Girlfriends

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

Recipe for a happy husband: Fake and Bake. - Unknown

A song will outlive all sermons in the memory. - Henry Giles

Can you fix my husband? He says he's broke. - Unknown

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland

Jello: The only food your husband has ever learned to cook - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life. - Daniel F E Auber

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. - John Wagner

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

The husband who desires to surprise is often very much surprised himself. - Voltaire

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. - Tom Ward

Sure I'm for helping the elderly. I'm going to be old myself some day. - Lillian Carter

Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. - Mia Farrow

Aging is the extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been. - David Bowie

Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of your widow's next husband. - American Proverb

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There's a dead bird." He looked up. - Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? - Phyllis Diller

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked. - Phyllis Diller

My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit. - Jason Love

I'm grateful that I never was that senior athlete who realized she'd done nothing but train all her life. - Clara Hughes

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. - Groucho Marx

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. - Steven Wright

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

I don't sit around thinking that I'd like to have another husband; only another man would make me think that way. - Lauren Bacall

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me. - Randy Kagan

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." - Phyllis Diller