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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
Music is my higher power. - Oliver James

The piano has been drinking, not me. - Tom Waits

Music comes to me more readily than words. - Ludwig van Beethoven

I hate music - especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

You're a bartender, y'aint a mortrician. - Archie Bunker

Statistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. - Morris Kline

Music is what our soul sounds like when it sings. - Xila Toro

My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong

Get up from that piano. You hurtin' its feelings. - Jelly Roll Morton

I you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. - Louis Armstrong

Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory. - Oscar Wilde

Modern music is three farts and a raspberry, orchestrated. - John Barbirolli

Interval In Music: The distance from one piano to the next - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Yoga is almost like music in a way; there's no end to it. - Sting

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song. - Louis Armstrong

Music is the divine way to tell beautiful, poetic things to the heart. - Pablo Casals

Music produces a kind of pleasure which human nature cannot do without. - Confucius

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - Elvis Presley

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer

The Blues and jazz will live forever, so will the Delta and the Big Easy. - Jack Nicholson

The power of music feels like taking a a nice brake from this busy world. - Millie DeWitt

All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff. - Frank Zappa

There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes

The musician is perhaps the most modest of animals, but he is also the proudest. - Erik Satie

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. - Aldous Huxley

My father had a piano that was a nickelodeon - put a nickel, and the roller would play. - Frank Sinatra

How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music. - Unknown

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. - S.J. Perelman

The only purpose for music should be the glory of God and the re-creation of the human spirit. - Johann Sebastian Bach

As for everything else, so for a mathematical theory: beauty can be perceived but not explained. - Arthur Cayley

Music is the language of the spirit. It opens the secret of life bringing peace, abolishing strife. - Kahlil Gibran

Although I am not stupid, the mathematical side of my brain is like dumb notes upon a damaged piano. - Margot Asquith

A hundred years from now, people will listen to the music of the Beatles the same way we listen to Mozart. - Paul McCartney

Already, companies that speak in the language of the pitch, the dog-and-pony show, are no longer speaking to anyone. - Unknown

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid. - Frank Zappa

The piano is a universal instrument. If you start there, learn your theory and how to read, you can go on to any other instrument. - Eddie Van Halen

He who loves practice without theory is like the sailor who boards ship without a rudder and compass and never knows where he may cast. - Leonardo da Vinci

When I was nine, my father said 'You can take piano lessons or do karate' - I had a black belt and was competing before I was 19. - Elodie Yung

No theory is good unless it permits, not rest, but the greatest work. No theory is good except on condition that one use it to go on beyond. - Andre Gide

The music that really turns me on is either running toward God or away from God. Both recognize the pivot, that God is at the center of the jaunt. - Bono


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