Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Happiness is an inside job. - William A Ward
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross
The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. - Henry Ford
You're the lowly pheasant with the job of keeping her here. - Archie Bunker
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job. - Unknown
Traditional methods of sales prospecting are grossly inefficient. - Jill Konrath
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
A bad job with a good boss is better than a good job with a bad boss. - Unknown
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I read the book of Job last night. I don't think God comes out well in it. - Virginia Woolf
Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
I think you should take your job seriously, but not yourself. That is the best combination. - Judi Dench
Having kids is the ultimate job in life. I want to be most successful at being a good father. - Nick Lachey
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason. - Marya Mannes
Leadership does not mean getting people to do their job. It means getting people to do their best. - Unknown
Police officers may drive black and white cars, however what goes on in their job is a lot of gray. - Arik Matson
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Our Age of Anxiety is, in great part, the result of trying to do today's jobs with yesterday's tools. - Marshall McLuhan
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their job. - Samuel Goldwyn
My job is not to make decisions but to set stretch objectives and help our managers work out how to reach them. - Sergio Marchionne
If you put all your strength and faith and vigor into a job, and try to do the best you can, the money will come. - Lawrence Welk
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks
People shop and learn in a whole new way compared to just a few years ago, so marketers need to adapt or risk extinction. - Brian Halligan
In every jigsaw puzzle, there is one key piece, and the only tough job is to identify that key piece from the mess out there. - Sapan Saxena
New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Social media is about friending someone so they'll invite you to a party or get you a job. If that's the work, Snapchat is the playground. - Evan Spiegel
Every job I do, I like to think it makes me better, or I learn things. It's all about how much something's going to stretch me or test me. - Daniel Radcliffe