Wife Consumption

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Electrical degenerators - Archie Bunker

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag. - Zig Ziglar

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. - Rodney Dangerfield

Shady Character: A fellow who snoozes in a hammock under a tree while his wife mows the lawn - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

You get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within. - Bob Nelson

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line. - Elvis Presley

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice. - Michael Gurnow

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ogden Nash

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds