Girlfriends

To stop aging, keep on raging. - Michael Forbes

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

Recipe for a happy husband: Fake and Bake. - Unknown

A song will outlive all sermons in the memory. - Henry Giles

Her husband was infidelicate with another woman. - Archie Bunker

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

Here's to our wives and girlfriends - may they never meet. - Groucho Marx

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. - Unknown

I got a new set of golf clubs for my husband. Best trade I ever made. - Unknown

Do you Edith....take Archie Bunker to be your lawfully bedded husband? - Archie Bunker

Forget aging. If you're six feet above ground, it's a good day. - Faith Hill

Obscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. - Bertrand Russell

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. - Judith Regan

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. - Mia Farrow

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Aging is the extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been. - David Bowie

Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of your widow's next husband. - American Proverb

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. - Doug Larson

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend. - Jack Nicholson

If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America. - Donald Trump

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller

Hard work is the soundest investment. It provides a neat security for your widow's next husband. - Unknown

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. - Phyllis Diller

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit. - Jason Love

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

I'm grateful that I never was that senior athlete who realized she'd done nothing but train all her life. - Clara Hughes

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. - Steven Wright

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid; 'What am I going to do with two dead dogs?' - Gary Delaney

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks. - Rick Lantern

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me. - Randy Kagan

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer