How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a net. - Cynthia Heimel

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. - Phyllis Diller

When a woman is openly bad she is then at her best. - Latin Proverb

As Unto The Bow The Cord Is, So Unto The Man Is Woman - Longfellow

You measure success by how much good you do for others. - Zig Ziglar

He has a woman's name and wears makeup. How original. - Alice Cooper

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - Ambrose Bierce

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Wilhelm II

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan

Measure yourself by what you have accomplished with your ability. - John Wooden

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her. - Oscar Wilde

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

The testimony of a woman has only half the value of the testimony of a man. - Iranian Penal Code

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. - WC Fields

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. - Grace Hansen

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

When a man has once loved a woman he will do anything for her except continue to love her. - Oscar Wilde

I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

Many a woman has a past, but I am told that she has at least a dozen, and that they all fit. - Oscar Wilde

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who'd lost three husbands. - Kin Hubbard

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. - Oscar Wilde

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. - Jane Austen

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. - Anais Nin

There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he's absolutely free to choose. - William M. Bulger

God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him. - Tara Reid

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out. - Dolly Parton

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. - Oscar Wilde

Adversity is another way to measure the greatness of individuals. I never had a crisis that didn't make me stronger. - Lou Holtz

The widening of woman's sphere is to improve her lot. Let us do it, and if the world scoff, let it scoff - if it sneer, let it sneer. - Lucy Stone

Under the present circumstances, I would rather be a lap dancer than a woman MP - the hours are better and unruly male members are shown the door. - Allison Pearson