Young Mechanic Apprentice

I go through life like a Karate Kid. - Britney Spears

Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park. - Unknown

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. - Ed Asner

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

Kids are life's only guaranteed bona fide upside surprise. - Jack Nicholson

We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best. - Bob Talbert

All kids are gifted: some just open their packages earlier than others. - Michael Carr

Short of screaming-hot Thai food, everything can be suitable for kids too. - Guy Fieri

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if he wanted to be one? - Jackie Mason

I'm not buying my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. - Yogi Berra

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

Your mother's down there throwing a monkey wrench into the halls of justice. - Archie Bunker

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon. - Brian P. Cleary

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone, you answer it. - Dave Chappelle

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. - Demetri Martin

You have to look for teachers. If you want to be a mechanic, go hang out with mechanics. - Robert Kiyosaki

I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps. - Jimmy Kimmel

A rich person should leave his kids enough to do something, but not enough to do nothing. - Warren Buffett

Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you're 12, but every single day. - Mike Myers

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. - George Burns

I just want to make sure when I have kids, I can spend time with them. That's the whole point. - Mark Zuckerberg

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. - Steven Wright

No kid is unsmart. Every kid's a genius at something. Our job is to find it. And then encourage it. - Robin Sharma

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. - Erma Bombeck

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians,
and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. - Groucho Marx

The minute there's a map, there is no art. Paint by numbers is not art. Paint by numbers is a mechanical activity. - Seth Godin

To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway

You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P.J. O'Rourke

When I was a kid, one cop could have taken care of the whole neighborhood. Now, one cop wouldn't be safe in the neighborhood. - Mike Royko

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

Having kids - the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings - is the biggest job anyone can embark on. - Maria Shriver

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? - Homer Simpson

I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school. - Unknown

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, 'keep away from children.' - Susan Savannah