Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. - Aristotle
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A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
If you want the job done fast, give it to a busy person. - Unknown
Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn
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Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox
Do your job and demand your compensation - but in that order. - Cary Grant
Everything is improved by the judicious application of primates. - Chris Roberson
A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job. - Zig Ziglar
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller
Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The woman who can create her own job is the one who will win fame and fortune. - Amelia Earhart
Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking
Ignore the naysayers. Really the only option is, head down and focus on the job. - Chris Pine
Marketers need to build digital relationships and reputation before closing a sale. - Chris Brogan
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
Every sale has five basic obstacles: no need, no money, no hurry, no desire, no trust. - Zig Ziglar
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If someone's not attacking you that means you're not doing your job effectively. - Sean Hannity
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I think you should take your job seriously, but not yourself. That is the best combination. - Judi Dench
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. - Jack Handy
A lot of people feel very good about Mitt Romney and I think he's going to do a great job. - Donald Trump
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. - Harry S Truman
Leadership does not mean getting people to do their job. It means getting people to do their best. - Unknown
It's against all of our policies for an application to ever share information with advertisers. - Mark Zuckerberg
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry
Everything is for sale in Hollywood; the fairy tale, the costume, the pumpkin, the footman and the mice. - Amanda Eliasch
There is as much ingenuity in making an felicitous application of an passage as in being the author of it. - St. Evremond
Our Age of Anxiety is, in great part, the result of trying to do today's jobs with yesterday's tools. - Marshall McLuhan
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
The leader's job is to see the best in human beings who have never caught sight of the best within themselves. - Robin Sharma
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly I can!" Then get busy and find out how to do it. - Theodore Roosevelt