How The Grinch Really Stole Christmas

Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker

The perfect man? A poet on a motorcycle. - Lucinda Williams

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost. - Milton Berle

That's all the motorcycle is, a system of concepts worked out in steel. - Robert M. Pirsig

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

Keep your bike in good repair: motorcycle boots are not comfortable for walking. - Unknown

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

Most motorcycle problems are caused by the nut that connects the handlebars to the saddle. - Unknown

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. - Emo Philips

Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies. - Phyllis Diller

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. - Unknown

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

My life is the land, the dogs, the car, the motorcycle, the pond, the canoe, going to pick up mail. It's just a rural retreat that I enjoy. - Burt Shavitz