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Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
No man ever listened himself out of a job. - Calvin Coolidge
A career is a job that has gone on too long. - Jeff MacNelly
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb
Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. - Oscar Wilde
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
If you want the job done fast, give it to a busy person. - Unknown
Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience. - Dilbert
You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross
The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox
Everything is improved by the judicious application of primates. - Chris Roberson
A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job. - Zig Ziglar
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job. - Unknown
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to make them better. - Steve Jobs
Most of the early part of an actor's career, you do the jobs you get. - Jack Nicholson
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job. - Zig Ziglar
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
The woman who can create her own job is the one who will win fame and fortune. - Amelia Earhart
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
The most interesting thing about a postage stamp is the persistence with which it sticks to its job. - Napoleon Hill
No kid is unsmart. Every kid's a genius at something. Our job is to find it. And then encourage it. - Robin Sharma
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job. - Samuel Goldwyn
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job. - Samuel Goldwyn
Too often, sales reps simply regurgitate their presentations and expect to land the sale. It doesn't work. - Harvey Mackay
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
The leader's job is to see the best in human beings who have never caught sight of the best within themselves. - Robin Sharma
Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly I can!" Then get busy and find out how to do it. - Theodore Roosevelt
When one may pay out over two million dollars to presidential and Congressional campaigns, the U.S. government is virtually up for sale. - John W. Gardner
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you'll ever have!" - Phyllis Diller
A leader is not an administrator who loves to run others, but someone who carries water for his people, so that they can get on with their jobs. - Robert Townsend
Social media is about friending someone so they'll invite you to a party or get you a job. If that's the work, Snapchat is the playground. - Evan Spiegel
A career is a job that has gone on too long. - Jeff MacNelly
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb
Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. - Oscar Wilde
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
If you want the job done fast, give it to a busy person. - Unknown
Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience. - Dilbert
You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross
The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox
Everything is improved by the judicious application of primates. - Chris Roberson
A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job. - Zig Ziglar
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job. - Unknown
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to make them better. - Steve Jobs
Most of the early part of an actor's career, you do the jobs you get. - Jack Nicholson
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job. - Zig Ziglar
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
The woman who can create her own job is the one who will win fame and fortune. - Amelia Earhart
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
The most interesting thing about a postage stamp is the persistence with which it sticks to its job. - Napoleon Hill
No kid is unsmart. Every kid's a genius at something. Our job is to find it. And then encourage it. - Robin Sharma
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job. - Samuel Goldwyn
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job. - Samuel Goldwyn
Too often, sales reps simply regurgitate their presentations and expect to land the sale. It doesn't work. - Harvey Mackay
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
The leader's job is to see the best in human beings who have never caught sight of the best within themselves. - Robin Sharma
Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly I can!" Then get busy and find out how to do it. - Theodore Roosevelt
When one may pay out over two million dollars to presidential and Congressional campaigns, the U.S. government is virtually up for sale. - John W. Gardner
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you'll ever have!" - Phyllis Diller
A leader is not an administrator who loves to run others, but someone who carries water for his people, so that they can get on with their jobs. - Robert Townsend
Social media is about friending someone so they'll invite you to a party or get you a job. If that's the work, Snapchat is the playground. - Evan Spiegel
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