Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Shopping is my cardio. - Carrie Bradshaw
Happiness is an inside job. - William A Ward
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
The job of an actor is disclosure, not pretence. - Max Reinhardt
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
Pre-Law: The major of a person who will end up in sales - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Diamonds are only lumps of coal that stuck to their jobs. - Malcolm Forbes
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. - Donald Trump
You're the lowly pheasant with the job of keeping her here. - Archie Bunker
Everything is improved by the judicious application of primates. - Chris Roberson
On this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job. - Lou Holtz
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller
Steve Jobs changed my life. He also changed the life of every designer. - Yves Behar
We always admire the other fellow more after we have tried to do his job. - William Feather
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. - Gertrude Stein
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners. - Albert Camus
The number one job facing the middle class... a three-letter word, jobs, J-O-B-S. - Joe Biden
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
Comedy's a funny game, it's not a job, it's a vocation - you never stop. - Eric Sykes
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek
It's all right to be afraid. You just don't let it stop you from doing your job. - Jim Butcher
I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
I think you should take your job seriously, but not yourself. That is the best combination. - Judi Dench
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright
To me, job titles don't matter. Everyone is in sales. It's the only way we stay in business. - Harvey Mackay
If you are in the job for glamour, you're in for the shock of your life. The media is a huge shark pool. - Trisha Goddard
You can retire from a job, but don't ever retire from making extremely meaningful contributions in life. - Stephen Covey
Our Age of Anxiety is, in great part, the result of trying to do today's jobs with yesterday's tools. - Marshall McLuhan
How would you like a job where, every time you make a mistake, a big red light goes on and 18,000 people boo? - Jacques Plante
A benefit of any job is laughter. It should never be a crime to have fun on the job. It may be a crime not to. - Terry Paulson
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their job. - Samuel Goldwyn
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
In every jigsaw puzzle, there is one key piece, and the only tough job is to identify that key piece from the mess out there. - Sapan Saxena
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you'll ever have!" - Phyllis Diller
New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A leader is not an administrator who loves to run others, but someone who carries water for his people, so that they can get on with their jobs. - Robert Townsend