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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...

QuotaBills
Love is a friendship set to music. - Joseph Campbell

Music describes what words can't. - Unknown

Canned music is like audible wallpaper. - Alistair Cooke

Jazz is not dead... it just smells funny. - Frank Zappa

Music comes to me more readily than words. - Ludwig van Beethoven

Without music, life would be a blank to me. - Jane Austen

In rock music terms I'm like a dinosaur. - Belinda Carlisle

Music is well said to be the speech of angels. - Thomas Carlyle

I hate music - especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

Statistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. - Morris Kline

I you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. - Louis Armstrong

Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together. - Anais Nin

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. - Berthold Auerbach

The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. - Ludwig van Beethoven

Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail. - Luciano Pavarotti

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? - Niels Bohr

A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it. - Thomas Beecham

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence. - Edith Sitwell

The hardest instrument in the orchestra to play is second fiddle. - Leonard Bernstein

Life is a rich strain of music, suggesting a realm too fair to be. - George William Curtis

The power of music feels like taking a a nice brake from this busy world. - Millie DeWitt

Music acts like a magic key, to which the most tightly closed heart opens. - Maria Augusta von Trapp

Music sounds different to the one who plays it. It is the musician's curse. - Patrick Rothfuss

Music, the greatest good that mortals know and all of heaven we have hear below. - Joseph Addison

The trouble with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music does. - Unknown

Music is the only thing I've ever known that doesn't have any rules at all. - Josh Homme

My father had a piano that was a nickelodeon - put a nickel, and the roller would play. - Frank Sinatra

If you look deep enough you will see music; the heart of nature being everywhere music. - Thomas Carlyle

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. - S.J. Perelman

Whatever music sounds like, I am glad to say that it does not sound in the smallest degree like German. - Oscar Wilde

I'm a games and theory king of guy. I love puzzles, so it was fun dissecting Shakespeare's prose. - Neil Patrick Harris

A hundred years from now, people will listen to the music of the Beatles the same way we listen to Mozart. - Paul McCartney

Melody is the essence of music. I compare a good melodist to a fine racer, and counterpoints to hack post-horses. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

Already, companies that speak in the language of the pitch, the dog-and-pony show, are no longer speaking to anyone. - Unknown

To live is to be musical, starting with the blood dancing in your veins. Everything living has a rhythm. Do you feel your music? - Michael Jackson

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - Oscar Wilde

The piano is a universal instrument. If you start there, learn your theory and how to read, you can go on to any other instrument. - Eddie Van Halen

Music is amoral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything. - Plato


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