Wife Consumption

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. - W H Auden

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. - James Keller

Electric Eel: Fish that thrives in strong currents - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

The Internet is a telephone system that's gotten uppity. - Clifford Stoll

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. - Phyllis Diller

When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. - Anne Bradstreet

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. - Rodney Dangerfield

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will. - George Lucas

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice. - Michael Gurnow

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx

Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon