Wife Of The Year

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. - Homer Simpson

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel, if you will. - Homer Simpson

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Wilhelm II

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. - WC Fields

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson

A meal of bread, cheese, and beer constitutes the perfect food. - Queen Elizabeth I

Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Willhelm II

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

In heaven there is no beer...
That's why we drink ours here. - Unknown

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. - Anne Bradstreet

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife), but still my own. - Si Robertson

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad's payroll - and on to his wife's - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - George Carlin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill

Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN or beer. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars. - Unknown

When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta

If you sang "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" and counted all the numbers mentioned throughout the entire song, it would add up to 14,850. - Joe-kster