Roasts

Celebrity roasts have been around since the 1920’s

When does a public speaker steal lumber?
What's the best way to improve a long speech?
How do you honour a chestnut?
Definition of a Short Speech: Thank you.
Definition of a Long Speech: Thank you very much.
What do you say to introduce a hamburger?
What do Martians roast at campfires?
What phrase is guaranteed to wake up an audience?

Who is a good candidate for a Roast?
If your first response was “a Redneck”, we suggest you look at our Redneck Humour! Whether it be for a birthday surprise, a retirement party or for some other occasion where one person is being honoured, a roast is perfect - as long as your guest of honor has a sense of humor!

How many people make for fun event?
On my 40th birthday, my friends roasted me, and there were ~ 30 to 40 people in the room. The worst teasing came from my brother, of all people, who let the crowd know that my mother liked him best... The more people in the room, the more ruckus there is... The more people who present, the more fun it is!

Do all the “roasts” and “toasts” have to be negative?
Absolutely not, but it seems like roasts and toasts are funnier when they insult the person. Dean Martin & Don Rickles used to host the ‘Friar’s Club’ roasts. They were televised, and all of the celebrities got up, one by one, and made fun of whoever was the night’s honouree. So, as long as the negative comments are not hurtful and are in good fun... anything goes.

Is anything off limits?
You don’t want to bring up past relationships that are still lingering, or talk about how many women a man has dated... if he’s there with someone new. You have to use common sense, and remember: this is about being humorous - all in good fun.


And now for the Roasts!

And if anybody out there doesn’t know what I’m talking about, then you must know how I feel!

After all, any friend of yours... is obviously a poor judge of character.

As for all your friends, they said you were out of this world. Oh, wait, I’m sorry - I meant “wished.”

At least you’re saving money on shampoo.

Before I introduce our guest of honour, I’d like to introduce several people who admire and revere him. And since there’s no one here like that, I’ll introduce him.

Being ugly is no crime. [To Roastee] Good thing too, otherwise you’d get the chair.

Brains aren’t everything. [To Roastee] Of course, in your case, they aren’t anything.

But we’re glad that [Roastee’s name] could be here tonight. Thankfully, someone left his cage open.

But you have to admit he grows on you... like a tumor.

Five Stages of a Female’s Life

He believes in a balanced diet: a beer in each hand.

He believes in good hygiene. He goes to the dentist twice a year... one time for each tooth.

He broke up with his last girlfriend because she wasn’t his type... inflatable.

He came up with a great invention - a smoke detector with a snooze alarm.

He came up with a parachute that opens on impact.

He can get carried away sometimes. The only problem is it’s never far enough.

He can’t die until the government finds a safe place to bury his liver.

He comes from a tightly knit family. His parents were very close. In fact, they were first cousins.

He could swallow a piece of coal and dump a diamond.

He doesn’t have the strongest grip on what’s going on. You might say his reality check bounced.

He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. But then he doesn’t know the meanings of most words.

He doesn’t put on airs. After all the holiday eating, he has enough trouble just putting on his pants.

He doesn’t suffer from stress... mainly because he’s a carrier.

He donated blood to the Red Cross, and they used it to sterilize the instruments.

He gets more clap than a really good juggler.

He got a mud pack once and looked great for a few days. But then the mud fell off.

He had a good idea once... but it died of loneliness.

He had to leave his last job due to illness. His boss got sick of him.

He hardly touches the stuff - it only takes one drink to get him drunk. Which one was it - the 15th? The 16th?

He has a great motto: If at first you don’t succeed, maybe skydiving isn’t for you.

He has a photographic memory. Unfortunately, there’s no film in it.

He has a really low opinion of others. He considers them equals.

He has a speech impediment - his foot.

He has a Titanic intellect. It sank the first time out.

He has a very noble purpose in life - to serve as a warning to others.

He has an answer for everything... the wrong one.

He has an inferiority complex... and it’s fully justified.

He has his head so far up his rear end he can chew his food again on the way down.

He has no equal. Everybody is better.

He has one simple motto: If at first you don’t succeed, that’s par for the course.

He has only one bad habit... breathing.

He has the face of a Saint... Bernard.

He has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl ... the eye of an eagle... Ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the birds!

He isn’t the kind of person to talk about you behind your back. He’ll stab you there, but he’ll never talk about you there.

He likes to put ice down his pants. It keeps the crabs fresh.

He makes onions cry.

He may be a vegetarian but he’s still full of baloney.

He may not look like much, but believe it or not he shows up many of the great thinkers of our age. Well, maybe I’m exaggerating. But at least he’s disproved Darwin’s theory of evolution.

He obviously doesn’t suffer from split personality. I mean, if he did, why would he use this one?

He often gets confused with a movie star... Chewbacca.

He once called the suicide hotline. They told him he was doing the right thing.

He once had a brain transplant, but the brain rejected him.

He once jumped up and made the CD player skip... at the radio station.

He once looked out a window and got arrested for mooning.

He once sent an order of sushi back and complained that it was undercooked.

He once took an IQ test and the results were negative.

He once went on a diet. Three hundred farmers declared bankruptcy.

He puts the FUN in dysFUNctional.

He started out with nothing... and still has most of it left.

He thinks a sanitary belt means drinking booze from a clean glass.

He thinks menopause is a button on a DVD player.

He thinks Meow Mix is a CD for cats.

He thinks Moby Dick is a kind of a venereal disease.

He thinks the Internet is something you catch fish in.

He thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

He told his kids Santa got killed in a midair collision so he wouldn’t have to buy them Christmas presents.

He tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in his nose.

He tries to overcompensate by combing his back hair over.

He turns the stove off when he flips the bacon.

He used to be arrogant and obnoxious, but now he’s just the opposite: he’s obnoxious and arrogant.

He used to have a handle on sanity... but it broke.

He used to have wavy hair... until the day it waved good-bye.

He wanted to be a pharmacist when he was a kid, but he didn’t know how to get the prescription bottles in the typewriter.

He was invited to join a car pool, and he showed up in a bathing suit.

He was such an ugly baby his mother tried to put him up for adoption and keep the placenta.

He was very active in high school sports. I’m not sure what position he played. I think the coach called him one of the team’s drawbacks.

He wasn’t breast-fed. His mother just wanted to be good friends.

He watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

He’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

He’s a guy who always speaks his mind... which explains the long silences.

He’s a light eater. Once it’s light, he begins eating.

He’s a real animal lover - at least he was until the court order.

He’s a real lady killer. They take one look at him and die of fright.

He’s about as useful as a sunroof in a submarine.

He’s afraid nobody will remember him when he’s gone. Gee, I can think of several reasons he’ll be remembered. He wouldn’t like any of them, but I can think of them.

He’s always been a swinger. Instead of an umbilical cord, he was born with a bungee cord.

He’s been described as open-minded... which is better than saying empty-headed.

He’s been known to do a lot of soul searching. So far, he hasn’t found one.

He’s good at everything he does. Unfortunately, he doesn’t do anything.

He’s got a tattoo on his head: “This space for rent.”

He’s got a Teflon brain... nothing sticks.

He’s never had a head cold in his life... because germs can’t live in a vacuum.

He’s not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

He’s not as bad as people think. He’s much worse.

He’s not exactly the most popular guy. The only place he ever gets invited to is outside.

He’s not intellectually challenged... provided you don’t ask him to spell “intellectually challenged.”

He’s not really cheap - he’s just saving for a rainy century.

He’s not the best at business either. If he bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

He’s not the most hygienic guy. He changes his underwear every thousand miles.

He’s not the most refined guy. I was at his house last week and asked him where the bathroom was. He said, “Pick a corner.”

He’s not too handy. He couldn’t fix his brakes, so he made his horn louder.

He’s one of the most colourful personalities I know. He’s green with envy, and there’s a yellow streak down his back.

He’s one of the world’s great lovers. All he needs is a partner.

He’s popular with astronomers. They put a lens in each ear, and, presto - they have a telescope.

He’s sensitive about his height, so don’t tease him about it... or he’ll punch you in the knee.

He’s slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

He’s so boring that sheep count him.

He’s so dense light bends around him.

He’s so dim that his psychic has to use a flashlight.

He’s so dubm he once climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

He’s so dubm he sits on the TV and watches the couch.

He’s so dubm that mind readers charge him only half price.

He’s so empty-headed he thinks people are always repeating themselves because of the echo.

He’s so lazy that he’s the only guy I know who doesn’t walk in his sleep. He hitchhikes.

He’s so old that his back goes out more than he does.

He’s so unlucky, if he ever found the blue bird of happiness, it would mistake him for a statue.

He’s such a lush that the last time he gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

He’s such a tight ass that when he farts only dogs can hear it.

He’s the epitome of dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.

He’s the kind of guy people enjoy running into... when they’re driving.

He’s the kind of guy who likes to let his mind wander. The only problem is it wandered off and never came back.

He’s the kind of guy who’s always got his ear to the ground. But enough about his drinking problem.

He’s the kind of guy who turns the other cheek... which is too bad, because it’s even uglier.

He’s very persuasive on major issues. For instance, people take one look at him, and just like that they’re in favour of abortion.

He’s worried nobody will remember him when he’s gone. I can think of several reasons why he’ll be remembered. He wouldn’t like any of them, but he’ll be remembered.

Hey, what do you expect from a guy who was born in an Edsel?

His blood type is Ragu.

His breath is so bad his dentist will only treat him over the phone.

His doctor once told him he wanted to give him a urine test... so he studied for three weeks.

His dog even has to fantasize about other legs when it humps his.

His dog has a sign: “Beware of my master.”

His fellow employees say he does the work of three men: Curly, Larry and Moe.

His gene pool could use a little chlorine.

His mind may have gone on vacation, but his mouth is still working overtime.

His mother once asked him to go get a colour TV, and he asked, “What colour?”

His nickname at work is Blister because he shows up only after the hard work is done.

His nose is so big kids are always trying to feed it peanuts.

His parents loved him right from the start. When he was just one day old, his mother said, “What a treasure.” And his father said, “Yeah, let’s bury it.”

His rear end is so fat they still haven’t found the last chair he was sitting on.

His solar panels are aimed at the moon.

His teacher once told the class to make a family tree... so he went outside and got some leaves.

His teeth are like stars. They come out at night.

His train of thought derailed at the station.

I don’t care if people do think you’re ugly. I’d still like a picture of you. I want to tape it to my fork to help me lose weight.

I don’t know what his problem is, but I’m sure it’s hard to pronounce and untreatable.

I don’t like him - and I always will.

I don’t want to say he’s immature, but the man can cuss like a 10-year-old.

I don’t want you thinking he’s an alcoholic. He’s not. He can go hours without touching a drop.

I had to take a train and two buses just to get on his good side.

I hear his doctor once found traces of blood in his alcohol.

I knew this was going to be a good audience when I noticed all the tacky ones sat at the back.

I like the way you look. I even hung your picture from my rearview mirror. It keeps car thieves away.

I love the guy. I worship the quicksand he walks on.

I used to think he was a pain in the neck, but now I have a much lower opinion of him.

I want to tell you, people like [Roastee’s name] don’t grow on trees. They usually swing from them.

I wanted to check his family tree, and it cost me $5,000... $1,000 to look it up, and $4,000 to hush it up.

I wouldn’t say he’s hairy, but when he was born, his mother almost died of rug burns.

I wouldn’t say he’s ugly, but when he was born the doctor turned him over and said, “Look, twins.”

If brains were lard, he’d have to boil his bacon.

If brains were water, he couldn’t baptize a flea.

If he had half a brain, his rear end would be lopsided.

If he weighed five more pounds, he could get group insurance.

If they taxed intelligence, he’d get a hefty rebate.

In baker’s terms, he’s a little shy of a dozen. not much - just 12.

In case you’re wondering, she doesn’t have two Greek guys in a headlock. That’s her underarm hair.

In closing, I’d like to leave you with one thought... but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it.

It takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

I’d call him a moroff, but we’re here to roast him, not pay him compliments.

I’d like to introduce a man who never says a bad word about anybody. He doesn’t know anybody.

I’d rather have a dinner while I’m living, than a monument when I’m dead, for the dinner will be on my friends, while the monument would be on me.

I’ll never forget the first time I met [Roastee’s name]. But I’m hoping the therapy will eventually work.

I’m not here to say anything profound. I’m here to make a speech.

I’m not saying he was an unwanted child, but when he started school his mother told him, “If a strange man offers you candy to get into his car, go with him.”

I’m not saying he’s brain damaged, but he has to be watered twice a week.

I’m not saying he’s fat, but he once jumped up in midair... and got stuck.

I’m not saying he’s fat, but his driver’s license photo was taken with a satellite camera.

I’m not saying he’s short, but he once almost drowned in a puddle.

I’m not saying he’s stupid, but he never buys Hamburger Helper because he thinks you need another person to make it.

I’m not saying he’s ugly, but his mother had to put a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.

I’m short, but I compensate - by making my speeches long.

Isn’t he great? He really lights up a room... whenever he leaves it.

I’ve always tried to see things from his point of view. But I just can’t stick my head that far up my rear end.

I’ve seen prettier faces on a pirate flag.

It’s hard to believe that, out of millions of sperm, he was the fastest.

Let’s do something this weekend. What do you say I take you to the zoo? I could use the reward money.

Many of you think that [Roastee’s name] is a moroff who walks around all the time with nothing on his mind. That’s just not true. Sometimes he wears a hat.

May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

Not only are his parties ‘bring your own booze’ - you have to bring your own ice too.

Now I’d like to open the floor to questions. And since they never get a chance to speak, why don’t we start with the married men?

On your family tree... you’re the sap.

Once when he was younger he ran away from home. His parents sent him word that if he didn’t come back, all would be forgiven.

One good thing about him: he practices birth control - he leaves the light on.

One good thing about him: he’s not a hothead. Even his IQ is room temperature.

One good thing about your looks. They’re a good cure for hiccups.

Only woman I know who owns a mink coat with a picture of Brad Pitt on it.

Our next speaker could have been telling his joe-ks in (Calgary) tonight, but he chose to tell them here in (Edmonton) because of his high regard for the people of - (Calgary).

People would follow him anywhere - mostly out of morbid curiosity.

Say what you want about [Roastee’s name]. Sometimes we all need what only he can provide - his absence.

Seriously, [Roastee’s name] hasn’t been himself lately. Have you noticed the improvement?

She can out-talk an echo.

She likes to think of herself as a real siren. Actually, she’s more of a false alarm.

She once got stuck on a broken elevator.

She shaves her legs with that new feminine product... Lady Weed Whacker.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. [Roastee’s name] does the same thing... whenever he goes.

Some people climb the ladder of success. [Roastee’s name] walked under it.

Some say he suffers from insanity, but it’s not true. He enjoys it.

Speaking of dogs, if mine looked like you, I’d shave its butt and teach it to walk backward.

Success hasn’t changed this guy one bit... or even come anywhere near him, for that matter.

Talk about cheap. He has rubber pockets so he can steal soup.

That twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

The last time he felt a breast it was in a bucket of KFC.

There are several secrets to giving a good speech. That was not one of them.

There are those who appreciate [Roastee’s name]’s looks. I know of an office downtown where they put his picture up on the wall... right next to the clock so employees won’t watch it all day.

There’s a reason [Roastee’s name] is like this. He was deprived of a lot of things in his childhood. I believe oxygen tops the list.

There’s no middle ground with this guy - you either hate him or detest him.

They gave me 5 minutes to tell you all the great things about [Roastee’s name]... which is fine, but what will I do for the other four minutes and 50 seconds?

They say what you don’t know won’t hurt you. That makes [Roastee’s name] pretty much invulnerable.

They say you should just be yourself. [Looking at Roastee] Ordinarily, that’s good advice, but in your case...

They say your looks go as you get older. [To Roastee] Which gives you something to look forward to.

This guy is so middle-of-the-road, his nickname is “Median.”

To Mom’s cooking: May my wife never find out how bad it really was.

We bought you a gift you’ll appreciate: a state-of-the-art beeper. It alerts you when there’s a sale on golf clubs.

We received a number of congratulatory telegrams for this event - from people congratulating themselves for not being here.

We’ve all seen people who look like [Roastee’s name] before. But usually we had to pay admission.

Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.

What can I say about [Roastee’s name]? By and large, he’s big and large.

What can you say about a man who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying he’s not the man we’re honoring tonight.

Whatever you do, don’t get excited. You’ll turn your milk into butter.

When he was a child, his mother wanted to hire someone to take care of him. But the mafia wanted too much money.

When he was a kid, people asked him what he wanted to be when he was older. If you answered “Wrinkled,” mission accomplished.

When he was young, he sowed his wild oats. Now his wild oats are shredded wheat.

When he was younger, he was a model. He was the poster boy for birth control.

When his mother dropped him off at school, she was given a ticket for littering.

When I look into his eyes, I can see right through to the back of his head.

When they made [Roastee’s name], they broke the mold. Then, just to play it safe, they found the guy who made the mold and shot him.

When they were handing out brains, he was at the front of the line... and ended up holding the door open.

Whenever he donates money to charity, he likes to remain anonymous. That’s why he never signs his name on the check.

Whenever something goes wrong at work, he’s always got the answer. He sums up the problem with one quick assessment: “It was my fault.”

Why should I say nice things about him? I’d rather tell the truth.

With most people, the left side of your brain does some things, and the right side does others. In his case, however, neither side seems to do a whole lot.

You can always tell when he’s lying. His lips move.

You have no idea how ugly you are. Every time you look in a mirror, your reflection ducks.

You have skin like a baby’s bottom... covered in diaper rash.

You have to be comfortable with how you look. After all, mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.

Your parents still remember the exact moment you were born... because your face stopped all the clocks.

You’ve been a great audience. I don’t really mind a few coffee slurpers.

You’ve been a wonderful audience. So... we’re even.

You’ve heard the expression “Penny for your thoughts?” Well, with [Roastee’s name], you’d get change.

You’ve heard the expression “The lights are on, but nobody’s home” Well, in [Roastee’s name]’s case, electricity hasn’t even been discovered yet.



[Birthday] You’re a year older, but you’ll never be over the hill - not in the car you drive.

[Heckler] I bet you work in telephone solicitation, right?

[If someone takes your picture] Paparazzi!

[Hot room] I haven’t sweated this much since my tax audit.

[Looking at Roastee] Now we know why some animals eat their offspring.

[Loud crash] Oh-oh. I told Shaq that rocking horse wouldn’t hold him.

[Mic problem] This microphone is like my wife - it won’t let me speak.

[Response] Thanks so much for saying all those wonderful things. Could I have a copy of that for my in-laws?

[Retirement] I didn’t realize just how long (Retiree) had been with the company until he was cleaning out his desk and found a stage coach ticket.

[Roastee’s name] believes people should live for the moment. Of course, we all wish he’d live for a moment.

[Roastee’s name] has a mind like a steel trap... rusted shut.

[Roastee’s name] has a very calming influence. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

[Roastee’s name] has kept his youthful complexion... spotty.

[Roastee’s name] has learned from his parent’s mistakes. That’s why he uses birth control.

[Roastee’s name] is a great guy. He’d give you the hair off his back.

[Roastee’s name] is a hard worker. In fact, he works so much he’s missed a lot of his kid’s most important moments... birthdays, graduations, conceptions.

[Roastee’s name] is a real financial whiz. She once caused the bottom to fall out of the wig market... by shaving her legs.

[Roastee’s name] is a real friend. He’d go to the ends of the earth for you. Problem is he won’t stay there.

[Roastee’s name] is a real self-made man - which means he has no one else to blame.

[Roastee’s name] is a very influential person. I can’t tell you how many people try to emulate him... at Halloween.

[Roastee’s name] is pretty frugal. When he wanted to save money redecorating his house, he walked around naked for a few days, and his neighbours all chipped in for new curtains.

[Roastee’s name] is self-conscious about his hair. I don’t know why - he doesn’t have any.

[Roastee’s name], I want you to know, if you ever need a friend, I’d be more than happy to go find you one.

[Roastee’s name] just wants people to accept him as he is. Which is unusual, because most people want to be liked.

[Roastee’s name] may be a touch overweight, but there are still people who love him anyway... Greenpeace.

[Roastee’s name] was crossing the road to visit me one time, just as I was driving home, so I had to swerve to avoid hitting him... I ran out of gas.

[Roastee’s name] was diagnosed with flesh-eating disease. Doctors have given him 20 years to live.

[Roastee’s name] was so impressed with his chin he added several more.

[Roastee’s name], you’re a great guy. You should go far. That’s not a prediction; it’s a request.

[Small crowd] I forgot to bring something with me - my audience.

[The boss] He’s not the kind of man who takes work home with him. How can he? We do all the work.

[To retiree] We wanted to immortalize you by having your likeness made into a bronze statue, but it’s too expensive. So we have another gift that will give you the bronze look - this tube of suntan lotion.

[To Roastee] All that you are, you owe to your parents. I know a good lawyer.

[To Roastee] Every person has the right to be ugly, but you’ve abused that right.

[To Roastee] Have you ever thought of suing your brain for nonsupport?

[To Roastee] I thought of you today... I was vomiting.

[To Roastee] It was rumored that your mother once had an abortion, and now, as we can see, it’s true.

[To Roastee] I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

[To Roastee] It’s not Halloweeen - take your mask off.

[To Roastee] Just looking at you, I can’t help but wonder... Was anyone else hurt in the accident?

[To Roastee] Let’s play house. You be the door, and I’ll slam you.

[To Roastee] Tell me, did your parents have any children who lived?

[To Roastee] They say beauty is only skin deep. So what do you say we peel you back and get to the good part?

[To Roastee] You look like a million dollars... all green and wrinkled.

[To Roastee] You’re pretty as a picture. I guess that explains why everyone wants to hang you.

[To Roastee] You’re really special. And I mean that in the Olympic way.

[When you’re a substitute] Now you know how people feel when they’re expecting Mel Gibson, and get Mel Tillis.


see also   Toast Joe-ks  &  Quotes  Sections
Baked Democrat
Barbecue Pickup
Best Men Joe-ks
The Blame Game
Brew Haul-her - 12 Brewskies At A Time!
Build A Better Bush
Chutzpah Defined
Communication – How To Make A Fortune
Daffynitions for the Humourist
Deacon Funeral
Don't Play With Fire
Great American Weenie Roast – Pitchfork Special
Happiest Day of His Life
Hillary's First Night As President
Insults With Class
Kellogg's Fire
Life Cycle of a Chicken
Long-Winded Speaker
Memorial Service
Memory Challenge for a Politician
Perfect Diamond Engagement Ring
Real Man's Barbecue - a food 'Roast'
Redneck Weiner Roast
Scuba Diving Accident
Speaker's Question and Answer Period
Take That – Personal Insults du Jour
Thongthing Special
Voting Outhouse - Where All Voters “Go”
World Record Challenge

 

Ancient Thing Store

If I Had A City

Fractured Foot or Hand?

Exhausting Gyne Work

Portable Balance Beam

Tree Loft

Duct Tape Wall Bed

Texas Drought

Sudoku Sampler E

Shark Steaks

Despicable Wood Stove

Stay Off The Grass

Motorvation

Beach Drag

Get Off Your High Horse

Instant Antidepressant

Ambulance Caddy

Surfer's Dilemma - Oh No!

Fried Eggs - Military Style

Submarine Racing
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27-Jul-2017