As you know, my dear people, for the last year the Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.
Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you, the people. For the next eight months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Marts, and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.
How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor that we removed thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of these treasures. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to scrape by.
During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment, that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000 per year, what else could she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the ‘Foundation’.
So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then, when the time for the Royal Election & Coronation comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful monarch, with my assurance that I will continue King Obama’s policies, and we can all live happily ever after in La-La land.
Hilarity Rodham Clinton
A week is a long time in politics. - Harold Wilson
I am not a politician, but a soldier. - Idi Amin
In politics an absurdity is not a handicap. - Napoleon Bonaparte
Me and your mother ain't no duke or duke-ess. - Archie Bunker
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. - William Blake
Guns have only two enemies - rust and politicians. - Unknown
Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. - Ronald Reagan
Poetry is about the grief. Politics is about the grievance. - Robert Frost
Democracy becomes a government of bullies tempered by editors. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It's a terrible shame that politics has become show business. - Sydney Pollack
Politics is a profession where the paths of glory lead but to the gravy. - Billy Boy Franklin
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
A goose flies by a chart the Royal Geographical Society could not improve. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
A good politician, under democracy, is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. - H L Mencken
Hillary Clinton is not going to be able to create jobs, I will tell you right now. - Donald Trump
The indignation of politicians is NOT a good measure of the gravity of any situation. - Paul Harvey
The royal road to a man's heart is to talk to him about the things he treasures most. - Dale Carnegie
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. - Woody Allen
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain
What is the first part of politics? Education. The second? Education. And the third? Education. - Jules Michelet
So, if we lie to the government, it's a felony.
But if they lie to us, it's politics. - Bill Murray
The single most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it's so rare. - Daniel P Moynihan
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Unknown
God trained Moses in a palace to use him in a desert. He trained Joseph in a desert to use him in a palace. - Ravi Zacharias
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. - H L Mencken
Demagogue: A politician who can rock the boat and persuade everyone else that they're in a terrible storm - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Politics is the only business where doing nothing other than making the other guy look bad is an acceptable outcome. - Mark Warner
It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their experiments on journalists and politicians. - Henrik Ibsen
One of the reasons people hate politics is that truth is rarely a politician's objective. Election and power are. - Cal Thomas
Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. The difference between Bill Clinton and myself is that he has a walk-in closet. - Pat Buchanan
If the government was as afraid of disturbing the consumer as it is of disturbing business, this would be some democracy. - Kin Hubbard
I am sometimes a fox and sometimes a lion. The whole secret of government lies in knowing when to be the one or the other. - Napoleon Bonaparte
I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend. - Thomas Jefferson
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. - Ambrose Bierce
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. - Ronald Reagan
I am quite sure now that often in matters concerning religion and politics, a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkeys. - Mark Twain
A politician should have three hats. One for throwing into the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of if elected. - Carl Sandburg
When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home. - Winston Churchill
Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments. - Isaac Asimov