Webster's First Dictionary

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

I've seen better fights at a wedding. - Harry Redknapp

For most of history, Anonymous was a woman. - Virginia Woolf

A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers. - Ruth Bell Graham

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey

As Unto The Bow The Cord Is, So Unto The Man Is Woman - Longfellow

Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. - H L Mencken

I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad. - Oedipus Rex

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields

I've been married twice but I haven't had a marriage yet. - Jennifer Lopez

That woman temptated me up there and you know she was a wonton woman. - Archie Bunker

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. - H L Mencken

If women can be railroad workers in Russia, why can't they fly in space? - Valentina Tereshkova

A woman's best love letters are always written to the man she is betraying. - Lawrence Durrell

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. - Oscar Wilde

Menopause is our chance to say, "I am woman - open a freaking window." - Unknown

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

When women are mad or depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

Inspirations never go in for long engagements; they demand immediate marriage to action. - Unknown

Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed. - Oscar Wilde

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

One of the few articles of clothing that a man won't try to remove from a woman is an apron. - Marilyn Vos Savant

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. - Rita Rudner

Some old women and men grow bitter with age. The more their teeth drop out, the more biting they get. - George D. Prentice

The expression a woman wears on her face is far more important than the clothes she wears on her back. - Dale Carnegie

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen

The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed. - Unknown

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. - Oscar Wilde

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." - Steven Wright

Like many other women, I could not understand why every man who changed a diaper has felt impelled, in recent years, to write a book about it. - Barbara Ehrenreich

I was just so lucky with 'Real Women Have Curves.' At that point, I would have done an insurance commercial. I would have done anything. - America Ferrera

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle