Kenwood Chef

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. - Groucho Marx

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

No man should plant more garden than his wife can hoe. - Old Saying

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. - Amy Grant

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

Marriage is but for a little while. It is alimony that is forever. - Quentin Crisp

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside. - Frank Pittman

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. - Anne Bradstreet

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. - Mignon McLaughlin

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right. - Richard Pryor

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. - Unknown

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. - Phyllis Diller

It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin, but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. - Oscar Wilde

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon