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How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

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Woman, the most dangerous of playthings. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Man has his will, but woman has her way. - Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

I think Queen Elizabeth II is a charming woman. - Malcolm Muggeridge

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. - Irina Dunn

I am a strong woman because a strong woman raised me. - Unknown

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

Live so that the pastor won't have to lie at your funeral. - Phil Callaway

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

A meal without cheese is like a beautiful woman who lacks an eye. - Jean A Brillat-Savarin

It is much easier to take care of a sackful of fleas than a woman. - German Proverb

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. - Brendan Francis

Joy Of Motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the kids are in bed - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I don't think about financial success as the measurement of my success. - Christie Hefner

A woman is like a teabag. Only in hot water do you realize how strong she is. - Nancy Reagan

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. - Oscar Wilde

Glamour: The capacity of a woman to get more out of a dress than she puts into it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. - Phyllis Diller

The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is, 'Notice anything different?' - Mike Vanatta

My wife hasn't had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows. - Unknown

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd,
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned. - William Congreve

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman. - Virginia Woolf

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. - Enid Bagnold

Never measure the height of a mountain, until you have reached the top. Then you will see how low it was. - Dag Hammarskjold

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

No matter how plain a woman may be, if truth and honesty are written across her face, she will be beautiful. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force. - Dorothy L Sayers

I wore a thong and a bra and a wig. Those things hurt. I mean, thongs? Like, they dig in. It takes a tough man to be a woman. - Hank Azaria

From a shy, timid girl I had become a woman of resolute character, who could no longer be frightened by the struggle with troubles. - Anna Dostoevsky

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in. - Casey Stengel

When I was a young man I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her but, alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. - Alain

Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

A woman with confidence is hypnotic. A smile is mesmerizing. Presence, openness, a sense of humor - these are all things that make a woman attractive. - Jessica Ortner


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