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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
Where words fail, music speaks. - Hans Christian Anderson

Music is the soundtrack of your life. - Dick Clark

Without music, life would be a mistake. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Dancing with her was like moving a piano. - Ring Lardner

Country music is three chords and the truth. - Harlan Howard

In rock music terms I'm like a dinosaur. - Belinda Carlisle

You're a bartender, y'aint a mortrician. - Archie Bunker

Statistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. - Morris Kline

My music is best understood by children and animals. - Igor Stravinsky

Get up from that piano. You hurtin' its feelings. - Jelly Roll Morton

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky

After Rossini dies, who will there be to promote his music? - Richard Wagner

I don't put boundaries on myself when I sit at the piano. - Vanessa Carlton

The sweetest music in the world to every person is his own name. - Unknown

The symphony must be like the world. It must embrace everything. - Gustav Mahler

People haven't always been there for me, but music always has. - Taylor Swift

You can run out of garlic, but you can't really run out of music. - Jace Wayland

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song. - Louis Armstrong

The power of music feels like taking a a nice brake from this busy world. - Millie DeWitt

Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try. - Mary Kay Ash

Life is like playing violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. - Samuel Butler

I think my music is like anchovies - some people like it, some people get nauseous. - Barry Manilow

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. - Yogi Berra

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

I'm a producer for fun. I'm not a professional schooled musician or anything. - Afrojack

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

As for everything else, so for a mathematical theory: beauty can be perceived but not explained. - Arthur Cayley

Although I am not stupid, the mathematical side of my brain is like dumb notes upon a damaged piano. - Margot Asquith

Before you've practiced, the theory is useless. After you've practiced, the theory is obvious. - David Williams

Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. - Ani DiFranco

I'm a games and theory king of guy. I love puzzles, so it was fun dissecting Shakespeare's prose. - Neil Patrick Harris

In a weird kind of way, music has afforded me an idealism and perfectionism that I could never attain as me. - Billy Corgan

I alone of English writers have consciously set myself to make music out of what I may call the sound of sense. - Robert Frost

Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. - Charlie Parker

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid. - Frank Zappa

Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - Oscar Wilde

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes. - Sir Thomas Beecham

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. - Bob Newhart


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