Cracks Me Up

Friccastewing a chicken on the hotplate - Archie Bunker

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. - Oscar Wilde

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. - Douglas Adams

One good egg in a barrel of rotten apples. - Archie Bunker

God gives the nuts, but He does not crack them. - German proverb

I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin. - Gwyneth Paltrow

Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. - Ludwig Borne

What a strange illusion to suppose that beauty is goodness. - Leo Tolstoy

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein

Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. - Miguel de Unamuno

Illusion is the dust the devil throws in the eyes of the foolish. - Minna Antrim

There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen

It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. - Unknown

Our separation from each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. - Albert Einstein

My idea of baking is buying a ready-make cake mix and throwing in an egg. - Cilla Black

Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly. - Morticia Addams

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" - Steven Wright

I love my squirrel and dumplings, but you can make it with chicken and dumplings. - Kay Robertson

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

Like the cosmetics industry, the securities business is engaged in selling illusion. - Paul Samuelson

Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken of the sea. - Jessica Simpson

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure. - Scott Adams

Thank God I've got eyebrows like bacon, because I've always got egg on my face. - Jarod Kintz

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math. - Tina Fey

Being kissed by a man who doesn't wax his moustache is like eating an egg without salt. - Rudyard Kipling

We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality. - Irish Murdoch

I unfortunately still crave chicken McNuggets and bacon, which is the meat candy of the world. - Katy Perry

The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it. - Ellen Glasgow

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. - Mark Twain

My brother thinks he's a chicken.
We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs. - Groucho Marx

For my part, I prefer my heart to be broken. It is so lovely, dawn-kaleidoscopic within the crack. - D.H. Lawrence

The illusion that the times that were are better than those that are has probably pervaded all ages. - Horace Greeley

Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor. - Helen Rowland

I'm going to the Colonel next. I'm gonna get a big bucket of chicken chests and smashed potatoes. - Archie Bunker

People judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold, but so has a hard-boiled egg. - Unknown

Any processed chicken from any place - I'll order it in a heartbeat. I'm very picky about my pork, though. - David Chang

I love lean meats like chicken, turkey. I'm obsessed with sushi and fish in general. I eat a lot of veggies and hummus. - Shawn Johnson

A reputation, once damaged, may possibly be repaired, but the world will always keep their eyes on the spot where the crack was. - Joseph Hall

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin. - Dave Attell

Love easily confuses us because it is always in flux between illusion and substance, between memory and wish, between contentment and need. - Tom Robbins