#1 humor site on the 'net

Flatten The Curve

They lied...

Flatten The Curve thanks to Barry McCartney

QuotaBills
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Diet Planner: A fast talker. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Reform: To gain or lose weight - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A fat purse never lacks friends. - Unknown

Diets are mainly food for thought. - N Wylie Jones

You can never be too rich or too thin. - Wallis W Simpson

Smoking cures weight problems... eventually. - Steven Wright

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch. - Andy Rooney

It's simple. If it jiggles, it's fat. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Have great, secret, big, fat hopes for yourself. - Gloria Vanderbilt

The heart, like the stomach, wants a varied diet. - Gustave Flaubert

Why y'all duded up lookin' like Errol Slim? - Archie Bunker

I've probably tried every fad diet in the world. - Jenna Ushkowitz

A balanced diet is a Cracker Jack cookie in each hand. - Joe-kster

I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight. - The Devil Wears Prada

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. - Erma Bombeck

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable. - Jackie Gleason

Leave off all thin potations and addict thyself to sack. - William Shakespeare

Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all. - Toni Morrison

Nothing burns more calories than dancing in 5-inch heels. - Ariana Grande

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. - Amy Sedaris

I'm into fitness: Fit'ness whole donut in my mouth. - Unknown

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people. - Jim Eason

Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans

I don't mind that I'm fat. You still get the same money. - Marlon Brando

Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb

Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter

Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - Totie Fields

People with healthy self-esteem do not need to create pretend identities. - Unknown

Never let success get to your head. Never let failure get to your health. - Unknown

One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett

Fitness needs to be perceived as fun and games or we subconsciously avoid it. - Alan Thicke

A sure way to lose happiness is to want it at the expense of everything else. - Bette Davis

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary. - Dorothy C Fisher

A rich rogue is like a fat hog, who never does good 'til as dead as a log. - Benjamin Franklin

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut. - Old Farmer's Almanac

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke

We don't get fat because we overeat; we overeat because we're getting fat. - Gary Taubes

I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind

People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

An old timer is one who remembers when we counted our blessings instead of our calories. - Unknown

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. - Erma Bombeck

Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body. - Joseph Addison

The shovels haven't arrived, and until they do, you'll have to lean on each other. - Unknown

Coaching doesn't make sick people well - it helps healthy people become extra-ordinary. - Thomas Leonard

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha

I grew up on a steady diet of science fiction, especially apocalyptic and postapocalyptic fiction. - Justin Cronin

I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall

What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith

There's no point in wasting calories on cheap chocolate, always opt for the darkest and richest. - Nanci Rathbun

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry

Iceomaniac: One who has to go out of their way to step on thin ice to hear a satisfying crunching sound - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The concept that vaccine-induced immunity is superior in any way to natural immunity is sheer nonsense. - Dr Steven Pelech

Most fat food is fried. Fried food tastes great, and people don't seem to care about the fat aspect. - Eric Schlosser

If I go on a diet and work out, I'm always in a bad mood. I'd rather be a little heavier but nice. - Salma Hayek

Baloney is the unvarnished lie laid on so thick you hate it. Blarney is flattery laid on so thin you love it. - Fulton J Sheen

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

I don't weigh myself because most scales don't know how heavy all the grudges I'm holding onto are. - Unknown

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. - John Updike

Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain

Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi

Dieting is not a sprint, it's a marathon. If you celebrate the small victories, you will eventually win the war. - Ian K Smith

Albert Schweitzer's philosophy is that a sick, miserable African of today can be a strong healthy cannibal tomorrow. - Joe E Lewis

If you maintain a healthy diet, or at least are smart about your food choices, you'll still see the pounds come off. - Misty May-Treanor

In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted. - Bertrand Russell

I love lean meats like chicken, turkey. I'm obsessed with sushi and fish in general. I eat a lot of veggies and hummus. - Shawn Johnson

Calories: 1. Weight lifters; 2. Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A party of order or stability, and a party of progress or reform, are both necessary elements of a healthy state of political life. - John Stuart Mill

I pray for forgiveness. For help and guidance. To be a better person. For the health of my family. For the world to be a better place. - Tyson Fury

I'm off the diet, but not the treadmill. I speak as someone who's attempted to lose weight and get fit thrice before in my life. - Ronnie Screwvala

Every essential oil has a healing purpose. I think it's a great gift because it's something that elevates your mood and your health. - Yolanda Hadid

Thank you... fat dude with giant headphones on the subway, for looking like what would've happened if Jabba the Hutt mated with Princess Leia. - Jimmy Fallon

A healthy, if well-concealed, respect for one's own capabilities is essential, but it should never lead to underestimating those of the opponent. - Jack Nicklaus

Our food pyramid, the kind of diet that is constantly promoted, is completely warped. It's not based around anything to do with healing your body. - Jessica Origliasso


mIndians

Mouthful Of Information

Happy Face Sandwich

Senior Eye Exam

Chubby Free

Pirrows

Young Rock Star

Restored Beauty

Powerplant Swimsuit Models

Watermelon Cake

Sharkini

Julyed

Filet Minion

Better Singer

Texas Basketball

Grow Food, Not Lawns

Nut Salesman

Long Yellow Things

Ants Know When Something Is Fake

Think Outside

Despicable Wood Stove

Engineering Flowchart

Egotist

Hunter's Dream Wedding