Wife Of The Year

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Beer speaks. People mumble. - Tony McGee

I work until beer o'clock. - Stephen King

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. - Homer Simpson

No man should plant more garden than his wife can hoe. - Old Saying

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller. - George Bernard Shaw

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. - Homer Simpson

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown

In heaven there is no beer...
That's why we drink ours here. - Unknown

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - George Carlin

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield