Webster's First Dictionary

A married man is a caged bird. - Spanish Proverb

The woman that deliberates is lost. - Joseph Addison

One does not marry art. One ravishes it. - Edgar Degas

Put the light out, and all women are alike. - German Proverb

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. - Groucho Marx

Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal. - Steve Rubenstein

Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Saying

I've been told I'm a role model to many women. - Donald Trump

Man can not live on chocolate alone.... but women can. - Unknown

The key to success? Work hard, stay focused and marry a Kennedy. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields

She's loaded with this, waddya call, women's intermission. - Archie Bunker

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works. - Will Rogers

Most women are afraid of clowns, but somehow end up still dating one. - Unknown

Every woman dreams of her own political career and her own place in life. - Raisa M. Gorbachev

A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea. - Honore de Balzac

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. - George Best

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. - Grace Hansen

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one. - WC Fields

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. - Margaret Mead

In Hollywood, the women are all peaches. It makes one long for an apple occasionally. - W Somerset Maugham

Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed. - Oscar Wilde

A girl who thinks that a man will treat her better after marriage than before is a fool. - William C. Hall

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you. - Groucho Marx

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

A word of encouragement during failure is worth more than a dictionary of praise following success. - Unknown

Some old women and men grow bitter with age. The more their teeth drop out, the more biting they get. - George D. Prentice

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force. - Ogden Nash

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. - Oscar Wilde

Except for a few guitar chords, everything I've learned in my life that is of any value I've learned from women. - Glenn Frey

I wore a thong and a bra and a wig. Those things hurt. I mean, thongs? Like, they dig in. It takes a tough man to be a woman. - Hank Azaria

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with the window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open. - George Bernard Shaw

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. - Conan O'Brien