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Da Queen

The Royal House of Clinton responds to tiresome questions

Da Queen thanks to Jim Serritella

As you know, my dear people, for the last year the Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you, the people. For the next eight months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Marts, and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor that we removed thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of these treasures. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to scrape by.

During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment, that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000 per year, what else could she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the ‘Foundation’.

So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then, when the time for the Royal Election & Coronation comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful monarch, with my assurance that I will continue King Obama’s policies, and we can all live happily ever after in La-La land.

Your Queen-in-Waiting,
Hilarity Rodham Clinton

QuotaBills
All politics is applesauce. - Will Rogers

Good government is good politics. - Richard J. Daley

Politics is the art of the possible. - Otto von Bismarck

In politics nothing is contemptible. - Benjamin Disraeli

I never saw anything funnier than Texas politics. - Molly Ivins

I'm not a politician. I've only got one face. - Brendan Behan

Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. - Ronald Reagan

The military don't start wars. Politicians start wars. - William Westmoreland

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. - Groucho Marx

We live in a world in which politics has replaced philosophy. - Martin L. Gross

A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves. - Bertrand de Jouvenel

I believe that truth is the glue that holds government together. - Gerald R. Ford

It's a terrible shame that politics has become show business. - Sydney Pollack

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. - Bob Wells

The institution of royalty in any form is an insult to the human race. - Mark Twain

Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed. - Mao Zedong

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers

Idealism is the despot of thought, just as politics is the despot of will. - Mikhail Bakunin

Politics is the art of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. - John Kenneth Galbraith

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop. - P.J. O'Rourke

A filmmaker we almost lost to politics... my friend and colleague, Warren Beatty. - Jack Nicholson

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

I love Canada. I am from Canada. I will bash the Canadian government but never Canada. - Jason Priestley

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

My brother Bob doesn't want to be in government - he promised Dad he'd go straight. - John F Kennedy

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - Will Rogers

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joe-k. - Will Rogers

Good thing we've still got politics in Texas - finest form of free entertainment ever invented. - Molly Ivins

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson

It is a win-win for the American people, an idea no conventional politician would have the guts to put forward. - Donald Trump

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand. - Milton Friedman

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

Our whole constitutional heritage rebels at the thought of giving government the power to control men's minds. - Thurgood Marshall

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians,
and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. - Groucho Marx

It's especially hard if the government is not providing services, or is even conducting ethnic cleansing against you. - Paul Harvey

One lesson you better learn if you want to be in politics is that you never go out on a golf course and beat the President. - Lyndon B. Johnson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. - Ronald Reagan

In Mexico, an air-conditioner is called a "politician" because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well. - Len Deighton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. - Oscar Ameringer

A politician should have three hats. One for throwing into the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of if elected. - Carl Sandburg


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