Birth Control At Its Finest

Birth patrol pills. - Archie Bunker

Thank God kids never mean well. - Lily Tomlin

Nature is cheaper than therapy. - M P Zarrella

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

An operation of the most extreme daring. - Alfred Jodl

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. - Rodney Dangerfield

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

Why is it we never get our bad medicine in small doses? - Edmund H North

Kids are life's only guaranteed bona fide upside surprise. - Jack Nicholson

After your death, you will be what you were before your birth. - Arthur Schopenhauer

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. - Rodney Dangerfield

Medicine is only for those who cannot imagine doing anything else. - Luanda Grazette

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett

Raising kids make most people, including me, grow up at least a little. - Madonna

Short of screaming-hot Thai food, everything can be suitable for kids too. - Guy Fieri

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire

When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? - Benny Hill

I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps. - Jimmy Kimmel

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

If you get a diagnosis, get on a therapy, keep a good attitude and keep your sense of humor. - Teri Garr

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer

No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over." - Archie Bunker

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

We cannot embrace God's forgiveness if we are so busy clinging to past wounds and nursing old grudges. - T D Jakes

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

Menopause: because nature decided that pregnancy, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, and stretch marks wasn't enough. - Unknown

Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body. - Leonardo da Vinci

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

Babies are bits of stardust, blown from the hand of God. Lucky the woman who knows the pangs of birth, for she has held a star. - Larry Barratto

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. - Jay Leno