I Love Dad

Thank God kids never mean well. - Lily Tomlin

Girl: A giggle with glitter on it. - Unknown

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. - Ogden Nash

If you want the girl next door, go next door. - Joan Crawford

A girl with cotton stockings never sees a mouse. - American Proverb

With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo

A diamond is the only kind of ice that keeps a girl warm. - Elizabeth Taylor

I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. - WC Fields

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield

I had to stop driving my car for a while - the tires got dizzy. - Steven Wright

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. - Bill Maher

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire

It is sometimes as dangerous to be run into by a microbe as by a trolley car. - J.J. Walsh

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. - Stephen Leacock

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. - Murray Walker

A gun is not a weapon, it’s a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator. - Homer Simpson

A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. - Unknown

If I weren't skateboarding, I'd love to race cars. I like anything that's fast and active. - Ryan Sheckler

No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over." - Archie Bunker

Every boy needs a role model that he can be proud of and talk about to the other kids in the playground. - Athol Fugard

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

There are two things in this world that don't last long: dogs chasing cars, and pros putting for pars. - Lee Travino

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pick-up truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. - Albert Einstein

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I do get scared of the dentist, so a drive-through dentist might make me feel more at home. If I got to stay in my car. - Jessica Pare

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car. - Garrison Keillor

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always enjoyed feeling afraid. I think it is the most delicious feeling there is. - Domingos Monteiro

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. - Unknown

Tonight we'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame. - Ronnie Corbett

When it comes to hockey, it's been in my blood since I was 3 or 4 years old. I love coaching the kids, especially at that level. - Mario Lemieux

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." - Steven Wright

I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate. - Mel Gibson

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. - Phyllis Diller

My life is the land, the dogs, the car, the motorcycle, the pond, the canoe, going to pick up mail. It's just a rural retreat that I enjoy. - Burt Shavitz

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - Steven Wright