How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

There's a great woman behind every idiot. - John Lennon

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

A woman can keep one secret - the secret of her age. - Voltaire

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

A wit should be no more sincere than a woman constant. - William Congreve

When the devil finds a lazy woman, he puts her to work. - Russian Proverb

I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume. - John Van Druten

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. - Arnold Haultain

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Spend your days pursuing the things you want said at your funeral. - Peter Legge

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde

I don't think about financial success as the measurement of my success. - Christie Hefner

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse. - Laurence Sterne

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. - Mary Marsh

A woman will flirt with anybody in the world as long as other people are looking on. - Oscar Wilde

No honest work of man or woman "fails"; it feeds the sum of all human action. - Michelene Wandor

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is usually plain. - Oscar Wilde

I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you. - Groucho Marx

One of the few articles of clothing that a man won't try to remove from a woman is an apron. - Marilyn Vos Savant

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. - W.T. Purkiser

Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" - Dumas

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

There goes a woman who knows all the things that can be taught and none of the things that cannot be taught. - Coco Chanel

The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

When I was a young man I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her but, alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. - Alain

When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta