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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
The piano has been drinking, not me. - Tom Waits

Music is the strongest form of magic. - Marilyn Manson

Without music, life would be a mistake. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Extraordinary how potent cheap music is. - Noel Coward

Modern music is as dangerous as narcotics. - Pietro Mascagni

In rock music terms I'm like a dinosaur. - Belinda Carlisle

Upright Piano: The noblest musical instrument - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Music is spiritual. The music business is not. - Van Morrison

Who hears music, feels his solitude peopled at once. - Robert Browning

The only love affair I have ever had was with music. - Maurice Ravel

Musician: Someone who makes a living by playing around - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. - Louis Armstrong

Modern music is three farts and a raspberry, orchestrated. - John Barbirolli

Music touches us emotionally, where words alone can't. - Johnny Depp

Music is what tells us that the human race is greater than we realize. - Napoleon Bonaparte

I haven't understood a bar of music in my life, but I have felt it. - Igor Stravinsky

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - Elvis Presley

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. - Victor Borge

Music, once admitted to the soul, becomes a sort of spirit, and never dies. - Edward Bulwer-Lytton

Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing. - John Erskine

Sometimes I can only groan, and suffer, and pour out my despair at the piano. - Frederic Chopin

Each soul is tuned to a different pitch. Music is about harmonizing the soul. - Wu-Tang Clan

There, standing at the piano, was the original good time who had been had by all. - Kenneth Tynan

Music has charms to sooth a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. - William Congreve

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. - Yogi Berra

Film is one of the three universal languages, the other two: mathematics and music. - Frank Capra

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

Music could ache and hurt, that beautiful music was a place a suffering man could hide. - Pat Conroy

Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it. - John Lennon

Great music is as much about the space between the notes as it is about the notes themselves. - Sting

A hundred years from now, people will listen to the music of the Beatles the same way we listen to Mozart. - Paul McCartney

What's the earth with all its art, verse, music, worth -
Compared with love, found, gained, and kept? - Robert Browning

Morals are an acquirement - like music, like a foreign language, like piety, poker, paralysis - no man is born with them. - Mark Twain

Music drives you. It wakes you up, it gets you pumping. And, at the end of the day, the correct tune will chill you down. - Dimebag Darrell

Look inside. That way lies dancing to the melodies spun out by your own heart. This is a symphony. All the rest are jingles. - Anna Quindlen

To live is to be musical, starting with the blood dancing in your veins. Everything living has a rhythm. Do you feel your music? - Michael Jackson

Suspense is very important. Even though this is humor and they're short stories, that theory of building suspense is still there. - Sergio Aragones

Learning to play golf is like learning to play the violin. It's not only difficult to do, it's very painful to everyone around you. - Hal Linden

No theory is good unless it permits, not rest, but the greatest work. No theory is good except on condition that one use it to go on beyond. - Andre Gide

If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music. - Albert Einstein


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