Wife Consumption

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

No man should plant more garden than his wife can hoe. - Old Saying

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown

When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. - Anne Bradstreet

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed. - Unknown

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice. - Michael Gurnow

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton