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Let sleeping dogs lie. - French Proverb

Let fightin' dogs lie - Archie Bunker

A hard dog to keep on the porch. - Hillary Clinton

Dogs never bite me. Just humans. - Marilyn Monroe

I go through life like a Karate Kid. - Britney Spears

How much is that doggie in the window? - Bob Merrill

I am I because my little dog knows me. - Gertrude Stein

Dogs that bark at a distance never bite. - Unknown

I love shark week, all kids swim for free. - Josh Stern

Great shot kid, that was one in a million. - Han Solo

He who lies down with dogs, rises with fleas. - English Proverb

If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. - Harry S Truman

Throw physic to the dogs; I'll none of it. - William Shakespeare

Don't think to hunt two hares with one dog. - Benjamin Franklin

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - Steven Wright

Kids don't remember their best day of television. - Unknown

When I was a kid everyone used to call me pork 'n. - Michael Biehn

You know what's cool? My kids think I'm ordinary. - Michael J. Fox

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield

The dog who meets with a good master is the happier of the two. - Maurice Maeterlinck

We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. - Andrew A. Rooney

Only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window. - Unknown

I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow, than a man swear he loves me. - William Shakespeare

All kids are gifted: some just open their packages earlier than others. - Michael Carr

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford

Short of screaming-hot Thai food, everything can be suitable for kids too. - Guy Fieri

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. - Alex Haley

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon. - Brian P. Cleary

Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed. - Don Rickles

All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them. - Earvin "Magic" Johnson

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. - Rodney Dangerfield

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. - Lewis Grizzard

I can get motivated seeing a kid at my son's school overcome a learning disability. - Jason Alexander

If we would listen to our kids, we'd discover that they are largely self-explanatory. - Robert Brault

I've gone from being bullied by jocks as a kid to being bullied by nerds as an adult. - Chris Hardwick

I love working in Canada. The ovation is great. It makes me feel like I'm the top dog. - Owen Hart

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's hardly ever for them. - Harry Hill

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

You know how kids dream of being soccer players or actors? Well, my dream was to be a sushi chef. - Nobu Matsuhisa

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. - George Burns

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. - Christopher Hampton

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one. - Archie Bunker

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash

As a kid, you looked forward to Charlie Brown during Halloween and you looked forward to Monday Night Football. - Nick Ferguson

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. - Unknown

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. - Jarod Kintz

An actor is never so great as when he reminds you of an animal - falling like a cat, lying like a dog, moving like a fox. - Francois Truffaut

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman or Michael Jackson. - Bart Simpson

When I was a kid, one cop could have taken care of the whole neighborhood. Now, one cop wouldn't be safe in the neighborhood. - Mike Royko

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. - Mark Twain