Tear-Paper Wall

Home is a refuge for all good men. - Unknown

Oscar night at my house is called Passover. - Bob Hope

Heaven is home. Utopia is here. Nirvana is now. - Edward Abbey

It is easier to demolish a house than to build one. - Irish proverb

I just heard from Bill Bailey. He's not coming home. - Henny Youngman

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. - Unknown

Go often to the house of a friend, for weeds choke the unused path. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

Don't ya know it's bad luck to keep icrons in a Christian home? - Archie Bunker

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store. - Kin Hubbard

I wouldn't run for President. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house. - Bono

I love contemporary art, although I wouldn't want a pickled shark in my house. - Bruno Tonioli

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now. - Bob Newhart

God gives men wisdom as he gives them gold; his treasure house is not the mint, but the mine. - Arabic Proverb

Maybe I'd like to run around the house in my drawers, and with her here, I felt inhabited. - Archie Bunker

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

It's not my fault I was dragged out of my house by a mob and forced to predict the weather. - Punxsutawney Phil

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs. - Steven Wright

No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days. - Plautus

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

One of television's great contributions is that it brought murder back into the home, where it belongs. - Alfred Hitchcock

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller

There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan

We can't win at home, we can't win away. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play. - Jock Brown

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

I do get scared of the dentist, so a drive-through dentist might make me feel more at home. If I got to stay in my car. - Jessica Pare

A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it. - Don Fraser

I could dance with you till the cows come home...
on second thought, I'll dance with the cows till you come home. - Groucho Marx

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. - Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. - Steven Wright

NASA scientists have been studying giraffe skin so they can apply what they learn from it to the construction of spacesuits. - Joanna Lumley

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. - Steven Wright

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe

Hockey on roller skates is like MMA in a bounce house: the elements are there, but the medium makes the whole thing ridiculous. - David Walton

Camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home. - Yvonne Prinz

Sometimes, giving up your privacy is a little like going to the dentist and we have let him have access that no one's ever had. - Tom Petty

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies." - Phyllis Diller

At fifty, the madwoman in the attic breaks loose, stomps down the stairs, and sets fire to the house. She won't be imprisoned anymore. - Erica Jong