Help Me Before It's Too Late!

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. - St. Augustine

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight. - Georg C. Lichtenberg

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. - Paula Deen

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake. - Margot Asquith

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! - Groucho Marx

Now a soft kiss; Aye, by that kiss, I vow an endless bliss. - John Keats

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage." - Herbert Spencer

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. - Amy Grant

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you. - Paulo Coelho

I was going to marry a gardener, but he was too rough around the hedges. - Unknown

Never marry anyone you could not sit next to during a three-day bus trip. - Roger Ebert

Marriage requires a special talent like acting. Monogamy requires genius. - Warren Beatty

The Pirate is surrealism and so, in a curious way, is Father of the Bride. - Vincente Minnelli

I don't follow trends. I make each cake for a particular wedding, or event. - Ron Ben-Israel

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. - O. Henry

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive. - Oscar Wilde

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rim shots during the vows. - Sam Kinison

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

If you meet someone who can cook and do housework, don't hesitate a minute - marry him! - Rita Rudner

First of all you’ve got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did. - George Burns

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. - Lewis Grizzard

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. - Phyllis Diller

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. - WC Fields

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

When I make a vow to God, then I would suggest to you that's even stronger than a handshake in Texas. - Rick Perry

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. - G Norman Collie

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot

If your cousin Maude says one wrong word to me, we're gonna be leaving before the bride takes the shower. - Archie Bunker

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are. - Will Ferrell

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

When I was a young man I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her but, alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. - Alain

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller

One advantage of marriage is that when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. - Judith Viorst