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How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

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Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Never argue with a woman, a winner, or a weapon. - Frank Dane

Waitress: A woman who thinks money grows on trays - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. - H L Mencken

A weeping man and a smiling woman are not to be trusted. - Indian Proverb

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

Live so that the pastor won't have to lie at your funeral. - Phil Callaway

Trust no friend without faults, and love a woman, but no angel. - Doris Lessing

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman. - Oscar Wilde

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works. - Will Rogers

How a society treats its disabled is the true measure of a civilization. - Chen Guangcheng

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov

A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea. - Honore de Balzac

I don't think about financial success as the measurement of my success. - Christie Hefner

I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy

A woman is like a teabag. Only in hot water do you realize how strong she is. - Nancy Reagan

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. - Oscar Wilde

Enthusiasm is a vital element toward the individual success of every man or woman. - Conrad Hilton

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. - Phyllis Diller

Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches. - Andy Warhol

It is easier for a woman to defend her virtue against men than her reputation against women. - French Proverb

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom. - George S Patton

The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. - Ilie Nastase

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out. - Dolly Parton

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

There's something about a woman with a loud mind that sits in silence, smiling, knowing she can crush you with the truth. - R G Moon

I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer

Happiness, not money or prestige, should be regarded as the ultimate currency - the currency by which we take measure of our lives. - Tal Ben-Shahar

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman - it depends on how much happiness you can handle. - George Burns

Strapless Gown: 1. When a woman won't shoulder the responsibility; 2. A compromise between the law of decency and the law of gravity. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle


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