Wife Consumption

Electrical degenerators - Archie Bunker

The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller

As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man. - Saint John Chrysostom

We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays. - Aulus Persius Flaccus

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag. - Zig Ziglar

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will. - George Lucas

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

You get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within. - Bob Nelson

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line. - Elvis Presley

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

I'm amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. - John Kinnear

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

She's so fat she's my two best friends. She wears stretch caftans. She's got more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. - Joan Rivers

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Unknown