Redneck House Cleaning

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

In the ant's house, the dew is a flood. - Danish Proverb

A house divided against itself cannot stand. - Abraham Lincoln

A spotless house is a sign of a misspent life. - Unknown

At my house, Dust is a noun, not a verb. - Unknown

Choose your neighbor before you buy your house. - African Proverb

He'd go through the house like Typhoon Mary. - Archie Bunker

One aged man - one man - can't fill a house. - Robert Frost

Peace and a well-built house cannot be bought too dearly. - Danish Proverb

An empty purse and a new house make a man wise, but too late. - Portuguese Proverb

Everyone makes fun of the Redneck until the Zombie Apocalypse. - Unknown

I have so much hair, I have a separate wig closet in my house. - Sherri Shepherd

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

At worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived. - Rose Macaulay

I will clean house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. - Roseanne Barr

Don't talk about a rope in the house of someone whose father was hung. - Colin Farrell

I wanted a man who wouldn't stray so I'm dating a guy on house arrest. - Kim Bove

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. - Steven Wright

Someone told me I was immature. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house now? - Unknown

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. - WC Fields

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. - Jay Leno

Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm. - Oscar Wilde

If you want to see me, come over anytime. If you want to see my house, make an appointment. - Unknown

If you burn your neighbor's house down, it doesn't make your house look any better. - Lou Holtz

Maybe I'd like to run around the house in my drawers, and with her here, I felt inhabited. - Archie Bunker

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

If we build in the desert, let the house know the desert and the desert be proud of the house. - Frank Lloyd Wright

No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days. - Plautus

Gonna be incrimated... they're gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals. - Archie Bunker

In France we leave unmolested those who set fire to the house, and persecute those who sound the alarm. - Sebastien Chamfort

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. - Jeff Foxworthy

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. - Steven Wright

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate.
What's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House? - Will Rogers

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. - Steven Wright

At fifty, the madwoman in the attic breaks loose, stomps down the stairs, and sets fire to the house. She won't be imprisoned anymore. - Erica Jong

Science is built up with facts, as a house is with stones. But a collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house. - Jules H Poincare

At this late hour a wagon has been procured, and I have had it filled with plate and the most valuable portable articles, belonging to the house. - Dolly Madison

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. - Steven Wright

Charity is a very personal equation, like we say charity begins at home. It starts with your immediate help in the house: the people who work for you. - Malaika A. Khan