Acceptable Doctors Sign

Finding a good Doctor’s practice


Two Doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the Doctors changed it to: “Hysterias and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go!

Next they tried: “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again.

Then came: “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.” Still not good.

How about: “Minds and Behinds.” Unacceptable again.

So they tried: “Lost Souls and Ass Holes.” Still no go.

Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts”, “Nuts and Butts”, “Freaks and Cheeks”, or “Loons and Moons” work either.

Almost at their wits end, the Doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be acceptable to the council: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”
“APPROVED”


QuotaBills
Birth patrol pills. - Archie Bunker

Diabetes taught me discipline. - Sonia Sotomayor

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West

I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel

Space ails us moderns: we are sick with space. - Robert Frost

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - Carl Jung

Sickness comes on horseback but departs on foot. - Dutch Proverb

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. - Ben Franklin

I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying - dead. - Oscar Wilde

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron

When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. - Phyllis Diller

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright

A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement. - Jess C. Scott

I have friends struggling with autism, juvenile diabetes. - Nicole A. Parker

Never ever lose your head. Its the best part of your body. - Art Rooney

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. - C S Lewis

I'm never sick. Why get sick? It's a waste of time. - Martha Stewart

A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears or the sea. - Isak Dinesen

Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

In a sick-room or a bed-room there should never be shutters shut. - Florence Nightingale

Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. - Jim Rohn

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E. Leonard

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Dorothy Parker

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart. - Dorothy Parker

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. - Rodney Dangerfield

Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown

The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. - Steven Wright

In these times, God's people must trust him for rest of body and soul. - David Wilkerson

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero

Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham

This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh

I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

The doctors can cure all sorts of ills, except the shock of doctors' bills. - Unknown

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

My favorite thing about the human body is that we're all basically doughnuts. - Tyler Oakley

A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. - Jonathan Blake

Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

The way to deal with the devil of obesity and diabetes is literally one day at a time. - Stephen Furst

Life is not over because you have diabetes. Make the most of what you have, be grateful. - Dale Evans

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukemia with leeches. - Margaret Thatcher

Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener

Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body. - Joseph Addison

Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul. - Oscar Wilde

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman

Twists are wonderful for whittling your waist, stretching your back, and detoxifying the body. - Mandy Ingber

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire

I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith

My physician has become warden of my medically imprisoned body, pharmaceuticals the bars on my cell. - Grey E. Livingston

When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield

The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body. - Donald Trump

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

Our memories are card indexes consulted, and then put back in disorder, by authorities whom we do not control. - Cyril Connolly

If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer

With some diseases, like type 2 diabetes, if people get alerted early, they can take steps to avert getting sick. - Elizabeth Holmes

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain

A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history. - Mahatma Gandhi

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

I chalk up the fact that I got diabetes to my body saying, 'Dude, you have been doing wrong for way too long!' - Randy Jackson

The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer

You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body - let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. - Unknown

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. - John Muir

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright

When enough people care about autism or diabetes or global warming, it helps everyone, even if only a tiny fraction actively participate. - Seth Godin

I'm building a glass pyramid over the Egyptian escalator where my body will be mummified, so my customers can come and see me forever. - Mohamed Al-Fayed

Every essential oil has a healing purpose. I think it's a great gift because it's something that elevates your mood and your health. - Yolanda Hadid


see also   Doctor  &  Signs  Sections
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09-Apr-2020