#1 humor site on the 'net

Life Expectancy by Age

Who wants to live to 85?

Life Expectancy by Age thanks to Karen Moore

QuotaBills
Age is only a number. - Lexi Starling

Old age comes at a bad time. - Sue Banducci

Old age is life's parody. - Simone de Beauvoir

Old age is the verdict of life. - Amelia E Barr

A prune is an experienced plum. - John H Trattner

Old age is no place for sissies. - Bette Davis

Old age is a wonderful disguise. - Katherine Applegate

Cherish youth, but trust old age. - Pueblo Proverb

Old age is like underwear, it creeps up on you. - Unknown

The old horse in the stable still yearns to run. - Mongolian Proverb

Aging wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul. - Douglas MacArthur

The gods bestowed on him the gift of perpetual old age. - Oscar Wilde

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative. - Maurice Chevalier

If youth had but the knowledge and old age the strength. - French Proverb

There's one advantage to being 102. No peer pressure. - Dennis Wolfberg

One of the many pleasures of old age is giving things up. - Malcolm Muggeridge

Fourty is the old age of youth; 50 is the youth of old age. - Victor Hugo

Middle age - later than you think and sooner than you expect. - Earl Wilson

Memorial services are the cocktail parties of the geriatric set. - Ralph Richardson

I'm aging like fine wine. I'm getting complex and fruity. - Unknown

Old age comes on suddenly, and not gradually as is first thought. - Emily Dickinson

Middle Age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms. - Georges Clemenceau

Middle age is when, wherever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater. - Denis Norden

Middle age is when everything new you feel is likely to be a symptom. - Laurence J Peter

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy. - Unknown

Old age at least gives me an excuse for not being very good at things. - Thomas Sowell

In youth we run into difficulties; in old age difficulties run into us. - Josh Billings

Middle age is when you are not inclined to exercise anything but caution. - Arthur Murray

The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age. - Orson Welles

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places. - E Joseph Cossman

Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age. - William Feather

Sure I'm for helping the elderly. I'm going to be old myself some day. - Lillian Carter

We look forward to a disorderly, vigorous, unhonored and disreputable old age. - Don Marquis

Old age takes away what we've inherited and gives us what we've earned. - Gerald Brenan

Youth is the time of getting, middle age of improving, and old age of spending. - Anne Bradstreet

A housefly has a longer life expectancy than the manager of a Premier League team. - Alex Ferguson

More people would live to a ripe old age if they weren't too busy providing for it. - Unknown

At middle age the soul should be opening up like a rose, not closing up like a cabbage. - John A Holmes

Middle age is when it takes you all night to do once what once you used to do all night. - Kenny Everett

There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. - John Mortimer

Learning is an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity, and a provision in old age. - Aristotle

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

SABLE - A common knitting acronym that stands for Stash Acquisition Beyond Life Expectancy. - Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

Aging is the extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been. - David Bowie

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. - Doug Larson

My comfort is, that old age, that ill layer-up of beauty, can do no more spoil upon my face. - William Shakespeare

Old age has its pleasures, which, though different, are not less than the pleasures of youth. - W Somerset Maugham

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it. - Doris Day

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

Middle age is when your classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you. - Bennett Cerf

There are only three things that can kill a farmer: lightning, rolling over in a tractor, and old age. - Bill Bryson

To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent - that is to triumph over old age. - Thomas Bailey Aldrich

When it comes to old age we're all in the same boat, only some of us have been aboard a little longer. - Leo Probst

While we drink, and call for garlands, for perfumes and for maidens, old age is creeping on us unperceived. - Juvenal

Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week. - Maggie Kuhn

Autumn is really the best of the seasons; and I'm not sure that old age isn't the best part of life. - C S Lewis

Spiritual sloth, or acedia, was known as The Sin of the Middle Ages. It's the sin of my middle age, too. - Mignon McLaughlin

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. - George Burns

The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm. - Aldous Huxley

I'm grateful that I never was that senior athlete who realized she'd done nothing but train all her life. - Clara Hughes

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain

I had a job selling hearing aids from door to door. It wasn't easy, because your best prospects never answered. - Bob Monkhouse

Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock. - Ronald Reagan

Is not your voice broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single, and every part about you blasted with antiquity? - William Shakespeare

Old age has a great sense of calm and freedom. When the passions have relaxed their hold you have escaped, not from one master, but from many. - Plato


Welfare State

No Flies On Me

Stick Family Meal

Wet Floor

Lord Of The Watch

Close Encounters of the Whale Kind

Military Watch Tower

No Go Intersection

Public Transportation In Scotland

Guarded Nights

Financial Meltdown

Fox Kabob

Microwaved Bulb... Watts You Won't See

Saks-e Parking Job

Griller Bees

Texting While Cycling

Redneck Manicure

Police Profiling In Canada

Tree Stand

No Worries

Hospital Gown Insurance

Facebook Red Light

Redneck Speed Bump

Scientific Driving Test