Have A Seat, Mr. Bond

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. - Oscar Wilde

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. - Douglas Adams

Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben

I love shark week, all kids swim for free. - Josh Stern

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. - Ed Asner

Kids don't remember their best day of television. - Unknown

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein

Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. - Miguel de Unamuno

If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion. - Noam Chomsky

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. - Bill Maher

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons

All kids are gifted: some just open their packages earlier than others. - Michael Carr

Our separation from each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. - Albert Einstein

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious. - Unknown

Joy Of Motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the kids are in bed - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly. - Morticia Addams

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire

All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them. - Earvin "Magic" Johnson

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. - George Bernard Shaw

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure. - Scott Adams

If we would listen to our kids, we'd discover that they are largely self-explanatory. - Robert Brault

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! - Jarod Kintz

You know how kids dream of being soccer players or actors? Well, my dream was to be a sushi chef. - Nobu Matsuhisa

I just want to make sure when I have kids, I can spend time with them. That's the whole point. - Mark Zuckerberg

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over." - Archie Bunker

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash

You know you're a mom when you go to the store for yourself and come out with a bag of things for your kids. - Unknown

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman or Michael Jackson. - Bart Simpson

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

Having kids - the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings - is the biggest job anyone can embark on. - Maria Shriver

If you want your kids to listen to you, don't yell at them. Whisper. Make them lean in. My kids taught me that. I do it with adults now. - Mario Batali

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. - Phyllis Diller

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, 'keep away from children.' - Susan Savannah