How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

Seek a wife in your own sphere. - Latin Proverb

A woman's work is never done - by men. - Unknown

Behind every good woman is a lot of chocolate. - Unknown

Ya look like one of those pall buriers at a funeral. - Archie Bunker

Jade: A semi-precious stone or a semi-precious woman - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb

You measure success by how much good you do for others. - Zig Ziglar

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

He has a woman's name and wears makeup. How original. - Alice Cooper

I love bringing roses to a woman when she least expects it. - Esai Morales

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

Honesty is probably the sexiest thing a man can give to a woman. - Debra Messing

Spend your days pursuing the things you want said at your funeral. - Peter Legge

It is much easier to take care of a sackful of fleas than a woman. - German Proverb

As long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking. - Virginia Woolf

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Unknown

The best years of a woman's life - the ten years between 39 and 40. - Unknown

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive. - Kirk Douglas

When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Being with you and not being with you is the only way I have to measure time. - Jorge Luis Borges

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag. - Zig Ziglar

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

And what is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing. - Geoffrey Chaucer

A woman is the full circle. Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform. - Diane Mariechild

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. - Ann Landers

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. - Kin Hubbard

A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. - Jane Austen

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen

A woman described me as a bit of a looker the other day. Well, 'voyeur' was the actual word she used. - Gary Delaney

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. - Oscar Wilde

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer

Now I lay facedown on the bed, sobbing for the woman who once slept here not knowing that someday one of her worst fears would come true. - Jennifer Castle

Under the present circumstances, I would rather be a lap dancer than a woman MP - the hours are better and unruly male members are shown the door. - Allison Pearson