Wife Consumption

Seek a wife in your own sphere. - Latin Proverb

Ideal Wife: Any woman who has an ideal husband - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Electric Eel: Fish that thrives in strong currents - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee

The 3 fastest means of communication: Twitter; Telephone; Tell a woman. - Unknown

Current Events: 1. What an electrician worries about; 2. Electric shocks. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

We're all just ghosts on a wire seeking the prick of an electric thought. - Robert Fanney

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag. - Zig Ziglar

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. - Rodney Dangerfield

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

Shady Character: A fellow who snoozes in a hammock under a tree while his wife mows the lawn - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta