I Love Dad

Khaki: A thing for starting a car - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Chop your own path. Get off the car track. - A.Y. Jackson

I love shark week, all kids swim for free. - Josh Stern

Didn't he take the exercise tax off cars? - Archie Bunker

Germs: The only things kids will share freely - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A girl with cotton stockings never sees a mouse. - American Proverb

Goat Herder: A person who likes to work with kids - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve. - Ring Lardner

I'm the girl who lost her reputation and never missed it. - Mae West

You should never have more children than you have car windows. - Erma Bombeck

We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley

Dubm Waiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

We all thought we'd have flying cars by now, but we don't. - Dana Brunetti

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. - Erma Bombeck

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. - Carl Sagan

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. - Kin Hubbard

A girl who thinks that a man will treat her better after marriage than before is a fool. - William C. Hall

A gun is not a weapon, it’s a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator. - Homer Simpson

On behalf of every man looking out for every girl, you are the God and weight of her world. - John Mayer

A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Unknown

I just want to make sure when I have kids, I can spend time with them. That's the whole point. - Mark Zuckerberg

The pumpkin hearing, "Let's carve and scoop,"
Ran fast as he could, leaving pumpkin poop. - Shirley Thomas

Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash

When walking, you see things that you miss in a motor car or on the train. You give your mind space to ponder. - Tom Hodgkinson

You can take the girl out of Texas but not the Texas out of the girl and ultimately not the girl out of Texas. - Janine Turner

Dear Diamond,
We all know who is really a girl's best friend.
Yours sincerely,
Chocolate Cake - Unknown

You know you're a mom when you go to the store for yourself and come out with a bag of things for your kids. - Unknown

For all of the fights I have had in my life, both on and off the ice, I have only been in the back of a cop car once. - Tie Domi

I do get scared of the dentist, so a drive-through dentist might make me feel more at home. If I got to stay in my car. - Jessica Pare

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing, but nobody else does. - Stuart H Britt

Tonight we'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame. - Ronnie Corbett

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright

If you want your kids to listen to you, don't yell at them. Whisper. Make them lean in. My kids taught me that. I do it with adults now. - Mario Batali

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says, "I make a good living." - Henny Youngman

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. - Rodney Dangerfield

My life is the land, the dogs, the car, the motorcycle, the pond, the canoe, going to pick up mail. It's just a rural retreat that I enjoy. - Burt Shavitz