Birth Control At Its Finest

Birth patrol pills. - Archie Bunker

Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. - Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds. - Buddha

There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

Raising kids make most people, including me, grow up at least a little. - Madonna

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. - Richard Lewis

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious. - Unknown

Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham

To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

Hopefully, kids realize you can do anything you want. Skateboarding can be that gateway. - Ryan Sheckler

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller

The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying

Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold

It's not uncommon to see kids on the school bus reading books and doing homework on the bus. - Anthony Amero

Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce

You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

Some of these people need ten years of therapy - ten sentences of mine do not equal ten years of therapy. - Oscar Wilde

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date. - Caroline Rhea

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

The circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. - Mewtwo

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. - Dennis Miller