That's My Bed

Love me, love my dog. - English Proverb

Let fightin' dogs lie - Archie Bunker

Thank God kids never mean well. - Lily Tomlin

Dogs never bite me. Just humans. - Marilyn Monroe

Bed is the poor man's opera. - Italian Proverb

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. - Unknown

I'm good in bed. I can sleep all day. - Unknown

I love shark week, all kids swim for free. - Josh Stern

A dog in desperation will leap over a wall. - Unknown

You can't teach a young dog old tricks. - Warren Buffet

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. - Madame de Stael

He who lies down with dogs, rises with fleas. - English Proverb

To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady. - Wilson Mizner

With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo

You have to get up early if you want to get out of bed. - Groucho Marx

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns

Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad. - WC Fields

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

I often take exercise. Only yesterday I had breakfast in bed. - Oscar Wilde

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called "Ego". - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

The dog who meets with a good master is the happier of the two. - Maurice Maeterlinck

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. - Andrew A. Rooney

In a sick-room or a bed-room there should never be shutters shut. - Florence Nightingale

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. - Phyllis Diller

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. - Benjamin Franklin

It was a great interview process. They were fighting like cats and dogs. - Donald Trump

Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious. - Unknown

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs. - Alphonse de Lamartine

Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed. - Don Rickles

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. - Demetri Martin

I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly

I've gone from being bullied by jocks as a kid to being bullied by nerds as an adult. - Chris Hardwick

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

Let Wall Street have a nightmare and the whole country has to help get them back in bed again. - Will Rogers

I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies. - Charlie Sheen

It's not uncommon to see kids on the school bus reading books and doing homework on the bus. - Anthony Amero

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. - George Burns

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

If Joan of Arc could turn the tide of an entire war before her 18th birthday, you can get out of bed. - E. Jean Carroll

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. - Steven Wright

Apparently, as a kid, I used to eat spiders. Maybe there's some Freudian significance behind that. - Matt Smith

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. - Christopher Hampton

Every boy needs a role model that he can be proud of and talk about to the other kids in the playground. - Athol Fugard

For us in Russia, communism is a dead dog, while, for many people in the West, it is still a living lion. - Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash

When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news. - John B. Bogart

What if the kid you bullied at school, grew up, and turned out to be the only surgeon who could save your life? - Lynette Mather

One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before you go to bed. - Ann Landers

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. - Jarod Kintz

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. - Phyllis Diller

I thank the Lord I no longer have to go to work. I just get out of bed in the morning, and there it is - all around me. - Unknown

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper and you get more feet. - Rita Rudner

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P.J. O'Rourke

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

Now I lay facedown on the bed, sobbing for the woman who once slept here not knowing that someday one of her worst fears would come true. - Jennifer Castle

If you want your kids to listen to you, don't yell at them. Whisper. Make them lean in. My kids taught me that. I do it with adults now. - Mario Batali

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. - Phyllis Diller

Among God's creatures two, the dog and the guitar, have taken all the sizes and all the shapes, in order not to be separated from the man. - Andres Segovia

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy. - Michelle Pfeiffer