Wife Consumption

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Dead Ringer: A disconnected telephone - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man. - Saint John Chrysostom

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

The 3 fastest means of communication: Twitter; Telephone; Tell a woman. - Unknown

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. - Anne Bradstreet

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

You get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within. - Bob Nelson

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it. - George Bernard Shaw

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. - Ambrose Bierce

She's so fat she's my two best friends. She wears stretch caftans. She's got more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. - Joan Rivers

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle