Help Me Before It's Too Late!

Marry money. - Max Shulman

Grace: nutrient in the marriage garden - Phil Callaway

In married life three is company and two is none. - Oscar Wilde

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem

Love is a fair garden, and marriage a field of nettles. - Finnish Proverb

Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has not pleasure. - Samuel Johnson

The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding. - Oscar Wilde

I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad. - Oedipus Rex

Before you marry keep both eyes open; after marriage shut one. - Jamaican Proverb

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. - Groucho Marx

I've been married twice but I haven't had a marriage yet. - Jennifer Lopez

Marriage is but for a little while. It is alimony that is forever. - Quentin Crisp

Tenderness is greater proof of love than the most passionate of vows. - Marlene Dietrich

I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you. - Paulo Coelho

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. - Andre Maurois

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. - Red Skelton

I believe in love and marriage, but not necessarily with the same person. - John Travolta

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F.M. Knowles

Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses. - G K Chesterton

I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco sauce. - Susan Vass

Will you marry me? Do you have any money?
Answer the second question first. - Groucho Marx

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. - Grace Hansen

Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room. - Ilona Andrews

Inspirations never go in for long engagements; they demand immediate marriage to action. - Unknown

We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush

A good marriage was one in which each person thought he or she was getting the better deal. - Anne Lamott

First of all you’ve got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did. - George Burns

Without the will, marriage is a mockery; without the emotion, it is a drudgery. You need both. - Ravi Zacharias

I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along. - Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

When I make a vow to God, then I would suggest to you that's even stronger than a handshake in Texas. - Rick Perry

I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored. - Cameron Esposito

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. - Ogden Nash

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. - Steven Wright

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster. - Garrison Keillor

Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime should rank among the fine arts. - Roberta Flack

Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who make you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat. - Joanne Woodward

If you never want to see a man again, just tell him, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children." They leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner