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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...

QuotaBills
Where words fail, music speaks. - Hans Christian Anderson

Music is an outburst of the soul. - Frederick Delius

The piano has been drinking, not me. - Tom Waits

Kind words are the music of the world. - F.W. Faber

You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch. - George Carlin

Music comes to me more readily than words. - Ludwig van Beethoven

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain

Rock and roll: music for the neck downwards. - Keith Richards

Music is to the soul what words are to the mind. - Unknown

Music is what our soul sounds like when it sings. - Xila Toro

Music, when soft voices die, vibrates in the memory. - Percy Bysshe Shelley

Music isn't for the eyes - it's for the ears. - Adele

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable. - Samuel Johnson

You just pick a chord, go twang, and you've got music. - Sid Vicious

After Rossini dies, who will there be to promote his music? - Richard Wagner

Classical music is music written by famous dead foreigners. - Arlene Heath

Most people die with their music still locked up inside them. - Benjamin Disraeli

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? - Niels Bohr

A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it. - Thomas Beecham

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence. - Edith Sitwell

If in the afterlife there is not music, we will have to import it. - Domenico Cieri Estrada

I haven't understood a bar of music in my life, but I have felt it. - Igor Stravinsky

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer

The Blues and jazz will live forever, so will the Delta and the Big Easy. - Jack Nicholson

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. - Victor Borge

The trouble with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music does. - Unknown

The musician is perhaps the most modest of animals, but he is also the proudest. - Erik Satie

My father had a piano that was a nickelodeon - put a nickel, and the roller would play. - Frank Sinatra

Music has healing power. It has the ability to take people out of themselves for a few hours. - Elton John

Although I am not stupid, the mathematical side of my brain is like dumb notes upon a damaged piano. - Margot Asquith

Boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. - Jack Handey

What's the earth with all its art, verse, music, worth -
Compared with love, found, gained, and kept? - Robert Browning

I alone of English writers have consciously set myself to make music out of what I may call the sound of sense. - Robert Frost

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays. - Oscar Wilde

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

If being an egomaniac means I believe in what I do and in my art or music, then in that respect you can call me that. - John Lennon

Musical innovation is full of danger to the State, for when modes of music change, the fundamental laws of the State always change with them. - Plato

Music is amoral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything. - Plato


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