Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
These are cathedrals of shopping. - Emile Zola
A career is a job that has gone on too long. - Jeff MacNelly
Step aside Coffee. This is a job for Alcohol. - Unknown
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.
The job of an actor is disclosure, not pretence. - Max Reinhardt
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
It's a job never started that takes the longest to finish. - JRR Tolkien
Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves. - Dale Carnegie
Steve Jobs changed my life. He also changed the life of every designer. - Yves Behar
We always admire the other fellow more after we have tried to do his job. - William Feather
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. - Gertrude Stein
The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves. - Joseph Campbell
My uncle is in trouble with his union. They caught him working on the job. - Joey Adams
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
The number one job facing the middle class... a three-letter word, jobs, J-O-B-S. - Joe Biden
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
A lot of people feel very good about Mitt Romney and I think he's going to do a great job. - Donald Trump
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." - Steven Wright
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. - Harry S Truman
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason. - Marya Mannes
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry
There is as much ingenuity in making an felicitous application of an passage as in being the author of it. - St. Evremond
You can retire from a job, but don't ever retire from making extremely meaningful contributions in life. - Stephen Covey
A benefit of any job is laughter. It should never be a crime to have fun on the job. It may be a crime not to. - Terry Paulson
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. - Bill Hicks
The person who knows "how" will always have a job.
The person who knows "why" will always be his boss. - Diane Ravitch
When one may pay out over two million dollars to presidential and Congressional campaigns, the U.S. government is virtually up for sale. - John W. Gardner
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you'll ever have!" - Phyllis Diller
New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Social media is about friending someone so they'll invite you to a party or get you a job. If that's the work, Snapchat is the playground. - Evan Spiegel
Schools must stop being holding pens to keep energetic young people off the job market and off the streets. We stretch puberty out a long, long time. - Toni Morrison