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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
The piano ain't got no wrong notes. - Thelonious Monk

Extraordinary how potent cheap music is. - Noel Coward

Dancing with her was like moving a piano. - Ring Lardner

Music is a means of rapid transportation. - John Cage

You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch. - George Carlin

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory. - Friedrich Engels

Country music is three chords and the truth. - Harlan Howard

Music is well said to be the speech of angels. - Thomas Carlyle

Statistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. - Morris Kline

Without music, life is a journey through a desert. - Pat Conroy

I like your opera. I think I will set it to music. - Ludwig van Beethoven

Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music. - Ronald Reagan

Life exists for the love of music or beautiful things. - G K Chesterton

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. - Elvis Costello

Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory. - Oscar Wilde

You just pick a chord, go twang, and you've got music. - Sid Vicious

After Rossini dies, who will there be to promote his music? - Richard Wagner

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. - Mike Myers

People haven't always been there for me, but music always has. - Taylor Swift

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song. - Louis Armstrong

In theory, practice and theory are the same. In practice they are not. - Yogi Berra

Grammar is a piano I play by ear. All I know about grammar is its power. - Joan Didion

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. - Victor Borge

All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff. - Frank Zappa

Sometimes I can only groan, and suffer, and pour out my despair at the piano. - Frederic Chopin

Each soul is tuned to a different pitch. Music is about harmonizing the soul. - Wu-Tang Clan

These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert, to fleece the people. - Abraham Lincoln

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. - Yogi Berra

I'm a producer for fun. I'm not a professional schooled musician or anything. - Afrojack

My father had a piano that was a nickelodeon - put a nickel, and the roller would play. - Frank Sinatra

Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play. - Immanuel Kant

Great music is as much about the space between the notes as it is about the notes themselves. - Sting

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. - S.J. Perelman

Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought. - E Y Harburg

Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. - Ani DiFranco

Whatever music sounds like, I am glad to say that it does not sound in the smallest degree like German. - Oscar Wilde

I'm a games and theory king of guy. I love puzzles, so it was fun dissecting Shakespeare's prose. - Neil Patrick Harris

No theory is good unless it permits, not rest, but the greatest work. No theory is good except on condition that one use it to go on beyond. - Andre Gide

Music embodies feeling without forcing it to contend and combine with thought, as it is forced in most arts and especially in the art of words. - Franz Liszt


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