Help Me Before It's Too Late!

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. - Phyllis Diller

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. - Princess Leia

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. - Polish Proverb

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose. - Oscar Wilde

Now a soft kiss; Aye, by that kiss, I vow an endless bliss. - John Keats

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The key to success? Work hard, stay focused and marry a Kennedy. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. - Groucho Marx

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. - Mae West

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Men are my hobby. If I ever got married, I'd have to give it up. - Mae West

Tenderness is greater proof of love than the most passionate of vows. - Marlene Dietrich

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses. - G K Chesterton

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage. - George Gobel

The great majority of neuroses in women have their origin in the marriage bed. - Sigmund Freud

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem

I wanted to study to be a dental hygienist, marry a rich dentist, and hang it up. - Vicki Lawrence

Marriage is the harmony of God synchronizing two wills with the will of the Father. - Ravi Zacharias

Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed. - Oscar Wilde

A girl who thinks that a man will treat her better after marriage than before is a fool. - William C. Hall

Today couples live together until they learn to detest one another. Then they get married. - G K Chesterton

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

If you meet someone who can cook and do housework, don't hesitate a minute - marry him! - Rita Rudner

Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't they'd be married too. - H L Mencken

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along. - Groucho Marx

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. - Unknown

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. - G Norman Collie

The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored. - Cameron Esposito

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. - Robert Frost

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are. - Will Ferrell

Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin, but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. - Oscar Wilde

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster. - Garrison Keillor

One advantage of marriage is that when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. - Judith Viorst

Fraud in business is no different from infidelity in marriage or plagiarism in scholarly work. Even people committed to high moral standards succumb. - Miroslav Volf