Girlfriends

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

I'm not aging, I'm marinating. - Unknown

Her husband was infidelicate with another woman. - Archie Bunker

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

My husband is a general's chauffeur somewhere in France. - Lillie Langtry

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

Here's to our wives and girlfriends - may they never meet. - Groucho Marx

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright

I'm aging like fine wine. I'm getting complex and fruity. - Unknown

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

I got a new set of golf clubs for my husband. Best trade I ever made. - Unknown

Do you Edith....take Archie Bunker to be your lawfully bedded husband? - Archie Bunker

Forget aging. If you're six feet above ground, it's a good day. - Faith Hill

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. - Judith Regan

My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me. - Bette Midler

Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. - Mia Farrow

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. - Doug Larson

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There's a dead bird." He looked up. - Phyllis Diller

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend. - Jack Nicholson

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. - Phyllis Diller

My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it. - Dottie Archibald

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

I'm grateful that I never was that senior athlete who realized she'd done nothing but train all her life. - Clara Hughes

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. - Groucho Marx

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner. - Jerry Seinfeld

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

I don't sit around thinking that I'd like to have another husband; only another man would make me think that way. - Lauren Bacall

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. - Wendy Liebman

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller