#1 humor site on the 'net

How Much Time Left

Getting soon-to-be-expired prognosis from your Doctor

How Much Time Left thanks to Howard Chapman

Have you ever had a short time to live?

Life's final countdown
QuotaBills
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper

Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous

Dyspupsia: Being sick as a dog. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Drill Sergeant: An army dentist. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Dentist Office: A filling station - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

Diabetes is a lousy, lousy disease. - Elaine Stritch

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb

Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns

Space ails us moderns: we are sick with space. - Robert Frost

Sickness comes on horseback but departs on foot. - Dutch Proverb

False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito

There are life-threatening issues related to diabetes. - Stephen Wallem

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan

Jockey: What a dentist uses when you won't open your mouth - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. - Groucho Marx

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx

NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. - Mitch Hedberg

If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things. - Gilbert Gottfried

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust. - Don Herold

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen

Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense. - Beau M

This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

The doctors can cure all sorts of ills, except the shock of doctors' bills. - Unknown

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood

A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

If you want to get out of medicine the fullest enjoyment, be students all your lives. - David Riesman

I'm having difficulty getting the doctors around here to sign the appropriate form. - Spike Milligan

Life is not over because you have diabetes. Make the most of what you have, be grateful. - Dale Evans

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

Coaching doesn't make sick people well - it helps healthy people become extra-ordinary. - Thomas Leonard

I've just become a pensioner so I've started saving up for my own hospital trolley. - Tom Baker

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

Tanorexia: An obsessive desire to have tanned skin, placing the sufferer at risk of skin cancer - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

My physician has become warden of my medically imprisoned body, pharmaceuticals the bars on my cell. - Grey E. Livingston

When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. - Johnny Carson

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

I was determined to share my positive approach and not let diabetes stand in the way of enjoying my life. - Paula Deen

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Most ballet teachers in the United States are terrible. If they were in medicine, everyone would be poisoned. - George Balanchine

My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary. - Martin Luther

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

'Tis not always in a physician's power to cure the sick; at times the disease is stronger than trained art. - Ovid

Being diagnosed with diabetes can be a very scary thing, and it can easily make your life stand still for a moment. - Charlie Kimball

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

The public needs to know - they need to know as much about atrial fibrillation as they do about cancer and diabetes. - Barry Manilow

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden

I chalk up the fact that I got diabetes to my body saying, 'Dude, you have been doing wrong for way too long!' - Randy Jackson

I do get scared of the dentist, so a drive-through dentist might make me feel more at home. If I got to stay in my car. - Jessica Pare

The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted

Albert Schweitzer's philosophy is that a sick, miserable African of today can be a strong healthy cannibal tomorrow. - Joe E Lewis

It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope

'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz

A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown

Trying to manage diabetes is hard because if you don't, there are consequences you'll have to deal with later in life. - Bryan Adams

The art of healing comes from nature, not from the physician. Therefore the physician must start from nature, with an open mind. - Paracelsus

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. - Anton Chekhov

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off of your life. Based on that math, I should have died in 1732. - Unknown

When enough people care about autism or diabetes or global warming, it helps everyone, even if only a tiny fraction actively participate. - Seth Godin

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

You've heard of people calling in sick. You may have called in sick a few times yourself. But have you ever thought about calling in well? - Tom Robbins

There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman

If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise

I'm going to make people happy. I'm going to make them forget about their cancer. I'm going to make them forget about their diabetes. - Dick Dale

A physician's physiology has much the same relation to his power of healing as a cleric's divinity has to his power of influencing conduct. - Samuel Butler

When you are called to a sick man, be sure you know what the matter is — if you do not know, nature can do a great deal better than you can guess. - Nicholas de Belleville

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler

I am keeping with tradition today. After I learned of my Golden Globe nomination, I went to the dentist, so today, let's make it the orthodontist. - Frankie Muniz


Wishy-Washy Church

'Cover Girl' Magazine

One At A Time

Shofar So Good

Temple Car

Closing Time

Wine Glass Lanyard

Awning Truck Advertising

Plugged In

Org Chart - Simplified Version

Extreme Value

Instant Acrophobia

How To Hire Engineers

Business School Basics

Waterwheel Rotisserie

Elephant Bus

Promote Yourself

Time Machine

Redneck Engagement Ring

Forever Clean Toilet

Edible Clock

Up-Set & Hungry Trucks

Bear Pinata

Swim Vacation