#1 humor site on the 'net

Express Checkout

The sign said '9 items or less' so I changed my name to Les

Express Checkout thanks to Karen Moore

QuotaBills
Shopping is my cardio. - Carrie Bradshaw

Sales Talk: Trade wind - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Window Shopping: Eye browsing - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. - Oscar Wilde

I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. - Amy Sedaris

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox

Traditional methods of sales prospecting are grossly inefficient. - Jill Konrath

A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying

Music is the tool to express life - and all that makes a difference. - Herbie Hancock

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller

Profanity is the effort of a feeble mind to express itself forcefully. - Unknown

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. - Gertrude Stein

When I quote others I do so in order to express my own ideas more clearly. - Michel de Montaigne

The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les. - Steven Wright

Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Pajamas: Items of clothing that newlyweds place beside the bed in case of fire - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking

I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield

Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something. - Mike Spears

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop. - Bill Murray

When women are mad or depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler

Magnetism: A powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek

To me, job titles don't matter. Everyone is in sales. It's the only way we stay in business. - Harvey Mackay

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry

I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright

Everything is for sale in Hollywood; the fairy tale, the costume, the pumpkin, the footman and the mice. - Amanda Eliasch

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

Some wish to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell. - C.T. Studd

The scorn men express for a male who does housework is exceeded only by their aversion to a woman who doesn't. - Penny Kome

Recognize that giveaway items serve as silent ambassadors, reinforcing your Expert Identity - choose them carefully! - Susan Friedmann

Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself. Do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it. - Bruce Lee

Sir, your remarks are repugnant to me, and I disagree with your viewpoints. But I will defend to the death your right to express them. - Voltaire

When one may pay out over two million dollars to presidential and Congressional campaigns, the U.S. government is virtually up for sale. - John W. Gardner

Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you'll ever have!" - Phyllis Diller

Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line. - Ann Landers

Got no checkbooks, got no banks,
Still I'd like to express my thanks -
I got the sun in the mornin'
And the moon at night. - Irving Berlin


Europe Road Trip

Nighttime Graffiti

Baby Formula

Kid Suction

Redneck Moving Truck

Critter Control

Lost Dog

Nail Chair

Looking For Something?

Yellow Pet

Race Break

Fuse Bypass

Good Boy

British Tea Party

Roadside Assistance

Chair Boy

Cheers Beer

African Airstrip

Horsepower vs Torque

Filling Up Is OverRated

Flywood

Ukraine Aid

Handicap Motorcyclist

Auto Warranty: New Extend-ed Coverage