Tombstone Epitaphs


It's hard to understand how a cemetery raises its burial cost and blames it on the cost of living.

I’m always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
When a knight dies in battle, what do they put on his gravestone?
I don't mind dying. The trouble is you feel so stiff the next day.
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
How does a person who cremates bodies make his money?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
“Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead.”
Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Funeral Home Sign: “Drive carefully - we'll wait.”
Monumental Liar: A man who writes epitaphs.
What do you write on a robot's gravestone?
Support your local undertaker - drop dead.
Undertaker: The last guy to let you down.
Cremation: All men are cremated equal.
Which singer worked as a gravedigger?
How do mummies make a phone call?
Sanktuary: A graveyard for ships.
What kind of key opens a casket?
What do liars do after they die?
How do you keep from dying?
Will: A dead giveaway.
Why is a graveyard noisy?
How do undertakers speak?
When will a mathematician die?
What do mummies wear on Halloween?
What kind of telephones do mummies use?
What did one tombstone say to the other tombstone?
If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways ...”


Shootout at the O.K. Corral, Tombstone, Arizona - 'The Town Too Tough To Die'

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July 15, 2008:  In Loving Memory of Phil Forde, Hamilton, New Zealand - an inspiration to
all of us at joe-ks.com   Our sincere thoughts & prayers go out to his wife, Lucetta & his family...

iSad - Tribute to Steve Jobs


Bank Late Fees


Mexico Gravestones


That’s All Falks!


Loving Canadian Husband


Burial At Sea


Elaborate Funeral


Hearse Parking


Halloween Warning


Halloween Greeting


In Lieu Of Flowers


Her Casket


Memory Fish


Sick Tombstone


Pa Loves Women


Scrabble Tombstone


Casualty Way


Halifax Pirate


Dead End Road


Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality


Undertaker Bike


Buffalo Saddle


Heart Attack Grill


When You Gotta Go


Dike Strengthening


Fallen Friend


Circle Of Life


Pacman Skeleton


Geek Gravestone


At Home Grave


Expired Parking


Dear Abbey


Man Of The House


Clown Down


Gopher's Phone Booth


Coffin Dragster


Digging One's Own Grave


Good To The Last Drop




Taxidermist Bike


Skeleton Cat


E. Coli Victim


Ancient Politician


Casket Car


Redneck Hearse


End Of The Line


Motorcycle Tombstone


Garage Sale for the Soon-To-Be-Departed


Waiting For Windows To Boot

A Farmer’s Creed
Ancient Politician
Artist Appreciation
At Home Grave
Baked Democrat
Bank Late Fees
Brazilian Casualties in Iraq
Buffalo Saddle
Burial At Sea
Can't Be Santa, Can It?
Cardiologist Eulogy
Casket Car
Casualty Way
Cat Stroke
Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality
Chinese Graveyard Rice
Circle Of Life
Clown Down
Cockroach Cancer
Coffin Attack
Coffin Dragster
Cold Hearted Women @ The Pearly Gates
Cowboy’s Secret to Living a Long Life
Credit Corpsoration
The Crocodiles Are Crying
Deacon Funeral
Dead End Road
Dear Abbey
Digging One's Own Grave
Dike Strengthening - Tombstone for Cars
Dying Pope’s Last Request
Dying Request
E. Coli Victim
Ed Schellenberg - Memorial Service
Elaborate Funeral
Email Gone Astray - Meeting Your Wife Earlier Than Expected?
Employee's Life After Death Experience - Grandmother's Funeral Gone Wrong
End Of The Line
Expired Parking
Fallen Friend
Famous Last Words
Garage Sale for the Soon-To-Be-Departed
Geek Coffin
Geek Gravestone
Good To The Last Drop
Gopher's Phone Booth
Graphic Auto Accident
Halifax Pirate
Halloween Greeting
Halloween Warning
He Came, He Saw, He Logged Out
Healthy Breakfast
Hearse Parking
Heart Attack Grill
Her Casket
Hiding Bald - for Toupee Lovers
Honest Lawyer
Horse Hearse
In Lieu Of Flowers
Ingrown Motorcycle
Irish Virgin
iSad - Tribute to Steve Jobs
Jerusalem Obituary, 33 A.D.
Johnny Cochran's Last Words - Farewell to O.J.
Last Round of Golf
Laying Down the Ground Rules in the House
Loving Canadian Husband
Man Of The House
Memory Fish
Mexico Gravestones
Motorcycle Tombstone
Mud Bath Cure
Mummy’s Heart Attack
Nagging Wife
Never Try To Outsmart A Woman!
Newspaper Bloopers
Pa Loves Women
Pacman Skeleton
Park Art or Cabinet Decision?
Perfect Super Bowl Seat
Praying & Preying Mantis
Preacher's Ass
Propeller Merits
Red Alert Flight
Redneck Funeral
Redneck Hearse
Rest In Peace - While You Can
Scrabble Tombstone
Sick Tombstone
Skeleton Cat
Skydiving Typo – Changing Course in Mid-Air
Snowman Funeral
Soiled Service
Surf-In Lunch Snack
Taxidermist Bike
That’s All Falks!
Ukrainian Perogies
Undertaker Bike
Valentine Not
Waiting For Windows To Boot
When You Gotta Go
Who'll Take Stalin's Body?
Will Made for Nird and Ird
Your Parrot Is Dead, Senor!


In the Old West:
Here lies Auggie with a slug in his gut,
Proof it’s not good to hide a gun in your butt,
Things were OK until he crossed his shin,
And snagged a thread on the firing pin!

In Arizona:
Here lies young Ezikel Height
Died from jumping Jim Smith’s claim;
Didn’t happen at the mining site,
The claim he jumped, was Jim Smith’s dame.

In Boot Hill Cemetery, Dodge City, Kansas:
He played five Aces.
Now he’s playing the harp.

In Burlington, Massachusetts:
Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace and quietness sake.
His wife was constantly scoldin’ and scoffin’,
So he sought for repose in a $12 coffin.

In Canaan, New Hampshire:
Sarah Shute, 1803-1840
Here lies, cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute.
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anno Domini eighteen forty.

In Georgia:
Due to lack of ground in this cemetery,
Two bodies are buried in this one plot.
One of them was a politician,
The other was an honest man.

In England:
This is the grave of Mike O’Day
Who died maintaining his right of way.
His right was clear, his will was strong,
But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong.

In England:
Here lies the body of Emily White,
She signaled left, and then turned right.

In England:
It is so soon that I am done for,
I wonder what I was begun for.

In Guilford, Vermont:
My life’s been hard
And all things show it;
I always thought so
And now I know it.

In Pawtucket, Rhode Island:
This is on me.

In Vermont:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes
Who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23,
Has many qualifications of a good wife,
And yearns to be comforted.

He was a simple man who died of complications.

I came into this world without my consent and left in the same manner.

Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.

What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York…
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In the Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona...
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a fourty-four
No Les No More.

On atheist Arthur Haine’s epitaph, Vancouver, Washington...
Haine
haint

In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery…
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia…
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery…
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery…
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery…
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery…
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer’s epitaph in England…
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery…
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England…
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont…
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts…
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a London, England, cemetery...
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

In a Georgia cemetery...
"I told you I was sick!"

On a fisherman’s grave, New Shoreham, Rhode Island...
Captain Thomas Coffin
Died 1842, age 50 years.
He’s done a-catching cod
And gone to meet his God.

On a coal miner’s grave...
Gone Underground For Good

On a dentist’s tombstone, Edinburgh, Scotland...
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.

On a teacher’s tombstone, Elkhart, Indiana...
School is out
Teacher has gone home.

On an attorney’s tombstone...
The defense rests.

On a brewer’s tombstone...
G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.
In life he was both hale and stout.
Death brought him to his bitter bier.
Now in heaven he hops about.

On a waiter’s tombstone...
Here lies the body of
Detlof Swenson.
Waiter.
God finally caught his eye.

On a grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia...
She always said her feet were killing her
But nobody believed her.

On a painter’s tombstone...
A Finished Artist.

On an auctioneer’s tombstone...
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!

On a traveling salesman’s tombstone...
My Trip is Ended:
Send My Samples Home

For a music conductor...
Stephen and Time are now both even;
Stephen beat Time, and now Time’s beat Stephen

On a doctor’s tombstone...
Dr. Fred Roberts
1875 - 1931
Office Upstairs

In a churchyard in South Wales...
Hurrah! my boys, at the Parson’s fall,
For if he’d lived he’d a buried us all.

On a housewife’s tombstone...
Mary Weary, Housewife
Dear Friends I am going
Where washing ain’t done
Or cooking or sewing:
Don’t mourn for me now
Or weep for me never:
For I go to do nothing
Forever and ever!

On an adulterous husband...
Gone, but not forgiven

On a spinster postmistress’s tombstone, North Carolina...
Returned - Unopened

In Battersea. London, England...
Owen Moore
Gone away
Owin’ more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine, didn’t like Mr. Wood...
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood  within another.
The outer wood is very good:
We cannot praise the other.

Boot Hill Cemetery, Arizona...
He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair.

Silver City, Nevada...
Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.

On a tombstone in Florida...
Ma Loved Pa,
Pa Loved Women,
Ma caught Pa with one in swimmin...
Here Lies Pa

Schenectady, New York...
He got a fish-bone in his throat
and then he sang an angel note.

Winterborn Steepleton Cemetery, Dorsetshire, England...
Here lies the body of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels and away she went.

In a cemetery in England…
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
… To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

On a Hookstone, Pennsylvania tombstone with an etching of a marijuana plant on it...
Hi
Stay high
Bye

On a Chapel Hill cemetery...
I was Carolina Born
and Carolina bred
and here I lay
Carolina dead!

On a tombstone of a newborn in Ashby de la Zooch, England...
Ope’d my eyes
Took a peep.
Didn’t like it
Went back to sleep.

In Rock Valley, Massachusets...
We all have a debt
To nature due
I’ve paid mine
And so must you.

On an Australian country tombstone...
Wherever you be,
Let your wind go free.
For holding it in,
Was the killing of me.

On a hanged man...
Rab McBeth
Who died for the want
of another breath.

On a hanged sheep stealer, Larne, Ireland...
Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool and died by hemp.

On a coroner who hung himself, West Grimstead, Sussex, England...
He lived
And died
By suicide

On a miser who wanted to save money...
Thorp’s Corpse.
When his wife died, the wording was changed to...
Here lieth Thorpses Corpses.

... and a few "Miscellaneous" Tombstone Epitaphs...

Here lies old Aunt Hannah Proctor
Who purged but didn’t call the Doctor:
She couldn’t stay, She had to go
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

A zealous locksmith died of late,
And did arrive at heaven’s gate; He stood without and would not knock,
Because he meant to pick the lock.

This spot is the sweetest I’ve seen in my life,
For it raises my flowers and covers my wife.

Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake.

Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
Now she’s at rest and so am I.

He looked for gold
And died of lead poison.

Here lies the bones of Private Jones
For whom War held no terrors.
A private then, a private now
No runs, No hits, just errors.

Here’s to Johnny quite a guy
Very sad he had to die
All was well could not be better
Till he wrote my girl a letter.

She was not smart, she was not fair,
But hearts with grief for her are swellin’;
All empty stands her little chair:
She died of eatin’ water-mellon.

Here lies the body of Mary Ford.
We hope her soul is with the Lord.
But if for hell she’s changed this life,
Better live there than as J. Ford’s wife.

Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you’ll come to I.
And the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I’ve got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.

I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you (thank heaven) will not.

Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn’d long time for this vicinity.

Here lies
Elizabeth,
my wife for 47 years,
and this is the first damn thing
she ever done to oblige me.

Tears cannot restore her -
Therefore I weep.

I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.

Cold is my bed, but oh, I love it,
For colder are my friends above it.

Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all thats left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.

Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.

They abounded in riches
But she wore the britches.

First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In


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