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The dog is the god of frolic. - Henry Ward Beecher

A hard dog to keep on the porch. - Hillary Clinton

Dogs never bite me. Just humans. - Marilyn Monroe

A dog has the soul of a philosopher. - Plato

How much is that doggie in the window? - Bob Merrill

The view only changes for the lead dog. - Norman O. Brown

Do your kids a favor - don't have any. - Robert Orben

A good bone does not always come to a good dog. - French Proverb

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. - Ed Asner

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - Steven Wright

Kids don't remember their best day of television. - Unknown

Better to be the head of a dog than the tail of a lion. - English Proverb

You know what's cool? My kids think I'm ordinary. - Michael J. Fox

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton

The only fence against the world is a thorough knowledge of it. - John Locke

We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

Only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window. - Unknown

A dog is a man's best friend. A cat is a cat's best friend. - Robert J Vogel

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P Jones

All kids are gifted: some just open their packages earlier than others. - Michael Carr

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive. - Kirk Douglas

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if he wanted to be one? - Jackie Mason

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. - Alex Haley

I'm like the kid in kindergarten; I really do send valentines to everyone. - Susie Bright

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs. - Alphonse de Lamartine

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon. - Brian P. Cleary

A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers

This is a Jewish cake - they give this to a Jewish kid before he gets circumscribed. - Archie Bunker

Raising boys is like raising puppies. One must take them for a walk every few hours. - Jody Defries

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. - Lewis Grizzard

If we would listen to our kids, we'd discover that they are largely self-explanatory. - Robert Brault

I've gone from being bullied by jocks as a kid to being bullied by nerds as an adult. - Chris Hardwick

It's not the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog. - Mark Twain

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's hardly ever for them. - Harry Hill

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies. - Charlie Sheen

You know how kids dream of being soccer players or actors? Well, my dream was to be a sushi chef. - Nobu Matsuhisa

Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs. - Martha Scott

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

Winning depends on where you put your priorities. It's usually best to put them over the fence. - Jason Giambi

No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over." - Archie Bunker

No kid is unsmart. Every kid's a genius at something. Our job is to find it. And then encourage it. - Robin Sharma

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one. - Archie Bunker

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view. - Sophia Loren

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash

When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news. - John B. Bogart

As a kid, you looked forward to Charlie Brown during Halloween and you looked forward to Monday Night Football. - Nick Ferguson

An actor is never so great as when he reminds you of an animal - falling like a cat, lying like a dog, moving like a fox. - Francois Truffaut

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman or Michael Jackson. - Bart Simpson

You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P.J. O'Rourke

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

When it comes to hockey, it's been in my blood since I was 3 or 4 years old. I love coaching the kids, especially at that level. - Mario Lemieux

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

The trout enjoys the river,
The whale enjoys the sea,
And dogs love most an old lamp-post,
But you're my cup of tea. - W H Auden

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. - Phyllis Diller

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. - Mark Twain

Among God's creatures two, the dog and the guitar, have taken all the sizes and all the shapes, in order not to be separated from the man. - Andres Segovia


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