How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Measure twice, cut once. - Craftsman Aphorism

The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard

I was with book, as a woman is with child. - C S Lewis

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing. - Meryl Streep

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. - Polish Proverb

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

A woman's always younger than a man of equal years. - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

The smiles of a pretty woman are the tears of the purse. - Italian Proverb

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything. - Marilyn Monroe

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. - Arnold Haultain

Measure what is measurable, and make measurable what is not so. - Galileo Galilei

When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown

That woman temptated me up there and you know she was a wonton woman. - Archie Bunker

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

All the statistics in the world can't measure the warmth of a smile. - Chris Hart

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse. - Laurence Sterne

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

Being with you and not being with you is the only way I have to measure time. - Jorge Luis Borges

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

Menopause is our chance to say, "I am woman - open a freaking window." - Unknown

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. - Anne Bradstreet

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water. - Eleanor Roosevelt

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. - Phyllis Diller

I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you. - Groucho Marx

After all, inside every woman, no matter how grown up she is, there is still a frightened little girl. - Sergei Lukyanenko

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

Democracy is very different in U.S. and A. from Kazakhstan. In America, woman can vote, but horse cannot! - Borat Sagdiyev

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with the word 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved. - Mark Twain

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. - Oscar Wilde

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

I believe there's an Almighty, and I believe the Almighty's great gift to each man and woman in this world is the desire to be free. - George W Bush