Girlfriends

To stop aging, keep on raging. - Michael Forbes

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

A song will outlive all sermons in the memory. - Henry Giles

Can you fix my husband? He says he's broke. - Unknown

Aging wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul. - Douglas MacArthur

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland

Jello: The only food your husband has ever learned to cook - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

Here's to our wives and girlfriends - may they never meet. - Groucho Marx

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. - Unknown

I got a new set of golf clubs for my husband. Best trade I ever made. - Unknown

Forget aging. If you're six feet above ground, it's a good day. - Faith Hill

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

The husband who desires to surprise is often very much surprised himself. - Voltaire

Obscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. - Bertrand Russell

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. - Mia Farrow

My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez

Aging is the extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been. - David Bowie

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend. - Jack Nicholson

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. - Rita Rudner

Hard work is the soundest investment. It provides a neat security for your widow's next husband. - Unknown

My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it. - Dottie Archibald

My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit. - Jason Love

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

I'm grateful that I never was that senior athlete who realized she'd done nothing but train all her life. - Clara Hughes

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. - Groucho Marx

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner. - Jerry Seinfeld

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

I don't sit around thinking that I'd like to have another husband; only another man would make me think that way. - Lauren Bacall

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid; 'What am I going to do with two dead dogs?' - Gary Delaney

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle