How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

Measure twice, cut once. - Craftsman Aphorism

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a net. - Cynthia Heimel

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. - Irina Dunn

Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior. - Socrates

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - H L Mencken

I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume. - John Van Druten

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

I love bringing roses to a woman when she least expects it. - Esai Morales

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes. - Robin Williams

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything. - Marilyn Monroe

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating. - Oscar Wilde

She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong. - Mae West

Beauty is the first present nature gives to a woman and the first it takes away. - Fay Weldon

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck. - WC Fields

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife), but still my own. - Si Robertson

Measure thy life by loss instead of gain, not by the wine drunk, but the wine poured forth. - Harriet King

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you. - Groucho Marx

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. - Oscar Wilde

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

A simple way to take the measure of a country is to look at how many want in... and how many want out. - Tony Blair

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

Democracy is very different in U.S. and A. from Kazakhstan. In America, woman can vote, but horse cannot! - Borat Sagdiyev

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

Men have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority. I've never had trouble with a woman in any position. - Sam Malone

Happiness, not money or prestige, should be regarded as the ultimate currency - the currency by which we take measure of our lives. - Tal Ben-Shahar

Now I lay facedown on the bed, sobbing for the woman who once slept here not knowing that someday one of her worst fears would come true. - Jennifer Castle

When I was a young man I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her but, alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. - Alain