Girlfriends

A good husband is healthy and absent. - Japanese Proverb

I'm not aging, I'm marinating. - Unknown

A song will outlive all sermons in the memory. - Henry Giles

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers

Aging wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul. - Douglas MacArthur

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland

My husband is a general's chauffeur somewhere in France. - Lillie Langtry

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

My husband's idea of a good night out is a good night in. - Maureen Lipman

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr

Here's to our wives and girlfriends - may they never meet. - Groucho Marx

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. - Unknown

I'm aging like fine wine. I'm getting complex and fruity. - Unknown

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. - John Wagner

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

The husband who desires to surprise is often very much surprised himself. - Voltaire

Obscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. - Bertrand Russell

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. - Judith Regan

Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown

Husband-hunting: A sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez

Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of your widow's next husband. - American Proverb

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. - Rita Rudner

Hard work is the soundest investment. It provides a neat security for your widow's next husband. - Unknown

My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it. - Dottie Archibald

My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit. - Jason Love

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

I'm grateful that I never was that senior athlete who realized she'd done nothing but train all her life. - Clara Hughes

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. - Steven Wright

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me. - Randy Kagan

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer