Redneck House Cleaning

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

A road to a friend's house is never long. - Danish Proverb

There will be no whitewash at the White House. - Richard M Nixon

Choose your neighbor before you buy your house. - African Proverb

He'd go through the house like Typhoon Mary. - Archie Bunker

Hot flushes and mentalpause. House of ill refute. - Archie Bunker

Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves. - Italian Proverb

It is easier to demolish a house than to build one. - Irish proverb

The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

He's got that big house to maintain in San Clemency. - Archie Bunker

An empty purse and a new house make a man wise, but too late. - Portuguese Proverb

I have so much hair, I have a separate wig closet in my house. - Sherri Shepherd

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

At worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived. - Rose Macaulay

In the haunted house of life, art is the only stair that doesn't creak. - Tom Robbins

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. - Steven Wright

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. - Ambrose Bierce

I wouldn't run for President. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house. - Bono

Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm. - Oscar Wilde

If you burn your neighbor's house down, it doesn't make your house look any better. - Lou Holtz

So finally, the great Jefferson, who always reclined to cross my freshhold is into the house. - Archie Bunker

If we build in the desert, let the house know the desert and the desert be proud of the house. - Frank Lloyd Wright

The fantasy of every Australian man is to have two women - one cleaning and the other dusting. - Maurenn Murphy

It's not my fault I was dragged out of my house by a mob and forced to predict the weather. - Punxsutawney Phil

You need a plan to build a house. To build a life, it is even more important to have a plan or goal. - Zig Ziglar

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

When I moved out of my mom's house at 18 I was almost as sad to leave her sewing machine behind as anything else. - Beth Ditto

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken and there's a lot of throwing up. - Ray Romano

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. - Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. - Steven Wright

The worst thing about work in the house or home is that whatever you do it is destroyed, laid waste or eaten within twenty-four hours. - Lady Hasluck

Science is built up with facts, as a house is with stones. But a collection of facts is not more a science than a heap of stones is a house. - Jules Poincare

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. - Steven Wright

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon

Charity is a very personal equation, like we say charity begins at home. It starts with your immediate help in the house: the people who work for you. - Malaika A. Khan