I Love Dad

I love shark week, all kids swim for free. - Josh Stern

A rich man is never ugly in the eyes of a girl. - French Proverb

Kids are life's only guaranteed bona fide upside surprise. - Jack Nicholson

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield

We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. - Christopher Morley

Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on. - Budd Schulberg

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons

Raising kids make most people, including me, grow up at least a little. - Madonna

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. - Carrie Snow

Who would ever think that so much can go on in the soul of a young girl? - Anne Frank

I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids. - Unknown

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. - Stephen Leacock

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller

You don't have to carry a designer bag that costs more than a car to look cool. - Kesha

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills: making the last car payment. - Unknown

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. - Kin Hubbard

Trouble is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. - Milton Berle

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

Zucchini: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Having kids is the ultimate job in life. I want to be most successful at being a good father. - Nick Lachey

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

Flirt: 1. A girl who got the boy you wanted; 2. A woman who believes it's every man for herself. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Flops are a part of life's menu and I've never been a girl to miss out on any of the courses. - Rosalind Russell

No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over." - Archie Bunker

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one. - Archie Bunker

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

The pumpkin hearing, "Let's carve and scoop,"
Ran fast as he could, leaving pumpkin poop. - Shirley Thomas

Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash

Dear Diamond,
We all know who is really a girl's best friend.
Yours sincerely,
Chocolate Cake - Unknown

Poverty: 1. A state of mind sometimes induced by a neighbour's new car; 2. One thing that money can't buy. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls. - Groucho Marx

The actual building of roads devoted to motor cars is not for the near future, in spite of many rumors to that effect. - Harper's Weekly

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

I'm amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. - John Kinnear

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. - Unknown

I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love. - Marilyn Monroe

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - Steven Wright