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Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
Sales Talk: Trade wind - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Happiness is an inside job. - William A Ward
Window Shopping: Eye browsing - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A career is a job that has gone on too long. - Jeff MacNelly
Never send a human to do a machine's job. - Hugo Weaving
A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb
When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy. - James Goldsmith
People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. - Amy Sedaris
You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. - Henry Ford
It's a job never started that takes the longest to finish. - JRR Tolkien
The new job of art is to sit on the wall and get more expensive. - Robert Hughes
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to make them better. - Steve Jobs
Diploma: 1. Da man dat fixes your pipes; 2. A job-hunting license. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. - John Kenneth Galbraith
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop. - Bill Murray
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
Having kids is the ultimate job in life. I want to be most successful at being a good father. - Nick Lachey
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - Bill Gates
Dear heart, please stop getting involved in everything. You job is to pump blood, that's it. - Unknown
Police officers may drive black and white cars, however what goes on in their job is a lot of gray. - Arik Matson
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry
No kid is unsmart. Every kid's a genius at something. Our job is to find it. And then encourage it. - Robin Sharma
You can retire from a job, but don't ever retire from making extremely meaningful contributions in life. - Stephen Covey
Our Age of Anxiety is, in great part, the result of trying to do today's jobs with yesterday's tools. - Marshall McLuhan
Some wish to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell. - C.T. Studd
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan
Having kids - the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings - is the biggest job anyone can embark on. - Maria Shriver
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
When you have police officers who abuse citizens, you erode public confidence in law enforcement. That makes the job of good police officers unsafe. - Mary F Berry
Happiness is an inside job. - William A Ward
Window Shopping: Eye browsing - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A career is a job that has gone on too long. - Jeff MacNelly
Never send a human to do a machine's job. - Hugo Weaving
A man without a smiling face should not open a shop. - Chinese Proverb
When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy. - James Goldsmith
People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. - Amy Sedaris
You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. - Henry Ford
It's a job never started that takes the longest to finish. - JRR Tolkien
The new job of art is to sit on the wall and get more expensive. - Robert Hughes
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
My job is not to be easy on people. My job is to make them better. - Steve Jobs
Diploma: 1. Da man dat fixes your pipes; 2. A job-hunting license. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. - John Kenneth Galbraith
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop. - Bill Murray
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
Having kids is the ultimate job in life. I want to be most successful at being a good father. - Nick Lachey
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - Bill Gates
Dear heart, please stop getting involved in everything. You job is to pump blood, that's it. - Unknown
Police officers may drive black and white cars, however what goes on in their job is a lot of gray. - Arik Matson
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry
No kid is unsmart. Every kid's a genius at something. Our job is to find it. And then encourage it. - Robin Sharma
You can retire from a job, but don't ever retire from making extremely meaningful contributions in life. - Stephen Covey
Our Age of Anxiety is, in great part, the result of trying to do today's jobs with yesterday's tools. - Marshall McLuhan
Some wish to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell. - C.T. Studd
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan
Having kids - the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings - is the biggest job anyone can embark on. - Maria Shriver
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
When you have police officers who abuse citizens, you erode public confidence in law enforcement. That makes the job of good police officers unsafe. - Mary F Berry
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