joe-ks.com

Stats for the Average Joe

I asked a statistician for her phone number... and she gave me an estimate.

Definition of a Statistician: A Mathematician broken down by age and sex.

I'm not an outlier... I just haven't found my distribution yet!

Never try to walk across a river because it has an average depth of four feet.

A statistician is someone who is skilled at drawing a precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.

A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted. “Bring them to Church on Sunday and we'll baptize them,” said the minister.
“No,” replied the statistician. “Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control.”

Two unbiased estimators were sitting in a bar. The first says, “So how do you like married life?” The other replies, “It's pretty good if you don't mind giving up that one degreee of freedom!”

Some say that if you laid all the statisticians on the face of the earth end to end it would be a very good thing. Others note that if you laid all the statisticians end to end, two thirds would be under water.

Q: Why is a physician held in much higher esteem than a statistician?
A: A physician makes an analysis of a complex illness whereas a statistician makes you ill with a complex analysis!

A One-Way ANOVA and a Two-Way ANOVA were talking shop one day. The One-Way said, “I sure do envy the interaction you have with your variables.”
The Two-Way frowned and replied, “Yah, but the minute it diminishes to any significant extent they really become independent and go their own separate ways.”

Q: What's the difference between a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician?
A: The physicist calculates until he gets a correct result and concludes that he has proven a fact.
The mathematician calculates until he gets a wrong result and concludes that he has proven the contrary of a fact.
The statistician calculates until he gets a correct result about an obviously wrong proposition and concludes NOTHING, because the explanation is the task of the scientist who consulted the statistician.