Redneck House Cleaning

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

A house divided against itself cannot stand. - Abraham Lincoln

A road to a friend's house is never long. - Danish Proverb

Choose your neighbor before you buy your house. - African Proverb

One aged man - one man - can't fill a house. - Robert Frost

Hot flushes and mentalpause. House of ill refute. - Archie Bunker

The words you speak become the house you live in. - Hafiz

The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I can't clean house and save the world at the same time. - Unknown

Bricks may make a house, but the laughter of children makes a home. - Irish Proverb

I will clean house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. - Roseanne Barr

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

In the haunted house of life, art is the only stair that doesn't creak. - Tom Robbins

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. - Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. - Steven Wright

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. - WC Fields

What is the use of a house if you haven’t got a tolerable planet to put it on? - Henry David Thoreau

Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm. - Oscar Wilde

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. - Robin Williams

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

I want a house with a garden, but slap bang in the centre of London. Next door to a sushi bar. - Michelle Dockery

Crafting fills my life, and my closets, and my drawers, and every empty tote bag in the house. - Unknown

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. - Phyllis Diller

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

The Honourable Lady was once an egg and people on both sides of this House greatly regret its fertilisation. - Nicholas Fairbairn

I'm 42 around the chest, 52 around the waist, 92 around the golf course, and a nuisance around the house. - Groucho Marx

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. - Steven Wright

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate.
What's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House? - Will Rogers

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. - Nora Ephron

When I moved out of my mom's house at 18 I was almost as sad to leave her sewing machine behind as anything else. - Beth Ditto

Eden is that old-fashioned house
We dwell in every day
Without suspecting our abode
Until we drive away. - Emily Dickinson

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. - Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. - Steven Wright

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken and there's a lot of throwing up. - Ray Romano

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. - Steven Wright

Every woman's dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed... and clean the whole house while she sleeps. - Unknown

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. - Steven Wright

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon