
The fishing party consisted of three people. A grandmother, a mother and a daughter. The mother is both a mother and a daughter. |
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| What doesn't get any wetter no matter how much it rains? |
The ocean |
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| What kind of apple has a short temper? |
A crab apple |
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| What kind of star wears sunglasses? |
A movie star |
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| What piece of wood is like a king? |
A ruler. |
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| On what kind of ships do students study? |
Scholarships |
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| Why did the man bring a bag of feathers to the store? |
He wanted to make a down payment |
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| What's the best thing to drink during a marathon? |
Running water |
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| What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? |
A spelling bee |
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| What beverage is best for a golfer? |
Tea |
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| Why is a bride always unlucky on her wedding day? |
Because she does not marry the best man |
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| What is very light but can't be lifted? |
A bubble |
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| How many worms make a foot? |
Twelve inchworms. |
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| What can you put in a glass but never take out of it? |
A crack |
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| What colour is rain? |
Water colour |
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| What kind of artist can't you trust? |
A sculptor, because he's always chiseling |
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| What is a dance for two containers? |
The can-can |
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| What turns everything around but doesn't move? |
A mirror |
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| What kind of tie does a pig wear? |
A pigsty |
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| Why does your sense of touch suffer when you are ill? |
Because you don't feel well |
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| Why are cards like wolves? |
Both belong to a pack. |
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| What carries things but does not move? |
A shelf |
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| Why is the sea measured in knots? |
They keep the ocean tied |
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| Why is a lie like a wig? |
Because it is a false hood |
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| What did the valedictorian of the modeling school earn? |
The highest beauty mark |
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| What's the difference between the rising and the setting sun? |
A day |
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| How do you describe a tired kangaroo? |
Out of bounds |
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| When is an apple like a book? |
When it is red |
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| What was Noah doing in the kitchen? |
Preserving pears (pairs). |
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| When is a black dog not a black dog? |
When he's a greyhound. |
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| What does everyone overlook? |
Their nose |
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| Why was the theater crying? |
The seats were all in tiers |
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| What gets smaller the more you put in it? |
A hole in the ground |
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