Murphy's Laws Plus

1. Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
2. The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top.
3. If you don't throw it, they can't hit it.
4. There are some things that are impossible to know - but it is impossible to know these things.
5. Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
6. Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
7. Nobody really cares or understands what anybody else is doing.
8. If you hit two keys in a typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
9. Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it himself.
10. Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
11. Only God can make a random selection.
12. Expenditures rise to meet income.
13. If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel of wine, you get sewage.
14. Smile ... tomorrow will be worse.
15. The other line moves faster.
16. You can't push on a rope.
17. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
19. Nature abhors people.
20. Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else does is creative leadership.
21. The less work an organization produces, the more frequently it reorganizes.
22. Whatever happens, look as if you intended it to happen.
23. At any particular time, there are more horses' asses in the world than there are horses.
24. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
25. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
26. You can make something foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
27. Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
28. Assumption is the mother of all screwups.
29. No real problem has a solution.
30. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
31. Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of.
32. Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
33. Celibacy is not hereditary.
34. The one friend or relative for whom you didn't buy a gift will arrive with one for you.
35. The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
36. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
37. The sum of the intelligence of the planet is constant; the population is growing.
38. An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
39. There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
40. Any system which relies on human reliability is unreliable.
41. Work expands to fill the time for its completion; the things to be done swell in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in their completion.
42. When all else fails, read the instructions.
43. The person you're most attracted to never shows up until the day before the vacation ends.
44. The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
45. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
46. There is nothing so small that it cannot be blown out of proportion.
47. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will do the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.
48. Doing it the hard way is always easier.
49. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
50. Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
51. The first myth of management is that it exists.
52. A mediocre player will sink to the level of the competition.
53. All things being equal, you lose.
54. Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
55. The person who can smile when things are going wrong has thought of someone else to blame it on.
56. People and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
57. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
58. Those who are most moral are farthest from the problem.
59. When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
60. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
61. Everything takes longer than you think.
62. In every organization, there is always one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
63. You can always find what you're not looking for.
64. Nice people don't finish nice.
65. Strive to look tremendously important.
66. Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
67. If you explain something so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
68. When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When leaving work early, you will meet your boss in the parking lot.
69. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
70. The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
71. Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
72. Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
73. Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
74. Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you if things go wrong.
75. People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.
76. Cleanliness is next to impossible.
77. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the amount of progress.
78. You get the most of what you need the least.
79. Any bureaucracy reorganized to enhance its efficiency is immediately indistinguishable from its predecessor.
80. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean down to the bone.
81. It's the dead wood that holds up the tree.
82. You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
83. If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
84. All the good ones are taken.
85. Virtue is its own punishment.
86. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
87. No matter how much you do, you never do enough from the boss's point of view. (Corollary: What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.)
88. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
89. Whatever is in short supply will be in great demand. Corollaries: A. There is no demand once the new supply arrives. B. After selling the new supply at a loss, demand resumes.
90. Only someone who understands something completely can explain it so that no one else can understand it.
91. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
92. The most heavily traveled streets spend the most time under construction.
93. Every solution breeds new and bigger problems.
94. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
95. Nothing looks as good close-up as it does from far away.
96. In any given set of circumstances, the correct course of action is dictated by subsequent events.
97. Baseball's law for life: They can't hit it if you stand there and hold it!
98. The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.
99. Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.
100. Anything is edible if it is chopped finely enough.
101. Nothing ever goes away.
102. A fool and your money are soon partners.
103. Things get worse under pressure.
104. If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible way.
105. After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
106. The person with the least expertise has the most options.
107. In a surplus labour economy, the squeaking wheel does not get the grease, it gets replaced.
108. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
109. Law a.) Everything depends. Law b.) Nothing is always. Law c.) Everything is sometimes.
110. People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
111. Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
112. If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, eventually you will have two of them.
113. A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are wasted.
114. Money can't buy you happiness - but neither can poverty!
115. When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.
116. If you leave the meeting room, you're either volunteered or elected.
117. An optimist thinks we are living in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true.
118. A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's forget the whole thing."
119. If in the course of several months only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.
120. Two monologues do not form a dialogue.
121. Eighty per cent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
122. Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
123. The Principle of Individualism. Everybody wants to peel his or her own banana.
124. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
125. When storing something for future use, it is useful to remember exactly where you put it.
126. If it's good, they discontinue it.
127. He who hesitates is probably right.
128. If you don't want to be lonely, stay single.
129. Any change looks terrible at first.
130. Good enough never is.
131. There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
132. Nobody notices the big errors.
133. The three major precepts of life:
A. Never be first.
B. Never be last.
C. Never volunteer for anything.
134. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
135. Never invest in anything that eats.
136. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
137. Never ask a salesperson if it is a good price.
138. Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.
139. If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
140. One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
141. Extremes meet.
142. Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough conferences are held to discuss it.
143. Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
144. To err is human, but it feels divine.
145. Every organization has an allotted number of positions to be filled by misfits. (Corollary: If a misfit leaves, another will be recruited.)
146. There is nothing wrong with sex on television, just as long as you don't fall off.
147. The difference between the Laws of Nature and Murphy's Laws is that with the Laws of Nature you can count on things screwing up the same way each time.
148. The only real errors are human errors.
149. If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong.
150. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
151. A fool and his money are soon elected.
152. Thou shalt not committee.
153. If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
154. In politics, it pays to stay in with the outs.
155. Always leave yourself enough room to add an explanation if things don't work out.
156. Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
157. Hindsight is an exact science.
158. The most interesting paper at a conference will be scheduled for delivery simultaneously with the second most interesting paper.
159. It is difficult to fly with eagles if you work with turkeys.
160. Say no, then negotiate.
161. For every "10" there are 10 "1's."
162. If your facts are wrong but your logic is perfect, then your conclusions are inevitably false. Therefore, by making mistakes in your logic, you have at least a random chance of coming to the correct conclusion.
163. Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.
164. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
165. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
166. Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.
167. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
168. A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brain.
169. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
170. Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
171. A dandelion from a true love means more than a red rose from a friend.
172. As soon as you're doing what you want to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
173. The degree of guilt is directly proportional to the intensity of denial.
174. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
175. The quickest way to find something is to start looking for something else.
176. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to one's ability to reach it.
177. The most interesting results happen only once.
178. You never want the one you can afford.

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