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Southern State Troopers

Adding salt to the wound to y'all Down South

Southern State Troopers thanks to Gus Souza

Police responses to those with almost-good ticket excuses

1. "You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new.
They’ll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you."

6. "You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

13. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
(National Crime Information Center)

14. "Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?"

15. "I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.
So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets?
You’re right, we don’t. Sign here."

QuotaBills
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. - Will Rogers

The crime of loving is forgetting. - Maurice Chevalier

Police do not belong in war zones. - Daniel K Moran

Not failure, but low aim, is crime. - J. R. Lowell

Procrastination is the thief of time. - Edward Young

A friend to honesty and a foe to crime. - Allan Pinkerton

Goose Bumps: To keep geese from speeding - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

An art thief is a man who takes pictures. - George Carlin

Suspicion often creates what it suspects. - C S Lewis

Behind every great fortune there is a crime. - Honore de Balzac

Show me a liar, and I'll show you a thief. - George Herbert

Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime. - G. Gordon Liddy

Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper? - Princess Leia

The police must obey the law while enforcing the law. - Earl Warren

All mothers have intuition. The great ones have radar. - Cathy Guisewite

Stop crime at its source - support planned parenthood. - Robert Byrne

He who has reaped the profits has committed the crime. - Seneca

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. - William Shakespeare

I think crime pays. The hours are good, and you travel a lot. - Woody Allen

Police Station: A place where sleeping is all right in a pinch - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Rape is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused. - Freda Adler

Don King is a big ... thief, and everyone in this room knows it. - Donald Trump

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw

I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist. - George Carlin

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. - Dudley Moore

It is a lot harder now to be a police officer than what it used to be. - Steven Seagal

The world's second-most crime is boredom; the first is being a bore. - Cecil Beaton

When a police officer tells you to stay in the car, you stay in the car. - Reese Witherspoon

Save a thief from the gallows and he will be the first to cut your throat. - Italian Proverb

Sleeping is my drug; my bed is my dealer; and my alarm clock is the police. - Unknown

I wanted a man who wouldn't stray so I'm dating a guy on house arrest. - Kim Bove

The police are not here to create disorder, they;re here to preserve disorder. - Richard J Daley

The police force cannot be completely independent of the executive government. - P Chidambaram

Outside of the killings, D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Marion Barry

I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. - J.D. Salinger

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? - George Carlin

Tabloid: 1. A newspaper with a permanent crime wave; 2. A screamlined newspaper. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime. - Ernest Hemingway

It's a proven fact that capital punishment is a well-known detergent to crime. - Archie Bunker

Let's commit the perfect crime. I'll steal your heart, and you steal mine. - Meryl Streep

The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley

I took a physical for some life insurance. All they would give me was fire and theft. - Milton Berle

Police: The only people who are paid to go around pinching people in the wrong places - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed. - Anthony Powell

Blind commitment to a theory is not an intellectual virtue: it is an intellectual crime. - Imre Lakatos

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. - Phyllis Diller

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. - Oscar Wilde

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? - George Carlin

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend. - Jack Nicholson

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. - Josh Billings

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

The police feel that most of the public are against them and that there is a lot of bad feeling. - Peter James

Police officers may drive black and white cars, however what goes on in their job is a lot of gray. - Arik Matson

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. - Steven Wright

The true identity theft is not financial. It's not in cyberspace. It's spiritual. It's been taken. - Stephen Covey

The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him. - G K Chesterton

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. - Jay Leno

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase

At the end of a marathon, it's going to hurt whether you're speeding up or slowing down. You may as well push. - Summer Sanders

I'm being kidnapped by a comforter, sheet and pillow. No need to call the police for I will be released by morning. - Unknown

When I was a kid, one cop could have taken care of the whole neighborhood. Now, one cop wouldn't be safe in the neighborhood. - Mike Royko

There is a blessed necessity by which the interest of men is always driving them to the right, and making all crime mean and ugly. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. - Yakov Smirnoff

One of the fondest expressions around is that we can't be the world's policeman. But guess who gets called when suddenly someone needs a cop. - Colin Powell


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