Wife Consumption

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - Unknown

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays. - Aulus Persius Flaccus

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. - Phyllis Diller

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. - Rodney Dangerfield

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will. - George Lucas

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

You get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within. - Bob Nelson

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt