#1 humor site on the 'net

Welfare Dogs

Does your dog have what it takes?

Welfare Dogs thanks to Roy Taylor

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, 'Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.' So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in colour, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no friggin' clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks on Friday. Damn, this is a great country!

QuotaBills
Welfare incipients - Archie Bunker

Love me, love my dog. - English Proverb

France is a dog-hole. - William Shakespeare

Every dog has his day. - Unknown

Let fightin' dogs lie - Archie Bunker

Dogs never bite me. Just humans. - Marilyn Monroe

A dog has the soul of a philosopher. - Plato

How much is that doggie in the window? - Bob Merrill

The view only changes for the lead dog. - Norman O. Brown

You can't teach a young dog old tricks. - Warren Buffet

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. - Madame de Stael

Man is not free unless government is limited. - Ronald Reagan

Get the hanging dog expression off your face. - Archie Bunker

He who lies down with dogs, rises with fleas. - English Proverb

If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. - Harry S Truman

A government of law is a government of lawyers. - Saying

Flatterers looks like friends, as wolves like dogs. - George Chapman

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons. - Will Rogers

Government is an endless pursuit of new ways to tax. - Unknown

Most bad government results from too much government. - Thomas Jefferson

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. - H L Mencken

A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves. - Bertrand de Jouvenel

A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top. - James Reston

The dog who meets with a good master is the happier of the two. - Maurice Maeterlinck

I believe that truth is the glue that holds government together. - Gerald R. Ford

World War II was the last government program that really worked. - George Will

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. - Andrew A. Rooney

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer. - Leo Rosten

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. - Bob Wells

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. - Phyllis Diller

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. - Edith Sitwell

I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow, than a man swear he loves me. - William Shakespeare

It was a great interview process. They were fighting like cats and dogs. - Donald Trump

There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers

Government of the people, by the people, and for the pursuit of happiness. - Archie Bunker

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you. - Mary Bly

Freedom of opinion can only exist when the government thinks itself secure. - Bertrand Russell

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government. - Mark Twain

Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers

Either the government will be given to us or we shall seize it by marching on Rome. - Benito Mussolini

Raising boys is like raising puppies. One must take them for a walk every few hours. - Jody Defries

Of all the tasks of government, the most basic is to protect its citizens from violence. - John Foster Dulles

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

It's not the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog. - Mark Twain

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. - Woody Allen

Get a good idea and stay with it. Dog it, and work at it until it's done, and done right. - Walt Disney

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs. - Martha Scott

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. - P.J. O'Rourke

The single most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it's so rare. - Daniel P Moynihan

What a pity Hell's gates are not kept by O'Flynn
The surly old dog would let nobody in. - Patrick Ireland

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don't go into government. - Donald Trump

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand. - Milton Friedman

Our whole constitutional heritage rebels at the thought of giving government the power to control men's minds. - Thurgood Marshall

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper and you get more feet. - Rita Rudner

An actor is never so great as when he reminds you of an animal - falling like a cat, lying like a dog, moving like a fox. - Francois Truffaut

I still play hockey every now and then, and I still golf. But my biggest exercise is walking my big dog in the park every day. - Michael J. Fox

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are,
"I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. - Steven Wright

When one may pay out over two million dollars to presidential and Congressional campaigns, the U.S. government is virtually up for sale. - John W. Gardner

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home. - Winston Churchill

Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him, better take a closer look at the American Indian. - Henry Ford


Wine Signs

Ring Seating

Snow Aerobics

25 Toes

Wedding Cake Dress

Bacon Soda Sales

Wet Insect

Chinese New Year Greetings

2020 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars (3)

Gun Laws

Mounted Deer Antlers

Anti-Theft Car

SUV Haircut

Two Feet of Snow in Seattle

Chevforodge

Redneck Skurfing

Golf Prayer

Warmest Wishes for a Perfect Sunday

Walking The Dog

Bobslide Event

Holy Bagel

Happy Down Under Day

In Deep Water

Lean Beer