1. Don’t try to live with anyone who insists on alphabetizing your spice rack.
2. When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your own good,” expect the worst.
3. Do not make an obscene gesture at anyone driving a pickup truck with a gun rack.
4. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.
5. When a politician says, “Let me make something perfectly clear...” remember that he usually won’t.
6. After a certain age, if you say something outrageous, everyone will think it’s cute. Take advantage of this.
7. Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for all of the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
8. Don’t wait for the funeral to say something kind or nice about someone.
9. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.
10. If you wouldn’t want to see it in a newspaper or on the evening news, don’t do it.
11. If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into words,” he doesn’t know what he means.
12. Don’t let a child with the stomach flu sleep on the top bunk.
13. If a man has to hire a public relations firm to shape his image, he doesn’t know who he is, and more important, he doesn’t want you to find out.
14. The only receipt you don’t save is the only one you’ll need later.
15. If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the thought that you probably made someone else’s day ... maybe even their week. Think of your humiliation as an act of charity.
16. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you’re taking a shower.
17. The value of a cat is its utter indifference to its owner’s importance.
18. Never purchase a tool to clean behind radiators, because you won’t have an excuse not to clean there.
19. Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend; you can’t pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.
20. Think like a good actor: Observe, observe, observe.
21. It’s a proven fact that zipping up a small child’s snowsuit will cause him to wet his pants. There is no known cure for this.
22. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic.
23. Two people cannot successfully operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.
24. If you want to hide candy bars so you can eat them after the kids are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a paper bag labeled “Fish.”
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