#1 humor site on the 'net

Don't Touch Your Face

Visual non-endorsement from an infectious disease expert

Don't Touch Your Face thanks to Bill Fast

Infectious disease expert Anthony Fauci says he can't stop The Donald talking at briefings

QuotaBills
The greatest wealth is health. - Virgil

Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Language is a virus from outer space. - William S Burroughs

Astrology is a disease, not a science. - Maimonides

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

IN GOD WE TRUST: All others we virus scan - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

We need silence to be able to touch souls. - Mother Teresa

Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet

We can close the books on infectious diseases. - William H Stewart

Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

Chirpes: A canarial disease from kissing a canary. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

You can't touch music, but music can touch you. - Mordecai

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito

The wish for healing has always been half of health. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I wouldn't let him touch me with a ten-foot pole. - Mae West

Surgeon: The person who was a cut-up at medical school - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time. - Maya Angelou

If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin

Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler

Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Markus Herz

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter

I now touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk. - WC Fields

Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind. - Albert Einstein

Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

Truth is as impossible to be soiled by any outward touch as the sunbeam. - John Milton

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

You may know the intractability of a disease by its long list of remedies. - Alonzo Clark

No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides

One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett

This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

We have to live our lives as if we are dying of a fatal disease. Because we are. - Phineas Narco

The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley

I don't consider myself a heavy drinker, I often go hours without touching a drop. - Noel Coward

The single biggest threat to man's continued dominance on the planet is the virus. - Joshua Lederberg

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener

Not enough people know what Lyme disease is and the dangers of being bitten by an insect. - Gigi Hadid

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but the feeling of being unwanted. - Mother Teresa

Ambition has one heel nailed in well, though she stretches her fingers to touch the heavens. - Lao Tzu

We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip

If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves. - Phyllis Diller

I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall

You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown

Viewed from the summit of reason, all life looks like a malignant disease and the world like a madhouse. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

I think I have a disease called spontaneous disclosure. I need to tell everyone my life story instantaneously. - Kelly Ripa

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. - Oscar Wilde

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

The seeds of learning can grow almost anywhere. Trump University and my other education-related ventures like... - Donald Trump

Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. - Elizabeth Gilbert

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer

Pride: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. Pride is what we have - vanity is what others have. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon

Menopause is thicker than water. When we talk and laugh about it, we learn and relax. It's a life transition, not a disease. - Unknown

Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield


Cow Nap

Ear Chip

Sleep With Us

Puppy Taco

Fresh Air Computing

Koalified

How Much Time Left

Expandable Equation

Devoted Husband

Statue of Libertea

Beaver Stretching

Social Media Explained

Famous Equations

Ain't Mowing the Lawn Anymore

Crocpox

Deer Me!

Inverted Helicopter

Water Hat

NASCAR Fan - Diehard Category

Busted

Build It - They Will Come

Exhausted Baby

Monkeypox II

Overloaded Bookshop