#1 humor site on the 'net

Wannabe Van

How to speed up a slow van

Wannabe Van thanks to Idske Mulder, The Netherlands

QuotaBills
Fjord: Norwegian car - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Life is too short for traffic. - Dan Bellack

Khaki: A thing for starting a car - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Bad Driver: The person you run into. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Greyhound Trainer: A race cur driver - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Chop your own path. Get off the car track. - A.Y. Jackson

A Chicken in Every Pot and a Car in Every Garage - Herbert Hoover

No one is in your mind - you are its only driver. - Unknown

Traffic Ticket: Finale of the policeman's bawl - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Feminism is a wonderful idea until the car goes wrong. - Nicola Zweig

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. - David Letterman

Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. - Ludwig Borne

Stress should be a powerful driving force, not an obstacle. - Bob Phillips

Auto racing began 5 minutes after the second car was built. - Henry Ford

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. - Miguel de Unamuno

The beaten path is the safest, but the traffic's terrible. - Jeff Taylor

You should never have more children than you have car windows. - Erma Bombeck

Taxi Driver: Worker who earns a living by driving customers away - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Have fun, be active. Ride a bike instead of driving, for example. - Dan Buettner

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. - Dudley Moore

Our separation from each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. - Albert Einstein

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. - Dan Rather

Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly. - Morticia Addams

You ain't going nowhere, son. You ought to go back to driving a truck. - Jim Denny

A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light. - Henry Morgan

Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or you're dead. - Tommy Bolt

A private railroad car is not an acquired taste. One takes to it immediately. - Eleanor R. Belmont

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. - Erma Bombeck

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars... the rest I squandered. - George Best

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. - Murray Walker

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle. - Bob Varsha

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills: making the last car payment. - Unknown

Like the cosmetics industry, the securities business is engaged in selling illusion. - Paul Samuelson

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge. - Daniel J. Boorstin

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality. - Irish Murdoch

The dent in his car is hardly cold and he's coming over here to claim his pound of fish. - Archie Bunker

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. - Tim Allen

HonkoSecond: The time between the light turning green and the sound from the car horn behind you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went. - John Updike

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter DeVries

Golden Age: When the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical. - Murray Walker

Police officers may drive black and white cars, however what goes on in their job is a lot of gray. - Arik Matson

The illusion that the times that were are better than those that are has probably pervaded all ages. - Horace Greeley

Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by traffic from both sides. - Margaret Thatcher

If I weren't skateboarding, I'd love to race cars. I like anything that's fast and active. - Ryan Sheckler

Animals are like little children a bit. They're simple. They don't have politics driving them. - Annabelle Sabloff

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

It's much easier to double your business by doubling your conversion rate than doubling your traffic. - Bryan Eisenberg

When walking, you see things that you miss in a motor car or on the train. You give your mind space to ponder. - Tom Hodgkinson

The actual building of roads devoted to motor cars is not for the near future, in spite of many rumors to that effect. - Harper's Weekly

A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere. - Jay Shetty

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 2,000 MPG. - Bill Gates

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down. - George Carlin

Tonight we'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame. - Ronnie Corbett

Don't let the age on your driver's license determine your season in life. Everyone's growing seasons look a bit different. - Vicki Kuyper

Love easily confuses us because it is always in flux between illusion and substance, between memory and wish, between contentment and need. - Tom Robbins

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says, "I make a good living." - Henny Youngman

My life is the land, the dogs, the car, the motorcycle, the pond, the canoe, going to pick up mail. It's just a rural retreat that I enjoy. - Burt Shavitz

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - Steven Wright

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar - Daffynitions joe-ks.com


How To Hire Engineers

Business School Basics

Waterwheel Rotisserie

Elephant Bus

Promote Yourself

Time Machine

Redneck Engagement Ring

Forever Clean Toilet

Edible Clock

Up-Set & Hungry Trucks

Bear Pinata

Swim Vacation

What Are Your Skills?

Portable Barber Shop

Snail Trail

Anger Release Machine

Pun-e Signs

Wake Me At Noon

Pringle Art

Lodge Welcome

Holstein or Holestein?

Dead Poirot

Restroom Fragrance

Word Puzzle Clock