Girlfriends

To stop aging, keep on raging. - Michael Forbes

I'm not aging, I'm marinating. - Unknown

Recipe for a happy husband: Fake and Bake. - Unknown

Ideal Wife: Any woman who has an ideal husband - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Can you fix my husband? He says he's broke. - Unknown

Her husband was infidelicate with another woman. - Archie Bunker

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

Veiled Threat: When your girlfriend hints at a wedding - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life. - Daniel F E Auber

My husband's idea of a good night out is a good night in. - Maureen Lipman

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. - John Wagner

I got a new set of golf clubs for my husband. Best trade I ever made. - Unknown

The husband who desires to surprise is often very much surprised himself. - Voltaire

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. - Tom Ward

Obscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. - Bertrand Russell

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. - Judith Regan

Sure I'm for helping the elderly. I'm going to be old myself some day. - Lillian Carter

Husband-hunting: A sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez

Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of your widow's next husband. - American Proverb

You can lead audiences to a half-dressed, aging pop star but you can't make them watch. - Megan Basham

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

Wise Husband: One who buys his wife such fine china she won't trust him to wash the dishes - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller

Hard work is the soundest investment. It provides a neat security for your widow's next husband. - Unknown

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. - Phyllis Diller

My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit. - Jason Love

I'm grateful that I never was that senior athlete who realized she'd done nothing but train all her life. - Clara Hughes

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. - Steven Wright

My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid; 'What am I going to do with two dead dogs?' - Gary Delaney

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

Aging: 1. A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible; 2. A one-way street with no stoplights. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller