Wife Consumption

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Seek a wife in your own sphere. - Latin Proverb

The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee

Current Events: 1. What an electrician worries about; 2. Electric shocks. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag. - Zig Ziglar

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Red Skelton

Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

Shady Character: A fellow who snoozes in a hammock under a tree while his wife mows the lawn - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line. - Elvis Presley

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed. - Unknown

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

She's so fat she's my two best friends. She wears stretch caftans. She's got more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. - Joan Rivers

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Unknown