#1 humor site on the 'net

My Last Swim In The Ocean

When deep sea creatures come a little too close

My Last Swim In The Ocean thanks to Shawn Kennedy

Showing off Safety at the beach

QuotaBills
Just keep swimming. - Finding Nemo

Sushi Vendor: A sell-fish guy - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Nobody's sweetheart is ugly. - Dutch Proverb

Paraffins: Found on sides of fish - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

An ugly sight, a man who is afraid. - Jean Anouilh

Only dead fish swim with the stream. - Malcolm Muggeridge

Nothing is ugly as long as it is alive. - Coco Chanel

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones. - Helena Rubinstein

Fish and visitors stink after three days. - Benjamin Franklin

I love shark week, all kids swim for free. - Josh Stern

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a net. - Cynthia Heimel

Politics is just show business for ugly people. - Jay Leno

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. - Irina Dunn

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it. - Jonathan Winters

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet? - Steven Wright

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. - George Burns

This is the place to be - in the land of swimming pools. - David Hockney

Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover

At high tide, fish eat ants; at low tide, ants eat fish. - Thai Saying

Retire to what? I already play golf and fish for a living. - Julius Boros

Do not read beauty magazines. They only make you feel ugly. - Mary Schmich

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. - Mark Twain

A sushi chef has to spot the best-quality fresh fish instantly. - Nobu Matsuhisa

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. - Will Rogers

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. - Benjamin Franklin

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. - Rodney Dangerfield

A lawyer is an odd sort of fish, first rotten, then green, then ripe. - Robert Christy

To be born in India is to arrive into the world swimming in religion. - Ravi Zacharias

No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish. - John Ruskin

Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Do not overdo it. - Lao Tzu

Fish die belly upward, and rise to the surface. Its their way of falling. - Andre Gide

Clement Attlee reminds me of a dead fish before it has had time to stiffen. - George Orwell

Any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming. - John Steinbeck

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly. - Oscar Wilde

It's only when the tide goes out that you learn who's been swimming naked. - Warren Buffett

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. - Rodney Dangerfield

Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish. - Ovid

No living thing is ugly in this world. Even a tarantula considers itself beautiful. - Munia Khan

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill

The great tragedy of science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. - Aldous Huxley

If I swim in the ocean, I have a shark thought. Not a bad one, but just a little one. - Tea Leoni

Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken of the sea. - Jessica Simpson

I went fishing with Rod Ewert. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. - Steven Wright

They laughed at Robert Fulton but without him, New York wouldn't have a fish market. - Archie Bunker

Governing a large country is like frying a small fish. You spoil it with too much poking. - Lao-Tzu

It's the Olympics. If you can't get up to swim early in the morning, don't go. - Michael Phelps

The dent in his car is hardly cold and he's coming over here to claim his pound of fish. - Archie Bunker

I drank because I wanted to drown my sorrows, but now the damned things have learned to swim. - Frida Kahlo

The opposite for courage is not cowardice, it is conformity. Even a dead fish can go with the flow. - Jim Hightower

The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. - James Baldwin

When they see me holding fish, they can see that I am comfortable with kings as well as with paupers. - Imelda Marcos

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield

Give a man a fish and you have fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you have fed him for a lifetime. - Chinese Proverb

I keep fit. Every morning, I do a hundred laps of an Olympic-sized swimming pool - in a small motor launch. - Peter Cook

If you are in the job for glamour, you're in for the shock of your life. The media is a huge shark pool. - Trisha Goddard

I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly. Tuna-fish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock. - Barbara Harrison

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - George Carlin

Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens. - Bill Murray

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. - Mark Twain

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. - Dave Barry

Happiness consists in activity: such is the constitution of our nature; it is a running stream, and not a stagnant pool. - John M. Good

Only when the last tree has withered, and the last fish caught, and the last river been poisoned, will we realize we cannot eat money. - Cree Proverb

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it was stupid. - Albert Einstein

Ugly animals have it rough. We're more likely to eat them or let them go extinct, and less likely to adopt them from animal shelters. - Joshua A Krisch

Memory is a net: one finds it full of fish when he takes it from the brook, but a dozen miles of water have run through it without sticking. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. - Rodney Dangerfield

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: "President Can't Swim." - Lyndon B. Johnson


Wine Time Finally

Scooter Hearse

Thailand Ferry

Hard Hat Safety

Water Coolant

Spray-On Clothing

Bright Bookshelf

Saddle Surprise

Politicians Be Like

Senior Aerobics

Foiled Again

Redneck Beer Hunter

Pair Produce

Potting Pot

Ice Cream Burqa

Dog Soother

Fourk

Women's Outhouse

Crocodile Floor

Hummer Carriage

Antler Switch Plate

Redneck Cotter Pin

Redneck Bulldozer

Your Fly Is Down