#1 humor site on the 'net

Autumn Tree

Seasonal splendour in changing of the guard

Autumn Tree thanks to Karen Moore

QuotaBills
Every man under his own fig tree. - Hebrew Saying

Follow the grain in your own wood. - Howard Thurman

Relief: What trees do in the spring - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My family tree could use some pruning. - Unknown

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Hunger will lead a fox out of the forest. - Poland Proverb

The apple will fall under the apple tree. - Greek Proverb

Newly Hatched Termites: Babes in the wood - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Time spent amongst trees is never wasted time. - Katrina Mayer

Chop your own wood, and it will warm you twice. - Henry Ford

Dialogue: Changing the colour of a piece of wood - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Pencil: A tiny tree used to draw a line in the sand - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit. - Moliere

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. - Rodney Dangerfield

A chip on the shoulder is a sure sign of wood higher up. - Brigham Young

Preoccupied with a single leaf you won't see the tree. - Vagabond

Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit. - Khalil Gibran

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree. - Joyce Kilmer

When you think about a walking tree, laughter is the response. - John Rhys-Davies

Character is the root of the tree; conduct, the fruit it bears. - E.M. Bounds

Disbelief: How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw. - Eileen Curtright

If you tell a joe-k in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joe-k? - Steven Wright

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come. - Chinese Proverb

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, does it make a sound? - Unknown

The mind is not a vessel that needs filling but wood that needs igniting. - Plutarch

Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Learn not to talk to me. You shake the tree, a leopard's going to fall out. - Kobe Bryant

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. - Fred Allen

Each has his own tree of ancestors, but at the top of all sits Probably Arboreal. - Robert Louis Stevenson

I enjoy the spring more than the autumn now. One does, I think, as one gets older. - Virginia Woolf

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

As the sculptor devotes himself to wood and stone, I would devote myself to my soul. - Toyohiko Kagawa

From such crooked wood as that which man is made of, nothing straight can be fashioned. - Immanuel Kant

A cold wind was blowing from the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things. - George R.R. Martin

Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago. - Warren Buffett

The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment. - Doug Larson

Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. - Martin Luther

The stars are like the trees in the forest, alive and breathing. And they're watching me. - Haruki Murakami

If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend the first four hours sharpening the axe. - Abraham Lincoln

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. - Thomas Jefferson

If you reveal your secrets to the wind, don't blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. - Kahlil Gibran

The difference between a gun and a tree is a difference of tempo. The tree explodes every spring. - Ezra Pound

We breathe air, trees make air, homework kills trees, therefore homework is going to kill us all. - Unknown

Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence. - Hal Borland

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

Autumn is really the best of the seasons; and I'm not sure that old age isn't the best part of life. - C S Lewis

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. - John Muir

He that climbs the tall tree has won the right to the fruit; he that leaps the wide gulf should prevail in his suit. - Walter Scott

Monkey: 1. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees; 2. A key that won't open a door. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Should not a career be something splendid, wonderful, spectacular or, at the very least, something varied and exciting? - Lucy Maud Montgomery

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise. - Paula Poundstone

Geometry: 1. What the acorn said after it grew up; 2. A tree made up of numbers and letters; 3. Without geometry, life is pointless. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go. - Jarod Kintz

On the top of the Crumpetty Tree
The Quangle Wangle sat,
But his face you could not see,
On account of his Beaver Hat. - Edward Lear

Wolves directly affect the entire ecosystem, not just moose populations, their main prey, because less moose equals more tree growth. - Rolf Peterson

In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful. - Alice Walker

I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery - air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, 'This is what it is to be happy.' - Sylvia Plath

A diamond doesn't start out polished and shining. It once was nothing special, but with enough pressure and time, becomes spectacular. - Solange Nicole

Love is like the wild-rose briar, friendship like the holly-tree. The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms, but which will bloom most constantly? - Emily Bronte

I'm always tinkering with something - suddenly I'll think I can work with wood, but then I'll realize I can't, so I go back to sewing. - Melissa McCarthy


Welfare State

No Flies On Me

Stick Family Meal

Wet Floor

Lord Of The Watch

Close Encounters of the Whale Kind

Military Watch Tower

No Go Intersection

Public Transportation In Scotland

Guarded Nights

Financial Meltdown

Fox Kabob

Microwaved Bulb... Watts You Won't See

Saks-e Parking Job

Griller Bees

Texting While Cycling

Redneck Manicure

Police Profiling In Canada

Tree Stand

No Worries

Hospital Gown Insurance

Facebook Red Light

Redneck Speed Bump

Scientific Driving Test